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THE FRIDAY WAR CRY.
VOL. 1.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23. 1914.
NUMBER 1.
At present a Democratic campaign
is raging worse than the European
war; we all are acquainted with the
Democratic Mayor who seems to have
an excellent chance to win out on one
of the two tickets he is on — probably
the meal ticket. The Lewis Club has
been formed and the officers will do
all in their power to get him elected,
both to get in right with the Dean's
Office and to help out (?) a man who
has always done his utmost for the
Democrats.
LEWIS CLUB SONG.
To be sung to the tune of ' 'tramp, tramp, tramp. "
Vote, vote, vote for Teddy Lewis,
He is looking for a pull.
Prexy says he's the man
And he'll do the best he can,
For he's got an everlasting line of bull.
(Supply the missing word and win Rexall watch.)
To Professor of X Y Z —
" If you want your students to ' hurry up '
Don't crab 'em like an old sick pup,
Don't work 'em so hard that they won't get by,
Or you'll go straight to when you die"
Grov^r Cleveland, chief of the fire
department, when interviewed by one
of the War Cry's reporters explained,
"The fire losses this year will be con-
siderably less than in past years — the
Chem. Building will burn down only
over my dead body." Some Body.
The probable selection of the play
tor the Dramatic Society will be either
"Damaged Goods," "The Curse of
Drink," or else "The Trail of the
Lonesome Cockroach (to be staged at
the Hash-house).
Once more we heard the merry
laughter of the girls with the ming-
ling of the light fantastic toe to the
jubilant notes of music, Saturday in
yonder barn. Remember in the future
no tripping, slugging or clinching
allowed, even if you are dancing the
modern stuff. This means you Sears.
LOCAL JOTTINGS.
Butterick carries himself very well
behind.
Spofford wants to know if the Braves
beat the Boston Nationals.
Desperate Damon and Mexico Navas
are mad with one another.
If the Freshmen want to wrestle let
them wrestle at one of the Soph's
arena parties. Ross must get all
names.
Lastcar from'Hampat 1 1,05. Now
that's good news for Jackson and
Susie Dickinson.
Zabriskie '13 was recently seen on
the campus. George Washington
was also a great man.
Have you noticed the resemblance
between our circulating manager,
Gebby Perry, and the figure in the
Boston Globe on which is written
"The largest Circulation in New Eng-
gland."
I wonder what M. A. C. will be
A hundred years from now.
1 wonder if co-eds will run Old Aggie
A hundred years from now.
Thp boys are setting a pace today
That's turning Prexy's hair gray,
They're asking for beer to go with hash-
house rations.
1 wonder if girls will play foot-ball
A hundred years from now,
I wonder if they'll fuss in Draper Hall
A hundred years from now.
Will they shock Carrie Nation,
Cause consternation
I wonder, and wonder, I wonder how much
We'll beat both Harvard and Yale
A hundred years from now.
Every Knock a Boost/
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY.
PUBUSHED EVERY FRIDAY.
A. X. Petit, Printer, 31 East Pleasant St.
It is the aim of the War Cry to
knock every one in college at some
time or other. As a compensation a
paper is given free to each one whose
name appears in any edition.
1915.
Do you realize that you are now
in the laststage of your college career?
Think back upon former years — your
embryo stage when you were noth-
ing more than green amoeba; fol-
lowed by the breaking thru from your
shell and you emerged from your pupa
stage and cried, "Lo, behold me. I
thrive on Freshmen." Then after a
summer's vacation in the White
Mountains, etc., you returned in the
full beauty of your manhood, with
that " I don't give a d expression
on your faces — for the mighty trium-
virate: zoo, physics, agronomy, were
but a shadow of the past to most of
you. And now you have reached
full maturity. You are all great and
exquisite specimens of homo hoboken.
The Freshmen remove their caps in
your presence (sometimes) and even
the faculty cast envious glances at
you. Wonderful men lead you and
the rest of the college, such as Gen.
Mellican, President SuspendersTowne
and Cheer Leader Leander Farrar, and
even Herby Cole in spirit. Soon you
will go out in the world, many to
become bank presidents, railroad
magnates, tuxedo agriculturists, and
some to reach the top rung of the
ladder of success — town criers.
Enough, dry your tears and think
not of it.
1916.
Most of you have decided on your
majors. You know whether you are
to be future chemists and are to
analyze such fertilizers as Hash-house
food, or whether you will become
aristocratic landscape gardeners and
beautify East St. by planting fig
groves along its boulevards, and by
building peanut-stands and hot-dog
counters along its thoroughfare.
You have your proteges to take care
of, to feed them on raw meat so that
they will get vicious enough to
be "sicked on" the Sophomores —
who believe not in the art of photo-
graphy as you believed in it in the
past. You have a wonderful year
before you~a Junior banquet, a tree
planting—in which you break a bottle
of Horlick's malted milk over the
primary roots and radicles of the tree.
Think of June when you will wave
your handkerchief to bid a sad fare-
well to the Seniors and cry " Hail to
me, I am Kink! "
1917.
Try and control your pseudo-feroc-
ity for a couple of minutes and listen
to what the War Cry has to say.
You have a terrible year to go through
(you realize this without our rubbing
it in.) The faculty probably does not
realize that you have enough to do
breaking up Freshmen pictures, hold-
ing parades (take it any way you
please) and arranging arena parties
and swimming races. But don't
neglect your studies. Study very
hard on your tactics as it is the only
practical course you are taking. Put
the physics' book under your pillow-
case each night and dream of cascara
sagrada, Boyle's law, etc. Learn
those zoological terms well and some
day you can become famous compos-
Every Blow above the Belt."
ing a new name for some breakfast
cereal. Remind the Freshmen what
they wear a cap for— not as an article
of clothing, but that they may remem-
ber something in the presence of
Seniors. Think of the next two years
of college. You will probably dedi-
cate a new dormitory, gymnasium,
or pavillion to the college some day,
but whatever you do, don't fail to
drill your senior year,
1918.
Crouch not back nor tremble for
we are not going to speak harshly.
You came to us from all parts of the
country and you have yet much to
learn and much more to forget.
Don't fall by the wayside, there will
be too many companions waiting
there for you. If you fail to pass col-
lege life, that's not your fault that's
the fault of college life. Remember
that logarithm tables are not bought
in antique shops but are to be used in
trig, next semester. Oh, happy hours
to be! Start now and mind what the
Soph's tell you, you'll have a chance
to pass the same line next year, so
memorize it now. Jump all the
numerals for coach Dickinson is look-
ing for high jumpers. If the Sophs
tell you to clean their rooms remember
that your own is pretty dirty. Don't
put your hands in your pockets except
to pay for the War Cry.
CREAM OF WHEAT.
A CEREAL.
The sight was enough to turn any-
one's blood blue—even the red color
on the end of Dicky Rahar's nose
^ would have lost its crimson glow and
2! turned as blue as a bottle of Water-
ed man's ink. Ah, ha, the train was
,--< approaching at the speed of Tabby on
~- his model 1864 bicycle. The girl
rr stood as if glued to the track so great
was her fear for the train was only a
mile and a half away. Yes, fair reader,
she was doomed. She began to think
of home and of the gum she had left
only half chewed under the mantle
piece. Finally the train appeared
around the bend. Oh, horrors!
But she was not to meet her doom.
Far be it from that. It would be too
early in the story. There came rush-
ing on the scene a youth—our hero,
Al Otta Hairlip. He saw the plight
of the girl and tossing a coin, cried
out, " Heads, 1 save her now; tails, I
return to the town and cry for help."
The coin came down heads.
Al Otta ran to the track, he looked
at the girl. Never before had he seen
such beauty. Her Creme delMeridor
complexion, her face more beautiful
than the basement of North College
when the janitor has not been on the
job, her shape slim and tall as
"Kewpie" Warren,
After polishing his nails he was
about to grab the girl and lead her to
safety, when— oh fates of Kalamazoo,
he stubbed his tongue which threw
him off his balance and forced his
Adam's apple against his cervical ver-
tebra. They were doomed. He
looked at her in mutual sympathy
and murmured " we will die together
oh sweetest of cauliflower."
" How dare you address me with-
out an introduction," she cried in a
voice as sweet as a bar room fight.
But the train was close upon them
they could feel the steam from its
engine, held their breath, and— no,
gentle readers, fear not, the catas-
trophy was prevented for they were
not on a regular railroad but on the
B. & M, The train was stopped five
feet in front of them with a hot-box.
He grasped her in his arms and
(To be continued in our next.)
The chapel has 4 docks on the tower and none
of them have the same time.
If your " clock " isn't going right see
MILLEl 1, the Jewler.
BESIDE THE POST OFFICE.
"Don't Hock it but Millett."
Don't forget Boys after that last car comes in
from 'Hamp there is something waiting for you at
AMHERST FRUIT STORE,
CORNER AMITY ST.
" Open every night till twelve."
Well boys we won't have any more of the rain-
bow colored horse flesh at the Hash-House.
Let's go to
BUCK'S COLUMBIA CAFE.
Telegram.
Scottie :— We need you to help us hem tha
Germans in on the border and to press the Aus-
trians close. (Signed) Allies.
Return telegram. Allies : — Too busy pressing
for Aggie men.
"SCOTTIE," the Tailor.
Ink flows, but Writing Paper is
Stationery.
Clarke, Pres. Montague, Sec'y.
Visit our different departments for anything
from a Shoe-Lace to a Piano.
Drop in and see why we lead.
AMHERST BOOK STORE.
COLLEGE STORE.
Elevator takes you direct to and from our
Basement
Hager, Buyer. Sanders, Floor-Walker.
If Omega Oil is King of Pain, what is
Queen of the Movies ?
Ask "SHORTY "at
ADAMS DRUG STORE.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.
Crown your bean with one of our
EASY FITTING HATS.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON.
Two best bets. Braves — world champions.
Don't lose your rep. and have people think you
are drunk when you are falling all over your
feet on account of poorly made shoes.
LABROVITZ,
MAKES CLOTHES THAT FIT.
SEE BOLLFS AT ONCE.
It's a feat to fit feet.
METCALFS BOWLING ALLEY.
Columbus discovered America, but Met has dis-
covered the only Bowling Alley and
Pool Room in town.
"Beat a retreat to the Rear of Town Hall."
Webster made the Best Dictionary, and who
could "pass a better line" than Daniel W.
Moral:— Have your pictures taken at
WEBSTER'S STUDIO.
Don't put your pants under the mattress.
Let Terpsy press them.
Don't study Biology with the Hash-house
specimens.
Come down and dissect one of our Dogs.
WM. FRANKLYN.
REAR OF NASH'S BLOCK.
All microscopes and utensils supplied free.
DOG CART.
DANFORTH '16.
The Chinaman said " Belly cold, belly cold."
If he had worn a
PATRICK MACKINAW
he wouldn't have been cold.
Germany may be at war
but not the
BERLIN CAFE,
SEE "WHISTLE" WOOLEY.
"Hock der Kaiser." 11 Amity St.
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY.
VOL. 1.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1914.
NUMBER 2.
The War Cry wants to be serious
for just a few lines anyhow. We
want to state that we are not trying
to compete with the Collegian in any
manner, but our belief is that the
humorous side of our college life
should be taken into consideration as
well as any other side. The Collegian
gives you the college news; we give
you three cents worth of fun.
There's no reason why you shouldn't
go to the Tufts game. We suggest
the following:
1. Abstain from chewing gum and
bum the makings for one week.
2. Break into the Amherst Bank.
You'll get at least enough to carry
you one way.
3. Disguise yourself as a peanut
boy on the train.
4. Borrow five dollars from the
Bloke and don't pay it back.
To an instructor (supply the missing
word)-
Your course may be required by some,
Your course may be good for the deaf and dumb.
They couldn't hear the line you hand
Or swear out loud at you Mr,
Weather forecast for Friday : — Rain
and windy. How do we know it
will be rainy and windy? Because
Pandomonium always reigns in Ec.
Soc. 7 and there is always a lot of hot
air blowing around.
By the way the honor list is smeared
up over at yonder Dean's oifice, we
believe that some of the delinquents
must have taken the War Cry's
advice on studying Tactics, College
Life, etc., and neglected the minor
subjects.
ON TO TUFTS.
(Sung to " If That's Your Idea of a Wonderful
Time Take Me Home.")
Now that's our idea of a wonderful
team,
On to Tufts. On to Tufts.
We want them to know we are with
them
Tho' we fuss at the game with the
women.
We'll go to Tufts with a ten dollar
bill.
Win and come back with twice as
much still.
You can get an idea of our wonderful
team,
ON TO TUFTS.
LOCAL JOTTINGS.
Our offer of a free paper was ac-
cepted by all whose names appeared,
excepting George Washington and
Tabby. Can anyone locate them for
us.
Open-air shower bath. — Follow the
fire apparatus next Wednesday morn-
ing.
War Bulletin: — Plaisted has gone
to fight for the Slavs. Unofficial.
Southerland '18 wants to know if
anyone wants to fight.
Altho the Tufts trip seems like a
"tough trip" financially, nevertheless,
dig down and produce. Whether
you chew tobacco or juggle anvils,
remember this--" We're going to beat
Tufts."
Eleanor Bisbee, ex- 15 (with the
accent on theex) was recently awarded
the "J " for tennis, "j " stands for
Jackson not for jujubes.
"Every Knock a Boost.'
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY.
PUBUSHED EVERY FRIDAY.
The " Patsidike Co."
"Sid" Masse, Editor-in-Cl.ief.
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor.
Ike " Moore,
Business Manaprer.
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
A. X. Petit, Printer, 31 East Pleasant St.
Sad to relate we fear that Griggs
'15 has gone wrong. 'Tis said he is
not posted in Physics.
Why not hire Panemasik's (or what-
ever his name is) birds to ring the
chapel bell instead of the "bird" we
now have.
Comments on the War Cry heard
around the campus and by whom:—
"The War Cry isn't worth the
price of three cents. It's outrageous."
By the guy that would suffocate if it
cost a nickel to breath fresh air for a
lifetime.
" The War Cry should not knock
the people the way it does." By the
guy that is continually telling his
friends what the trouble is with the
football team and how the college
should be improved.
"The War Cry's jokes are rotten."
By the guy that says " 2} skidoo for
you," etc.
"The War Cry is great, don't you
think 80.^ 1 bet Life will go out of
existence soon. Everybody ought to
buy the paper." By the Editors of
the War Cry.
ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN.
Dear Miss Delia Dope.
1 am a handsome, dashing youth
of 21 and am deeply in love with a
Smith girl two years my junior. Last
week was my dear Mabel's birthday
and I bought her a present of some of
that high priced perfume, " Lilac de
Jardiniere " or something like that (2
bones for a small bottle) and some of
the finest silk handkerchiefs. I tied
them both in a package ready to mail
to her. Unfortunately, I also had a
small package of my old socks I was
sending to the Co-op. By mistake I
sent the bundles to the wrong ad-
dresses and mailed a card to Mabel as
follows:
" Wlien you wipe your dainty nose with these,
And breathe this sweet perfumery,
You can think whate'er you please,
But I hope 'twill be of me."
1 didn't find out my mistake until
the fat girl down at the laundry sent
me a card of thanks.
What shall I do ? Waiting to hear
from you,
Love in distress,
Philip McCann.
ALUMNI NEWS.
Mr. George Scott Fowler '12 will
be unable to give the hockey team
his coaching on account of employ-
ment elsewhere.
Big Samson '13 is still rooming
with a Little Sam. They are bringing
him up on Mellin's Food.
Long Tom Kelly '13 is with the
Extension Dep't. Some Extension.
Harold Gore '13, not satisfied with
being a coach, is sore at the rest of
the faculty because they won't let
him go out for the football tean this
year. .
Mr. Harold Morse '14 is with the
Coe-Mortimer Fertilizer Co. in New
York City. Morse has certainty found
his vocation.
"Every Blow above the Belt."
CREAM OF WHEAT (continued).
A CEREAL.
Synopsis to previous chapters. Just like a
regular serial there's a hero, a heroine and a vilain.
if you didn't get our first copy it's your own
fault.
Chapter II.
When we left off last time^ our
hero, AI Lotta Hairlip, had just em-
braced the girl, on the railroad track.
She had fainted. She opened her
eyes and gushed a la Squirt, "My
Hero," Then she fainted again be-
cause she saw a reporter from the
Index coming toward her. The peo-
ple all rushed from the train as excited
as a class in English I. With them
came a physician. You could tell
that he was a physician because he
carried a bag that had M. D. printed
on it and there was a black-jack pro-
truding from his back pocket. He
leaned over the poor girl and said
"Why it's Miss Calculation, the $14.50
heiress." He took a bottle of Tom
Collins from his back pocket and
applied it to her lips. She sipped a
half pint of it down and murmurred
" I like you doctor. I hope I never
get well." He gave her more so as
to be . sure to restore her. All wept
as the doctor said, "The poor maiden
is very ill." She has what is known
as "Aqua regia of the Livers." The
only thing that will save her life is
East St. air which contains a rich com-
pound known as H2S."
Nobody knew what to do but leave
it to Al. Al. thought once in a while
despite the pain it gave his poor brain.
He jumped upon a bicycle and rode
fiercely thru the town. As he reached
the center of the town someone ran
out into the middle of the road and
cried, " Halt, in the name of the law."
Our hero knew not who the rude fel-
low might be, and you couldn't blame
him. But the people of the town
knew him well, because he was often
seen lounging against the Amherst
House. Yes, excited readers, it was
Melville Graves, Cheese of Police.
"You have exceeded the speed
limit," cried the Cheese, "You are
the most desperate criminal I ever
had to deal with." "Oh you get
out you old sardine!" cried our hero,
" I am not a criminal." Then he got
so mad he committed the worst sin
of his life. He did not mean to do it
but he lost his head and cast a pierc-
ing glance at the Cheese.
Melville staggered but regained his
unstable equilibrium and moving his
abdomen into shape again, he instantly
said in an excited tone, "You wait
here now until I call my officer No.
889,203, Mr. Slade the constable, and
the sheriff."
What was our hero to do. He
must save Miss Calculation, but what
is
(To be continued in our next.)
AN APOLOGY.
My name as printer of the War Cry being the
only one, apparently, responsible for the first
issue, a few words of explanation are necessary
on my part. 1 do not wish to blame the editors
for their apparent deception and had 1 been in
their position I should have preferred to disclaim
all connection with it and given the credit (?) to
someone else. Nevertheless, i am willing to
shoulder the responsibility for its typographical
appearance. As to its contents, heavens, don't
accuse me of that. 1 have a business reputation
to sustain and 1 am not guilty. In passing judge-
ment take in consideration the fact that 1 was
willing to pay my good money for this space
that I might make things right with the readers.
These are my business principles. I mean to
furnish the best in Job Printing of all kinds,
and if anything is not right, I am only too
glad to make it right at my expense.
A. X. PETIT,
JOB PRINTING AND ENGRAVING,
31 East Pleasant St., Amherst.
Telephone 386-W.
The only thing that could " suit " September
Morn is a barrel, but we can suit you any
morn or eve. Have a Hart.
SCHAFFNER & MARX MODEL.
sandersotT&thompson.
There's no need here of ordering 6 eggs in order
to be sure of getting two fresh ones.
Paying for the chair you sit on or tipping waitress.
BUCK'S COLUMBIA CAFE.
Don't be a Mexican Athlete.
There's a difference between Bulling and Bowling.
So Bowl, play Pool and Billiards at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEY.
You don't have to overcut anything. Let Spencer
' 1 8 do the cutting for you.
He gives you a 25c. hair-cut for a quarter.
The College Barber Shop,
Opposite College Store.
"Your Face is Your Fortune."
Have your fortune told by the camara.
You don't have to go out of town to have your
picture taken, visit
WEBSTER'S STUDIO.
When " First Down" town always make our
store your " Goal" and you'll never " Kick" if
you always "Tackle " our Fruit and Candy.
AMHERST FRUIT STORE.
Teeth, like women may be faults at times, but
they do not go back on you if you
treat them right.
DR. BANGS.
Whoop-er Up" Boys, that Hooper is the man
TO CLEANSE AND PRESS.
"SCOTTIE," the red-light shop.
You don't need specs to seethe "class"
to our repairing of lenses
and watches.
S. S. HYDE.
In order to get all phases of farming don't forget
to take a course at
ADAMS' PHARMACY.
"The store around wliich the town was built.'
I o per cent off on every meal ticket.
If you throw down such a chance you wouldn't
pay a nickel to see the Statue of Liberty
turn a handspring.
BERLIN CAFE, 11 Amity St.
Nobody home but the November Magazines
and they have just come out.
AMHERST BOOK STORE.
We don't have to apologies, we can boast of our
line. Put your faith in us and " watch "
as 1 do the rest.
E. E. MILLETT.
If you miss a car you can get another later, but
if you miss a chance to have your
tailoring done here you'll be sorry.
EPSTEIN.
Amherst may be dry, but we can wet you down
with our tonic, etc., and we do not soak.
COLLEGE STORE.
Snoring may be sheet music, but a sheet of our
stationery is worth more than a song.
A. J. HASTING'S
NEWS AGENCY.
Don't study Biology with the Hash-house
specimens.
Come down and dissect one of our Dogs.
DOG CART.
You can get along just as well without your
meals and bed as you can without
an M book.
"FITCH" WHITNEY '16.
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1914
NO. 3
SUPERFLUOUS EXPLANATION
The editors of the War Cry admit
a lack of literary training.
Modern Method of Determining
a Student's Mental Ability
Drop a sharp-edged axe on the
patient's head. If it penetrates the
ivory the case is hopeful.
Opportunity knocks but once. Other
knockers please copy.
Votes for Women. Election of a
deaness to fill the expected vacancy
of Prof. Lewis' office.
It just came to light how Bartlett,
'15, got that black eye which dec-
orated his face when he came back
to college this fall. It seems that
Bart tried the game of golf during
his leisure hours and one day ac-
cidentally hit a passing Irishman with
the golf ball. The Irishman got
rather sore, so E. R. B. explained to
him thusly:
"When I called 'fore' that was a
sign for you to get out of the way
because I was going to drive."
"Oh, is it, is it?" said Pat, "well,
thin, whin I say 'foive' it's a sign you're
going to git hit in the oye. Foive!"
A piece of chin was found on the
floor of the South Coll. basement.
Who bought the new safety razor.
TUFTS TRIP TIPS
Nice restaurant down in Somer-
ville Square. Order a beefsteak and
you get a piece of dry varnished
sole leather, sent direct by the
foundry man disguised as a cook.
Did you notice how Tufts gained
thru our line? Just like a dying man
gains weight.
That referee had as few friends in
the Aggie cheering section as a mad
dog and was as popular as La grippe.
Westcott, the injured man looked
awfully sick — kind of pale on end
runs, however.
The Tufts center has a heel mark
back of his left ear. What size heel
do you wear. Dole?
Very few came home saturated.
Finis.
War Bulletin — South Hadley Falls.
A large gathering of students greeted
Prof. Lewis at his campaign speech in
Hamp. Over 500 lbs. were present.
FAMOUS QUOTATIONS
Fords may come and Fords may
go, but I go on forever.
Sleepy Moses, the Mailman.
"What is so rare as a day in
Chicopee!" Homer (Cueball).
"Friends, Romans, and country-
men, lend me your makings."
Strauss.
"Thou hast me in thy grip, Charles!"
The Duke (Curran) to Charley Horse.
Spots of All Sotts
Pigeon Brooks, President of the
Winter League is still telling about
those high flies he used to knock.
Boont for a change, Brooks.
We did not mean to peek, but we
looked in No. 2 South College the
other night and saw Allie Wilkins
practicing for the shot-put.
The 1915 cross country team got a
hair cut last week.
"Every Knock a Boost*'
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
THE "PATSILIKE CO."
"Sid" Masse, . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . Business Manager
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
The hockey teams have already
ordered their rubber "Iboots. It is
reported that Rose Pitanof had been
engaged as coach.
"You're it!" "I won't play if I
can't kick." Heard at a Tag football
match.
The indoor rifle team will use bean
blowers instead of the regulation
"Daisy" this year.
Thebe stisno oneto agoo datthe
ha shouse!
"If a man's birth stone is an opal
what will his death stone be?"
"I bite."
"A grave-stone." Salvation Army
War Cry please copy.
Cream of Wheat, a cereal continued.
One minute to change the reels.
Al Lotta Hairlip will be on the job
again next week.
THE WAR CRY'S HALL OF
SHAME
Altho raised on Mellin's Food,
Livermore, '17, has grown up to be a
big rough boy.
Chip Boyd, '18, has the agency for
Burlap Underwear.
Says Prof. S — "Be economical.
Time is valuable. Save Time. Only
spend time in jail.
Every dog has his day. Frank-
furts served once a month at the
hash-house.
The early bird catches the worm.
The late waiter catches from
Harry White.
Amherst has more Poles than Po-
land (Me.)
Rome was not built in a day.
Neither will the new agri. building
be built in a year.
How is it they killed a man like
Abe Lincoln and let I. B. Lincoln
live?
Seth Banister to barber — "Part
my hair in the middle, please."
B. to S. B.— "Yes sir. Shall I
split the odd one?"
RULES ON ETIQUETTE
If a lady drops a handkerchief,
pick it up and blow your nose on it
if necessary, before returning it.
It is a breach of etiquette to put
your finger in your neighbor's soup
in order to see if it is hot or not.
In order to be popular, one should
have taking ways like a burglar.
If you should find a fly in your
coft'ee, remove the "diptera" from
the liquid and dry the poor fellow
off with a sponge.
Never stop to quarrel with a bar-
tender.
On visiting a sick man always
remind him of the beauty of Wild-
wood Cemetery and insurance, etc.
But whatever you do cheer him up
CREAM OF WHEAT
(Continued)
Synopsis- to previous chapters: Girl on
track. Saved by hero. Takes sick. Hero
rides away to get H2S-restoring air from
East St. Arrested by Cheese of Police.
Now we're ready to continue.
CHAPTER III
You remember how our hero was
arrested by Melville. Well, they led
our poor struggling youth away to
prison. Al knew he was in prison
because they had a sign on the wall
of this particular barn with 'prizon'
"Every Blow Above the Belt*'
painted on it. Our hero looked about
him and groaned Hke the last sweet
strains of "a-men" in chapel. Why
did he groan? It was because of the
fact that he saw there was no chance
to escape for the windows were locked
and they had a hook on the door.
(Ref. "Jails and Jail-Birds" by Boyer)
After a brief conference, the Cheese
announced the verdict as follows,
"Al Lotta Hairlip, whereas you have
broken the laws of Amherst and
assaulted the great 'I -am' you are
to be shot at sun-rise."
"Where is that city?" sobbed the
youth with a sniff, not knowing that
sun-rise is the name of a stove
polish. Then he fainted away like
a drooping skunk-cabbage.
The Cheese and his followers left.
Young Hairlip did not sleep much
that night. He stayed awake, puri-
fying his soul by reading the "Police
Gazette." However, he soon grew
sleepy, so setting the alarm clock for
6:22 (sun-rise) so as to be sure to
awake in time, our hero slept.
Two things saved Al Lotta the
next morning. One was that Mel-
ville, the Cheese, overslept, much to
his disgust. The other reason was
that the day was cloudy and the sim
did not come out.
Our hero laughed up his sleeve for
glee. Then he unbolted the door
and went out into the fresh air as
free as the odor of the Friday fish
at the hash-house. The poor youth
had lost weight from his worry the
night before, so he crossed the street
and bought some doughnuts in the
bakery, both to gain weight and get
strong.
Then he hopped upon his faithful
bicycle and rode at the speed of m
square over q tim.es E. Z. (Ref. see
Kimball's Physics.) AI did not know
the exact location of East St. but as
usual his luck was with him. He
hailed a passing youth, long and
straight, with a tight vest on. Oho!
It's Andrew Dalrymple, the Revere
Beach thug. Andrew informed our
hero of the location of East St.', but
just then who should
(One week to change the reels)
TO THE POWER PLANT
On cold wintry days, the heat you give
Is as rare as your light at one in the
morn.
If we relied on your heat to live
We'd prefer the warm place when we
are gone.
A Marsh Sandwich — Franklin W.
Marsh between two fair dames — a
sort of bitter-sweet.
The Looloo Bird says: —
An axiom is something that is al-
ways so even if it isn't so.
Angell struck his head against the
goal post, neither was hurt.
Tufts felt as lucky as the tramp
who only lost the seat of his pants to
the bull-dog. Pants for pants.
ALUMNI NOTES
John Louis Eisenhaure, '13, the
iron-man, was seen fussing the game
with Miss Periwinkle Bullard, '13.
Arthur G. Weigel, '14, was also at
the game. Hey?
Little Munroe Tarbell, '14, is
teaching in Connecticut. We rejoice
in your success, Munroe!
You may be neutral but you'll be "in Dutch"
if you try any other place than
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Think of the future. In after years an M
book will wash out care and iron
out wrinkles
See **Titch" Whitney, '16
Clothes make the man, so you're not a man
unless "Scottie" has put your clothes
in shape
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
If you want health to go with your beauty
let Dr. Mooney prescribe your
diet at the
K 9 Palace, Danforth, '16
Your clothing may be of the C. D. brand
Ours are Hart, Schaffner and Marx and
they're O. K.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
Eat, drink and be merry — on one of our
weekly $5.50 meal tickets — 90c worth
of eats allowed each day
BERLIN CAFE, 11 Amity St.
The only fruit that we don't sell are the nuts
that come on the axle-tree
Amherst Fruit Store
The man with faults worth mentioning is
apt to have no virtues worth speaking
about. It's different with our shoes,
only good things are. said of them
A little tooth, a little pain.
It's time to see Doc. Bango again.
Watch your teeth!
DR. BANGS
J. F. PAGE
Where is the best place for apple-pie order?
U-NO-Y
Buck's Columbia Cafe
Dear Nut —
I can't come over to Amherst to board as
there are too many "Allies" over here
Kaiser Will He?
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEY
A Pig- pen is of no use to use, but our Fountain
Pens are
COLLEGE STORE
Most people know what they want. But
what they don't know is what to do
in order to obtain it. For a good
picture see
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
Those who believe money can do anything
are generally ready to do anything for money
Best for your money at
F. A. SHEPARD'S
"Shoot if you must this old grey-head," she
said, "but use Thompson's rifles
and ammunition."
E. A. THOMPSON-MM the Bank
Tufts had a close shave. We can give you
just as close a shave
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
The Kingsbury Box & Printing Co.
Northampton, Mass.
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1914
NO. 4
CREAM OF WHEAT (A Cereal)
(Concluded)
Synopsis of previous chapters —
See Chap. I, II and III.
CHAPTER IV
The words "when who should"
are the last ones in Chap. Ill and
they are poor words to end up with,
but we were just going to say "who
should think the thug would know
where East St. is." Don't criticise
the thug however for he don't know
anyone down that way.
Well, by this time our hero had
reached East St. and was already
on his way back to the B. & M.
tracks. But how did he get the
H2S Festoring Air from East St.
That's the big mystery of the story.
We will save that until the end.
Arriving at the tracks our hero
found Miss Calculation sitting on
the track weeping. The train was
nowhere in sight, neither were the
passengers or the doctor.
The "airess" smiled beautifully
until it looked as if there was grave
danger of her swallowing her ears.
"But where have the people gone
who were caring for you, sweet
caporal," he said.
"Oh, the brutes left me to die
here," she spouted.
"E Pluribus Unum," cursed our
hero, under his breath in Spanish.
Aloud — "and the doctor?"
"Speak not of him," she gulped,
nearly choking with the quid of
tobacco she was chewing. "He wanted
me to pay a bill of $2 and because
I had no money with me he knocked
out my gold tooth with a hammer
to keep as a security."
"Such a man as that should be
reported to the Society for Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals," expostulated
Al with the grim ferocity of our old
friend Wattles during a checker
game.
The girl removed her rat and hand-
ing it to our hero said, "You are
'muh' only friend — take this to re-
member me by."
He reached for her hand; never
before had he held such a dainty
little hand since the time he shook
hands with Sam Langford.
"I love you," he sputtered.
She wiped the fine spray off her
face, meanwhile blushing vermillion.
"Oh my gorgonzola cheese," she
cooed like a pigeon with the mange.
He stirred uneasily like a table-
spoon. "Marry me," he cried madly,
deceived by her glass diamond ear-
ring.
The girl fainted again. She prob-
ably wanted Tom Collins again,
but our hero had only enough left
for himself. The sight of the poor
girl took his breath away. He
swallowed some XXX and his breath
returned quickly and strong. He
bit her ear to see if she still lived.
"Ah, ah," he cried, curling up his
hair lip, "The East St. air will cure
her.
You have probably forgotten the
East St. air in the excitement of the
love scene.
Our hero let the air out of his
bicycle. He had pumped his bicycle
tire up when he got to East St. after
he had let the other air out. The
girl began to wiggle spontaneously —
a true sign she was coming back to
life.
'Every Knock a Boost**
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
THE "PATSIDIKE CO."
'Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
'Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
'Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
She opened her eyes and murmured
"My hero. You have really saved
my life — -my hero, my provider,
my calloused face beauty."
"Then you will be mine," he asked
in the meanwhile adjusting his sleeve-
less vest and lighting a cubeb.
She laughed coyly, "You bet," she
said.
"Then we must lose no time,"
said he, holding on to his watch.
"We'll get married at once."
Then they lived happily ever after
and he entered M. A. C. with the
rest of the married men.
The End
Note — Ended just like a regular
story — "Bell-boy, bring a sponge."
Heard in the Hash-House
"Head waiter, head waiter, I've
found a button in the salad. Take it
back to Chesley and tell him it must
have come off the dressing."
Prof. Hicks remembers his troubles
from that auto even in his prayers —
"Forgive us our trespasses as we
forgive those that try to pass us."
Signs of winter-
his earlaps.
Top" Hart and
Anyone affected with a weak heart
is advised not to read this paper as
you never can tell how it will affect
you.
After Polish week the college is
planning to entertain the N. E.
Union of Garbagemen. Kindly get
the campus in as welcoming an
appearance as possible by throwing
papers, banana skins etcetera around.
For Sunday chapel the college is
planning to install a number of Hobo
Folding Beds.
The "Black-Hand" crew tried to
wreck the "War-Cry's" Editorial staff,'
but their plans were unsuccessful.
It is rumored that a fresh consign-
ment of Beef is to be delivered im-
mediately to the Hash-House from
those regions where the Foot and
Mouth dilemma is apparent.
The cheering for the Football players
this week has been real deafening
on account of the vociferous yelling
from the Co-ed table. Rat-tat- ti-
toot!
Springfield treated our fellow col-
lege men from across the town real
horrid last Saturday. Just for that
we'll lick them. ON TO SPRING-
FIELD.
"The Pond from the walk looms up
cold and wet
To all who would the SPRINGFIELD
game forget."
Called on Account of Pain
First Cat (during the fight) — Me-e-
ou-ou-ou-ou-wou-shpizz-hst !
Second Cat (side-stepping) — Aw
cut out the spit-bawl, Malty.
Puck.
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
LAST NIGHT
By Ownie Gaygan Alias — and a
couple more dashes
Last night as I lay a-sleeping
I dreamed a dream so fair.
I dreamt I was at the SPRINGFIELD
GAME
And the AGGIE BOYS were there.
The people were all shouting
As "Giggie" led them on.
The "Springfield Horn" was tooting
(Poetic License)
As though all breath was gone.
The ball flew down on the kick-off
And "Cue-Ball" nailed it quick.
Ah! who can stop our players?
None but the very old "Nick."
Yes, friends, but "Nick" was not
present
In this game they play on the run.
The Springfield Team could only resent
And the GAME for AGGIE was
WON.
The Looloo Bird says:
An hour's studying in M. A. C. is
worth 3 hours in 'Hamp.
Last Saturday morning 'andsome
'arold 'yde arose from his nocturnal
(nice word?) slumbers and after
viewing his countenance in the mirror
decided that he had better remove
the 5 days beard that he had been
carrying about all week. Well, Hyde
thought that the barb-wire Beard
might take some nicks out of his
razor so he went down to see the
college barber.
"A shave, please!" says Hyde.
"Are you sure that those luxuriant
locks of yours don't need a clipping?"
said the C. B. running his money-
grabbers thru Hyde's hair.
"Oh, no," says Hyde. "I don't
want a haircut. The same barber
has cut my hair for the last six years."
The C. B. tipped the chair and when
he had adjusted the towel he said
gently, "Looks as if he had been
dead quite a while."
SPOTS OF ALL SOTTS
Quite a few fellows will have a
chance to win their M.t.t. this year,
especially the members of the three
lower classes. M.t.t. stands for
Mettawampe Trek Team.
Candidates for the various class
basketball teams will be called out
soon. No spiked shoes or tango pumps
allowed on the floor; brass knuckles
and nose guards may be v/orn.
Candidates can get practice shooting
dumplings in the water pitcher at
dinner.
We feel that we must congratulate
Capt. Lane on his idea of having
class shooting teams. Everybody
can afford to buy a set of dice and if
the teams play back of the barns
there is very little chance of the law
getting after them.
ALUMNI NOTES
Arthur W. Taylor, '14, of Fed
Hills, was recently seen admiring
us poor cusses at work. Fat is
working over a detective story to
be called "Closeted v/ith Jeff Calvert."
John D. Pellett, '14, who is prin-
cipal of the Cape Elizabeth High
School and was heard to say:
"Will the class in history please
stand up and recite the golden rule."
Paul Serex, '13, is studying the
chemical properties of leaves in order
to discover why they fall in the Fall.
What we want to knoviA Paul, is, who
put them up there on the trees.
Whether it's cold or whether it's hot,
Whether there's weather, or whether there's
not.
It's always cold in Octcember.
For a good hot chocolate, try
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Afellow bought his girl a present. She said after
receiving it, " I can't accept this when I thinli of the
past." "Forget the past," he said, " and think of
the present."
You, however, should think of the future and buy
an " M " book.
SEE "TICH" WHITNEY, '16
You should have a pressing engagement with
Scottie, the Tailor, before the next Informal
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
Dog days are past but our dogs are a re-
past. Game in season at Danforth's
Hunting Grounds
CAFE DE GHIEN
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
Our clothes have more fits than the inmates
of Dippy Flill. Buy a pair of our gloves
just to keep your hand in
On parle Francais ici
We'll cater to you here or we'll cater to you
wherever you wish, for we're sure to
satisfy. Catering a specialty
BERLIN RESTAURANT
We don't run a Plumbing shop, but we
guarantee to "solder up" any hole the
hash-house doesn't fill up
COLLEGE STORE
"When a man can make the Best Inn in
America, even though it is located in North-
ampton, the world will make a Beaten Path
to its door." — Emerson
Why put your gold in the bank when you may
as well have it put in your teeth
DR. BANGS
You remember that piece of pie you got at
home after the Tufts game? Well, we've
got a duplicate copy of it -
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
Study Physics at "Mets," there you can find
the acceleration per second
of a ball rolling on a smooth surface
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEY
The Best Policy for your Life, your Fortune,
and your sacred honor is to insure with
RAHAR'S INN
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
Christmas comes but once a year, this year it
comes on December 25, but now's the
time to have your picture taken for
Christmas
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
If you don't think that clothes make a
difference, try walking down the street
without any
F. A. SHEPARD
"No, Freshman! The only two things that
Thompson don't repair are Broken
Umljrellas and Broken Promises."
E. A. mOMFSOiV — Sperling Gooils
When it comes to tonsorial art, there are only
a few that have anything on Spencer, '18.
0pp. the College Store
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
The Kingsbury Box & Printing Co.
Northampton, Mass.
E
WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1914
NO. 5
That little amusement (?) that
Springfield offered us between the
halves was just like raw petroleum —
very crude. However, did you notice
that the cow (supposed to represent
Aggie) came back when they thought
it was dead and buried? The echo
of that death knell which the bugler
sounded will be heard by the Y. M.
C. A. College when they visit us in
hockey and baseball. The incident
was almost as funny as the game
that the Training School players put
up in baseball last spring.
We saw the same kind of an affair
performed between the halves of
a High School game.
Altho a course of law is not offered
at college, it seems that a number of
fellow-students were admitted to the
bar last Sat. in Springfield.
Hari-kari Society of Black-handers
Mr. Chesley,
Stewed of the M. A. C. Salle de Mange
Many times in the past have we
warned thee of thy impending danger
which threatens thine numbered days
on earth. For many moons thou
hast fed the subjects of this com-
munity with unfit food. Thou hast
made us what we are to-day, we hope
thou art satisfied. But we have at
last met in the secret cavern of the
earth to mete out thine revenge,
Rr-r-r-revenge-r-r. We have counted
the number of our fellow sufferers
that have perished from thine poison-
ous foods and we find that there are
many of these good men that suffered
the tortures of indigestion due to
thee. Many of our members have
grown old in years — white beards
and deeply incrusted wrinkles de-
corating their faces — ^which were
once young and clear as ivory (soap) .
Many of our brethren suffer of
broken wrists and sprained backs
due to the strain of attempting to
cut thine rubber beef and knotty
(naughty — either way) frankforts.
Thine Bovine milk has caused many
of our unfortunates to suffer from a
touch of concussion of the brain,
and in their delirium some even call
to us to pass the cream, poor souls.
The only thing we do not reproach
thee, with the full tempest of our
mad blood-thirsty cry, is thine butter.
Before trying to pass a biscuit
down our oesophageal cavity, we
have to use thine butter as lubricant
to oil our throats — ^we wish we had
axle grease instead. When the above
mentioned biscuits land into our
stomachs feet first with that dull
thud, we recover only with the aid
of the directions of "the first aid to
the injured" sign placed at the head
of each table. Many of us have
taken our desserts with the aid of
ether.
Enough of this nude description
of our tortures during repast. Now
we are about to render the verdict
of our revenge.
Many wished to leave it to the
fates of nature and await the time
when the devil himself will make
thee eat thine own food and all
the little demons disguised as Indi-
gestion will prong thee in thine own
stomach as if with a thousand
hat-pins; when the terrible odor
and sight of thine own victuals will
be placed before thee and thou wilt
"Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
THE "PATSIDIKE CO."
'Sid" Masse, . . Editor-in-Chief
'Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
'Gibby" Perry . . . . .
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
suffer the suffering of the ungodly
until at last thou wilt scream with
rage.
But we have concluded to give
you one more warning. Within
twenty-four hours after the time
that thou receivest this paper—
(thou wilt receive one by mail) —
thou wilt feel the full force of our
terrible torture unless thou givest
us victuals fit for a king. Let us
see a steak upon our breakfast
table once in a while — real honest
to God milk and butter — biscuits
spelled with a capital B — beef that
shall make our salivary glands over-
flow with its tempting odor and
appearance — pie that will remind
us that we left home many years
ago. Suppers that will send us to
bed with prayers for thee instead of —
well something worse.
Do all this within the limited
twenty-four (24) hours — without rais-
ing the price of board to $8 a week and
thou art safe from our murderous
hands. Fail and face the bloody
consequences. Remember five
hundred (500) daggers are being
sharpened and polished by five
hundred of us. Thine back itches at
the mere thought of it. Enough,
Obey that impulse and ours,
The Black Hand Society.
Lost — About 80 men who signed
off at the hash-house.
THE HALL OF SHAME
They say that Flagg, '17, is a
Scotchman. Next week he is going
back to the old kilts because he has
so much trouble getting his feet
thru his trousers each morning.
The ties of friendship are strong.
Mont'y just returned to Clark, '15,
that bow tie he borrowed last spring.
Wanted — A canary bird to sing
me to sleep nights — Gioiosa. How
Freddy misses those animules.
Hunnewell says that anyone attend-
ing the freshmen show on feeling the
least bit faint from an attack of
blushing creeping over them will
find talcum powder under the seats.
A Freshman is quoted thusly:
"Gee, talk about trips. Fd like to
make the rifle team. Think of shoot-
ing against U. of Calif. Has the
football team trips beat a mile."
Ever notice the resemblance between
the German Crown Prince and Don
Dinsmore? They both part their
hair in the middle.
What's the use of buying one of
Whitney Lincoln & Co.'s calendars.
They offer you 12 months for a dollar.
You can get two years in jail for
nothing.
Another freshman quoted (on hear-
ing of Stanford's election to Phi
Kappa Phi) "I never knew they
elected anyone on the faculty to
Phi Kappa Phi."
Heard at a mass-meeting, Farrar
speaking, "Only 207 tickets sold.
**Every Blow Above the Belt'*
There's not a reason why there should
be a single man — who stays away
from that game."
The Looloo Bird says, "A crib is
like sulphur and molasses — some
people can't get along without it.
Especially in the spring."
Another rule or two on Etiquette
On slamming a fellow on the left
cheek always follow it up by turning
his head the other way and smite
the right also.
Just because the Liberty Bell is
cracked is no reason why you should
try to crack nuts on the window pane.
SPOTTS OF ALL SOTTS
Parlor football practice up in West
Entry No. College will soon start.
While the challenges are still hot,
Old John claims that he is as good at
picking up as any of the Aggie men
that hang around the street corners
evenings.
The Faculty All American team
will soon be picked. "Billy" is strong
in kicking. He certainly can kick.
"Sid" is good on interference. He
always could interfere with a good
mark. "Lefty" is good in an open
field where there ain't many others
running. Practice every night in
Doc. Chamberlain's office.
"Reg" Hunt claims that there are
some likely looking candidates out
for his Pool team. He talked to his
men last night and gave them some
good cues.
Capt. Johnson has his eyes on a
man that got an offer to pitch on
the World's Champions Penny Pitch-
ing Team.
ALUMNI NOTES
Murray D. Lincoln, '14, has re-
cently been seen around College. He
left his Ford in the Barber-shop while
getting a shave.
Walter Rosebrooks, ex-' 13, and
then '14, has recently gained fame by
having his picture published in all
the papers of the Country advertising
"Sailors' Delight" chewing tobacco.
OUR DEFECTIVE STORIES
No. 1
The Home Made Maid at Home
Or Why Policemen leave the
Service
Chap. I.
The new maid arrived, alighting
from her limousine and handed
"Ketchup," her prize winning Tomato
Terrier, to the butler. Inside the
home of Lammor Beef, the million-
aire manufacturer of fish balls, the
whole family with the exception of
Mrs. Beef were awaiting the new
maid. Little four year old Corn Beef
was gleefully playing with a cabbage.
Chap. II.
The maid entered, handing her
rubber boots to the footman who
always took care of such things,
"The new maid, I presume?" said
Lammor Beef. "Oui, but I do not
spik zee English verai good, gosh all
mighty," answered the new maid,
chucking little Corn Beef under the
chin with her heavy umbrella to show
her fondness for children. "Are you a
good worker?" asked the cautious
Lammor. "Oui, but I always like
to take things fairly easy," said the
maid, eyeing the family jewelry.
{To he continued)
Adam was the first gent in this world of
ours, and
ADAMS
was the First Drug Store in Amherst
Moral: "The First is never Second"
Do unto others as you would have others
do unto you. Treat your "wife" to some
of our sweet confectionery
GRANGE STORE
Best Work=Best Tailor
Scottie=Best Work
.•.Scottie=Best Tailor
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
The Annual Dog Show will be held this
week at Danforth Hall. Judges are
wanted for the English Bull and
Frankfort Class
Bow-wow Emporium
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
We have hats for all kinds of domes
Both soft and hard
The Russian War-cry in "onto Berlin!" they
mean the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
If you want to write we've got the paper,
If you want to fight we've got the gloves.
If you want a bite — well,
We'll satisfy you whatever you want.
COLLEGE STORE
This is no blacksmith shop. All shoes will
wear out but our shoes will outwear
any others
BOLLES
The fellow who wrote "It's always fair
weather when good fellows get to-
gether" must have known
RAHAR'S INN
Every little tooth ache has a meaning of
its own, every bit of work a satisfaction
DR. BANGS
What is the difference between starvation
and contentment
25c worth at
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
If you roll them, down at Aggie
You can roll them on the alley
Metcalf's Bowling Alley
"Safety First" runs a close second to an
insurance policy with
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
You can't be in more than one place at
time but your face can be anywhere on
Christmas by having your photo-
graph taken at
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
A barber can give you a good cut but we can
give you a real distinctive cut in a
Royal tailored suit
F. A. SHEPARD
When you're broke there's no hope — but if
There's anything broken I can mend it
E. A. mOMP50iV — Sporting Goods
It is all fact and fiction when we say that our
50c fiction is hard to equal at twice the
price
Amherst Book Store
I don't cut my prices because I belong to
the Union but I can cut your hair and
you don't have to pull in your ears
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1914
NO. 6
BIG GAME— FACULTY VERSUS
TOWN TEAM
The Faculty All-America team
won the toss and Capt. Martin chose
to defend the south goal so as to be
near Hicks' office and the rest of the
bandages. "Billy" received the kick-
off and after rolling a cigarette
ran the ball back (?) 10 yards. On
the next play Sid Haskell got in
Lefty Lewie's way because he hap-
pened to be determining the type of
soil they were on. The result was
that Lefty lost 5 yards and time
had to be taken out while they
scraped the muck and humus off
of Sid's nose. Billy Lockwood got
off a beautiful buttermilk spiral, a
punt good for 30 yards. On the
next play Doc. Gordon was put out
of the game for slamming some one
with a skate. For the Town Team,
Labrovitch made 8 yards on a skin
(?) tackle play. The town team
got away with a beautiful 40 yard
run when Old John hid the ball in
his rag-bag. Melville Graves was
thinking of the drunk tied up at
the jail and consequently fumbled
on the next play, Kenney falling on
the ball as if he was falling on a
nickel. Gage, our star quarter-back
got off a nice forward pass, but the
team was penalized 15 yards because
Neal was holding the Dean of the
Herrick School and trying to recite
Lamb's Tales to him. Gage, however,
was there on the next play also,
scooting thru Kurd's legs like a
croquet ball thru a wicket. Sprague
opened up a big hole at right tackle
by tickling his opponent's face
with his whiskers, and Lockwood
made 9 yards. Time was taken out
because Doc. Peters couldn't find
his nose guard. Finally it was found
in old John's bag and play was
resumed. When the referee wasn't
looking Labrovitch stole the ball.
Pa Plumb, the barberous quarter-
back of the town team clipped off
35 yards on a hair-raising end run.
Old John was thrown for a loss
but picked up some lost ground on the
next play.
At this point of the game every one
started to get excited. Prince com-
menced some Public Speaking to
the umpire and even Graham used
foul language. Labrovitch tried to
sell Kenney a pressing ticket and
Doc. Peters started doping out the
chemical formula for the odor of
Pa Plumb's Hair Tonic. Kenney
took Melville Graves' pet watch,
Big Ben. Not only that but Billy
was out of the makings so the game
was called.
Lineup :
Faculty Town Team
Kenney, le re, "The Bird"
Graham, It rt, Tom Dillon
Gordon, Ig rg, Officer Smith
Hurd, c c, Meridor, the Soap-man
Martin (capt.) rg
Ig, John, the Peanut-man
Prince, rt It, Teofil Mienta
Peters, re le, Moses the Mail-man
Gage, qb qb, Pa Plumb
Lewis, Ihb rhb, Labrovitch
Lockwood, rhb Ihb, M. Graves
Hasbrouk, fb fb. Old John
ALUMNI NOTE
Just out. Published by Spikando
Hadfield, "From Janitor to School-
marm," or "The Life of Ned Christie."
'Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
THE "PATSIDIKE CO."
''Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
OUR DEFECTIVE STORIES
No. 1
The Home Made Maid at Home
Or Why Policemen leave the
Service
(Continued)
Chap. III.
The cuckoo clock had run down and
Stellia Wallet, the new maid, was
giving it a little bird seed. In the
adjoining room Lammor Beef called
for the butler thru his megaphone
which he always carried hanging to
his watch chain. The butler entered,
powdering his nose. "Bring me a
perfecto and tell the new maid to
take little Com Beef out for an airing
and incidentally instruct him in the
gentle art of self-defence,"
The niillionaire smoked in silence.
Suddenly a hand touched him slightly
on the shoulder. An ofhcer stood at
his gide. "Back to Nature," moaned
Lammor. "Ah! ah! you do not
recognize me," cried Necca Wafers
(for it was indeed the great defective
himself) removing his disguise by
taking out his false teeth. "I,
Necca Wafers, the man who found
Charlie Moses in the bull rushes,
am at your service." "Watch the
maid,'' cried Beef, heaving a sigh of
relief. "Leave it to me," asserted
Necca, disguising himself as the
statue of Apollo.
Chapter IV.
The famous defective giggled as
the maid dusted him with a feather
duster. It tickled him, you bet.
Then the maid slipped the family
gold fish down her stocking, the
meanwhile the sly Wafers disguising
himself as an English duke with a
monocle. Themaid left the house. The
defective dropped thru the register,
again changed his disguise to a
frankfurt and dogged her footsteps.
Chap. V.
But the trap was set for him. The
girl went thru the swinging doors.
The defective followed and got a
dreadful shock as he put his foot'
on the rail, and then, and then — -,
the bartender told him they did not
serve minors. "I never worked under
ground in my life" snarled the
Necca, as he went on the trail of a
quart of XXX. But who follows him
but the German spy, Herr Tonic
with a loaded dum-dum gun.
Chap. VI.
The girl's trail lead him to Matte-
wan. She entered. He followed
but a voice cried out "No-body
Home."
{To he continued)
MAJOR STUDIES
As the Sophomores will spend every
Wednesday morn. next semester
trying to become enlightened in the
tricks and fancies of the different
majors, we have decided to help out
the faculty in this regard and thus
save the sophomores the torture of
having to listen to the same "line"
that is passed each year. We have a
complete set of notes on each major
taken in short-hand from the speeches
of past years.
AGRONOMY
The major in Agronomy offers
great openings to the right men.
(But that's a thing you never know
until it is over all). The course is
**Every Blow Above the Belt"
connected with a concise examination
of soils and its allied subjects, —
such as soiled collars, shirts, hands,
etc. According to the U. S. D. A.
there are 14 of these distinct soil
types and 12 of these are often seen
walking around the college. The
Best Known soiled type around col-
lege was found in the 1913 U. S. D. A.
Survey and was later put into the
1914 Survey and was called "Rose-
brook's very Dirty soil." The course
is very interesting and there are
numbers of grave-diggers and street-
cleaners who have risen to a high
degree of proficiency in the manipu-
lation of the soil. I want to conclude
by saying that This is the Best Course
in College.
EXTRACT FROM A WAR
BULLETIN
Myschztski, Oct. 1914.
On the dismal and murky night of
the 13th, twenty grizzled veterans
convened at their usual rendezvous.'
Up spoke the chief, the eldest of the
score, saying, "Has Brouck reported
yet?"
No one answered.
He repeated the question.
Finally some one in the rear rank
wheezed, "Watts his first name?"
Again there was a ghastly silence.
Ignoring the question, the chief
continued his elaborate discourse.
Just then a clatter of hoofs rang out
on the cool midnight air. The
horseman dashed into their midst:
"Waugh has been declared!" he
cried.
A frown wrinkled the chief's stormy
brow. "Peter," he said, "ride to the
gates of Butter field with all speed, but
do not hurry . There are many B rooks
which cross your path; if you can't
Waid them, maybe Dun can. We
can't afFoord to lose a chance of
getting some Green men. See that
you Lock Wood up before you go
and after he is secure, may God
speed you on your way."
In order to avoid any misunder-
standing, he repeated his orders to
Pete's attentive ear. Peter gravely
saluted, mounted his steed, and as he
departed these words hung on his
parched lips, "I Hurd you the first
time."
Recent Inventions:
Left handed thumb tacks.
India rubber pint or quart bottles
(guaranteed not to break or leak).
Smokeless tobacco.
Spiked headgears.
Empty buttonholes.
Flannel nickels.
Spherical dice.
Dear Miss Delia Dope:
I am completely undone, in fact
I am on the verge of insanity. My
troubles began thusly:
8.10. Met Franklin.
8.35. Deeply attracted by his sil-
very tongue.
8.50. Much enamoured to him.
9.01. Enter father.
9.0li Exit Franklin.
I would give my all to affect recon-
ciliation between father and Franklin.
Yours in utter expectancy,
Miss de Meanor.
FOR SALE
One antique Chem. Lab. Approx-
imate value $13.30. May be used for
a tobacco barn or wood shed. Also,
one Physics Lab. Approximate value
$9.48. If shingled, would be suitable
as a garage for a Ford. Terms of
this sale 10 per cent cash, the balance
50c a week.
The town hall may be important but
What would the town be without
ADAMS DRUG STORE
If you have got a bad tooth see a dentist
If you have a sweet tooth try our crackers
and candy
GRANGE STORE
Visit the Amherst Flat-iron Building
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
The Hash-house has special hours for eating
but you can eat anything any time at any
price at the
DOG CART
Proclamation — Let us give thanks that
Sanderson & Thompson keep civiliza-
tion dressed up
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
You can get a Thanksgiving Dinner any
day at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
We don't knock down anything but we would
like to introduce you to our line
COLLEGE STORE
Money is the root of all evil.
Root for us and we'll give you good for evil.
Taylor's Sporting Goods
Stiles '17 and Gillette '18, Agents
What is Northampton without a place to
dine in like
RAHAR'S INN
Don't get cold feet and a bad cough
Just cough up the price of keeping your feet
warm and comfortable by patronizing
PAGE'S SHOE STORE
Columbia is the Gem of the Ocean, but
Eddie's Cafe is the Gem of the land.
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
Candidates for the Aggie Bowling Team
report at Metcalf's Alleys any afternoon
or evening
Metcalf's Bowling Alley
Assure yourself that our insurance is sure
to be the Best
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank i
A Photograph is ever a truthful recorder of ]
the Past and Present — have your photo- ;
graph taken for Christmas ;
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
Clothes should be warm, attractive, of the !
Best Material, well tailored, in fact they ■
should be Royal Tailored Suits
F. A. SHEPARD i
There are Grease spots and College Sports '
but we sell Sporting Goods
E. A. THOMPSON
Rear of First National
We give the course in English 50; that is,-
Good Fiction at 50 cents
Amherst Book Store
If you're bald don't come here
But if you want any hair cut from one hair
to one million, see
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1914
NO. 7
THE WAR CRY'S SUGGESTIVE
FINAL EXAM
Why not shorten the number of
exams and save time by giving an
exam Hke the following:
Given the 18th Lumbar vertebra
of a Buttercup, describe the life
history of one of the poets of the
Hammerstein Age in such a way as
to prove that the chemical formula
of a plate of soup does not in any way
conflict with the moral ideas amid the
lower bivalves, neglecting the fact
that 2x plus mn (Y minus 14z) is a
factor which Boyle left out of his
Law of Cosines.
A number of fellows have asked us
the meaning of Quid agis age Aggie.
We do not know what it means. We
asked Tabby and he did not know.
We also inquired of a noted Latin
scholar and he didn't know. There-
fore, we are going to offer a prize
of a year's subscription to the WAR
CRY for the best answer, and a
free copy for each of next five best
answers. Hand in answers to any
member of the board.
To an instructor of the English Dept.
We have never seen "it" on you for
the last few years.
If you can't do "it" we will shed
some tears.
If "it" hurts you, don't do "it."
If "it" froze that way — nothing
can help "it."
Perhaps you don't think "it" is
worth while.
But we recommend to you one
good SMILE.
THE HOME MADE MAID AT
HOME
Or Why Policemen Leave The
Service
{Concluded)
Chap. 6
Everything was quiet as death
itself. You could have heard a nine-
pin drop. Not a sound except for the
slight dynamiting in the room above.
Necca Wafers did not know that
Herr Tonic was following him, but
he dodged just in time to avoid the
rifle shot of the villainous spy.
There was another shot and the great
defective realized he had shot his
lunch in the excitement.
Chap. 7
After recovering from his attack
of biliousness, Necca found that the
girl and Herr Tonic were gone.
He rushed out into the street. It
was bitter cold. He thought he
detected the sound of subdued con-
versation but it was only the chatter-
ing of his teeth. The sleuth concluded
that the maid must have returned
home for she only had the afternoon
off. He breathed a sigh of relief but
it pained him and for the first time he
realized something was wrong. He
felt around for his heart and ran into
some moist blood drops.
"Ha ha!" cried the ferocious sleuth
incognito quite to himself but never-
theless somewhat out loud on the
other hand, "it is the work of Tonic."
(See advertisement regarding Spring-
field beer). Then he cursed, for the
German spy had got blood all over
his new shirt and had left the broken
tip of the knife blade in his heart.
Necca swallowed a KCN pill and was
all right again.
"Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
Chap. 8
The defective entered the house of
the milHonaire, taking care to step
over the prostrate body of Stewed
Beef, the eldest son of Lammor.
The maid was in the kitchen making
fish balls.
"You have the missing fiscis invert-
ebrate," cried Necca.
'T have not," exclaimed Stellia,
"I never had anything worse than the
measles and red hair!"
"Where is the gold fish?" demanded
the irate defective.
"You can fish me, I don't know,"
sneered the maid.
Chap. 9
The famous sleuth ate supper with
the family. He was very disappointed
at not being able to trace the family
gold fish. It would be the first case
he could not solve. N. Wafers cut
viciously into the fried fish ball
and a cry of joy escaped his lips as
he espied a gold scale and knew
then that the maid had attempted to
conceal her crime by using the gold
fish in the fried fish balls.
Chap. 10
Necca ran into the" kitchen to arrest
the maid. She was in the embrace of
a policeman, vulgarly spoken of as a
cop. Then Wafers realized he could
not touch the girl for she was within
the law. Grief stricken, he ran into
the library and consumed a volume
of Neal's English books and choked
and —
Chap. 11
The family of the noted defective
was notified. Herr Tonic got Necca
Wafers' job.
THE END
ALUMNI NOTES
Albert J. Kelley, '13, has recently
given up his position teaching in
Natick in order to work for Street
and Walker. Albert says he hopes he
can stay with those people a long time.
RECENT ADDITIONS TO OUR
LIBRARY
She works on the first floor and other
stories. By Iva Hunch.
How to become a Millionaire.
By Crook.
My secrets of Beauty. By James
Harper.
Elementary Hebrew. By Murphy.
Advantages of National Prohibi-
tion. By J. Rainwater Buze.
HALL OF SHAME \
It just come to light how Doc. •
Grant received a captaincy. H. D. ■
G. explains as follows: "It was on
account of my shape. My legs \
especially are perfectly shaped except ;
that one of them is v/arped." j
Kelleher is smoking an awful lot i
of cigars lately. We hope the next !
lot will be different from those \
Havana Fumigata's. j
Cy Little attended the motion '
pictures while at home last week and
reported that he was deeply moved. |
1
Bartley is very much worried over I
the fact that a noted geologist claims \
that Cape Cod will be washed
away in 25,000,000,000 years.
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
Harper's allowance has been cut
down to $200 for next month on
account of his extravagance in pur-
chasing collars.
The Lulu bird says: Water is
useful for rusting stomachs, putting
under bridges and throwing Freshmen
into.
A good job for a lazy man — check-
ing hats in a Quaker Church.
When Vener, '15, was asked the
function of the stomach in Vet. Sci.
the other day he answered that the
function of the stomach is to hold
up your pants.
The Prohibition Club is going to
have its annual banquet at Flaherty's
Road House at Bay Rum.
FAMOUS QUOTATIONS
Lips that touch liquor shall never
touch mine — Sammy Zehrung.
The hand that rocks the cradle rules
the world— Pop Stanford.
SPOTS OF ALL SOTTS
We are expecting a lot from George
Day in Track this next Spring
because he can cover a lot of ground
with his feet.
EXTRA! GRUESOME ACCI-
DENT occuring at the College Barber
Shop. SICKENING DETAILS fol-
low:
Bishop, '15, had his hair cut close
to the Bone.
No wonder Boyer is a good fighter.
He was named Edward Everett Hale,
and his mother curled his hair until
he was 14. He had to fight.
CAPT. AIKEN'S SCHEDULE FOR
CROSS COUNTRY TEAM
Monday — ^Jog to North Amherst.
Tuesday — Come back.
Wednesday — Use Omega Oil.
Should automobiles be forgot and
never brought to mind.
Than thank the Lord that Henry Ford
has got the only kind.
Dear Miss Delia Dope:
Not long ago I met a very nice
and pretty girl at a masquerade
party. After every one had removed
their masks I asked one of my
friends to introduce me to her,
for I knew it was love at first sight
for both of us. After being intro-
duced we chatted for a while until
she asked me why I didn't remove
my mask now as nearly every one
else had. I had already removed it
and I told her so but she thought I
was fooling.
When she left that night she said,
"O would like you to call on me as
I am dying to see how you look
without that funny face on, you
old tease."
Now, what shall I do. I want to
call on her very much as I do not
think I could live unless I could see
her wonderful features once more.
My heart is yearning to see her again,
but what am I to do about the mask
she thinks I am wearing.
Awaiting a reply, I am,
O. Watta Mugg.
Adam said to Eve, "I'm going down to 'The'
Drugstore." Naturally he meant
ADAMS DRUG STORE
The public may be "going to the Dogs,"
but it's only to the
DOG CART
We believe in Low Tariff and the Full Dinner
Pail. For the Best Candies and Cookies
at the Lowest Price, see
THE GRANGE STORE
We are neutral, we don't care who licks the
Germans, so long as we have received
our latest line Parisian neckties.
The Hardave Co.
Lipshire and Worthley, '18, Agents
"Just the thing for Xmas "
To be in style doesn't require a fellow to be a
steel-cut fashion plate. But requires
good fitting clothes at a reasonable
price.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
Get the Berlin Restaurant habit. If it gets
you, the Doctor wont.
BERLIN RESTAURANT
This isn't a Provision Store, still we'll pro-
vide anything you care for
COLLEGE STORE
Jim Nasium will soon be sneaking around;
for your athletic outfit see
Taylor's Sporting Goods
Stiles '17 and Gillette '18, Agents
A Good Feed is more to be desired than
Great Riches, that's what you get at
RAHAR'S INN
A tight shoe is like a Bear Trap, you suffer
until you cake your foot out. For
sensible footwear, visit
PAGE'S SHOE STORE
In the field of good tailoring Hooper plays
riehc field.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
Mr. Ponce De Leon went looking for the
"Fountain of Youth," he never found
it because he never came to
Metcalf s Bowling Alley
A fellow said, "I'll see you tomorrow." He's
blind now. For Safety's Sake see
Barlow today for Insurance
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
A Photograph is a study in which you get
your marks at face value. Take a
course for Christmas at
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
"F. A. is my Shepard,
He's got what I want."
[Freshman Bible.]
F. A. SHEPARD
Success is the fruit of hard labor. But we sell
all other fruits.
Amherst Fruit Store
A quiet study of one of our best sellers will
bring you satisfaction and content.
Amherst Book Store
I wont force my arguments concerning the
European War on you with a razor.
Absolute Neutrality shown.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 1914
NO. 8
The Busy Bees —
Seek pleasure and delight,
Dart here and there in crazy flight
And flit from BUD to BUSH.
While The Busy Students —
Seek pleasure and delight,
Dart here and there in crazier flight
And flit from BUSCH to BUD.
'TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE
CHRISTMAS
One day Billy asked a soph who v/as
trying hard to pass.
To multiply the unknown X by a
known molecular mass.
The student's thoughts were of vaca-
tion — he should have known better.
For when he wrote X times mass he
left out the final letter.
So when Billy saw his paper he began
to fume and fuss.
For what the student wrote on the
paper was only Xmas.
The heavy artillery bowling team
of West Entry No. College has been
picked. The candidates met at Met's
and strung off a few strings. After
the firing ceased and Metcalf deter-
mined the damage to his alleys
and counted the number of dead pin
boys, the team was picked. Only a
few suffered injures, most of them
injuring their reputations. The fol-
lowing men were picked — Capt. Whorf
commonly known as "Clean-Up,"
"King- Pin" Grant whose cross fire
under hand bowling caused a sensation
(in his own opinion), "Strike" Masse
whose speedy ball caused Met to
put asbestos on the alley for fear
that the wood would get scorched,
"Duck" Moore the Beverly Bowling
team who even caused the nine pins
to stand up and take notice, and
"Spare" Rogers who broke the record
for busting the pins and supplied
Metcalf with enough kindling to
last him thru the year. Thru Mgr,
Patterson the team challenges a team
from any other entry or either dorm
for a match. Supply your own
makings. Uniformed teams preferred.
WHEN JUDGMENT DAY
ARRIVES
Scene — The Golden Gates.
Old Angel Gabriel on guard.
Alarums outside the gate,
A, G. — Who comes there?
1st applicant — A friend desiring
admittance.
A. G. — -Your name and address,
1st applicant — S. B, Haskell, F, O,
B. Amherst.
A. G. — It would be neither feasible
nor sound practice to let you in.
Move on and give the rest a chance.
2nd applicant — May I enter?
A. G. — Your name?
2nd applicant — Dr. Cance.
A. G. — What have you ever done
to v/arrant admission?
Doc. Cance — I have statistics over
a series of years showing —
A. G. — Pass right in Doc and make
yourself at home.
3rd applicant — Ahem, I would like
to pass thru these gates.
A. G. — ^Well, who are you?
3rd applicant — Dr. Clarence Gor-
don.
A. G. Nothing stirring. Doc.
Take the elevator, two doors to the
right. (Voice from the elevator,
"Going Down.")
"Every Knock a Boost'*
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . '. . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
4th applicant — Who runs this
bloomin' place anyhow?
A. G. — Who are you and what do
you want, young man?
4th applicant — Ernest Anderson is
my name and I want to get in.
A. G. — What have you ever done
on earth to expect such a privilege?
Doc Anderson — Why, I taught
Sty Farrar the application of the law
of Mass. action to the
A. G. — Sufficient, sufficient, come
right in, Ernest, I have a front seat
reserved for you.
5th applicant —
A. G. — Well look who's here, my
old friend Prof. Hart.
Prof — ^Woof, Greetings, Gabriel.
May I pass on to the celestial realm?
A. G. — By all means Prof. Go as
far as you like.
6th applicant, limping up to the
gates with the help of his crutches.
The Angel Gabriel advanced with out-
stretched hand to greet him. "Put
that hand down," roared the Bloke.
A. G. (meekly) — Yes, sir.
Bloke — Show methe most comfort-
able place in Heaven.
A. G. — Yes, sir. Anything else, sir?
Bloke — Where do you keep your
cigars?
Lastly Smith came tripping lightly
up to the gate saying, "Oh, please
may I come in, I think it is perfectly
delightful up here.
A. G. — Go around to the ladies'
entrance.
Just then the whistle blew and old
Gabriel locked the gates for the night.
HALL OF SHAME
Bill Hatfield has been having
trouble with his eyes. He gets them
fixed on a certain point and then he
can't move them. This is particularly
true when Bill focuses his optics in
the direction of the girls' tables.
The doctor prescribed an alarm clock
to bring him out of his trance.
Did you know that Fritz Hyde's
mustache is genuine horse-hair?
Nobody home but the War Cry,
and that comes out Friday.
Hungry Mars, preaching to the Boy
Scouts of Walpole while at home last
week : "Little boys, save your pennies
and when you come to college you
can buy cigarettes for me with them."
The Dean and the Registrar are
the colleges best supporters — a' good
pair of suspenders. (It will sink in
in time) .
No matter how long you linger, they
will nail you in the end. Takem and
Boxem, Undertakers Adv.
Wanted by the East Entry Co-
operation Association — A strong vig-
orous muscular washerwoman to do
light house work Saturday mornings.
Must be capable of moving radiators,
pianos, etc. If a washerwoman is
unobtainable the Springfield Street
Cleaning Dept. will do.
Now that Lincoln Bain Scott,
M. A. C. ex-'15, at present of the
University of Illinois faculty, has
returned home after a visit here
West Entry No. College is in fine
condition for repairs.
'Tis an ill wind that blows more
than the Jinx, '16.
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
ITALIAN OPERA— In Two Scenes
DRAMATIC PERSONAE
Diki Raha_ -Italian nobleman and
proprietor of le Hampanio Inn.
Nona Licentio_ -Candidate for ruler
of city and enemy of Raha.
Alco Holiclikor__Only support of
Raha.
Gin Riki__ Faithful servant to Raha.
Scene — Raha's Inn. Green river
near by. Gin Riki standing near
holding a Horse's Neck.
Diki (Cursing under his breath) —
Olio butta nabisco, anchovi cristofo
columbo il dago. It iza heluva note!
Gin Riki (Emptying 4 glasses of
wine, count 'em Y Y Y Y) — Diki mia,
Wutsa troubla?
Diki (Looking out into the dark
night with the stars above like this
.■c**********) — J jnusta lookouta for
Non Licentio, Lu docstada nigga
singer.
Gin R. (Already beginning to see
snakes such as SSS SS S) — Piano
solo, Diki, wut isit the matta?
Diki (Handling his v/ife's ear rings
?????? which he may have to take to
the pawn shop O O O in case of
necessity) — Ohio, nu jerzi alabama
nevada. Nono Licentio heewilla maik
grande tri to exile Alco Holiclikor
froma le citi, goshalmiti!
Gin R. (Making a dash — across +
the room) — Cremo Fi' cento cheap
smokala, Nevair or Igo too.
Diki (Thinking of the money that
might be in some one else's pocket
instead of his own $$$$$$$$)— Wee
mustanot leta Nona win, fortha juli
septemba.
Gin R. (Adjusting his glasses 0-0
not his Y Y Y Y) — I weela tempta
Voterinos soasto disposa ofhim,
Diki (Looking sharply about) —
Chop sui, mia cheri Riki, gotuit
oldboi.
Gin R. (Going on the scent) — Tet-
razzini cavalHri caruso, revenge!
(Curtain) .
Scene H — Same. Time — May 1st.
Alco Holiclikor leaving with Gin
Riki, Tom Collins, King Wm. Scotch,
and others. Diki in tears.
Alco — Aufwiedersehen, mia, Diki,
afta mani yeers musta weepart.
Diki — Verdammta hund Nona
Licentio, he isa wun hunkocheese.
But macaroni vermecilla spaghetti
waita le yeer nexta.
Alco — Yoobetyorlife, nexta teim I
cum bak.
Diki— Quinci sorethrota, lama un-
happi.
Alco — Cheerup, onli wunyeer.
Dontbee unhappi, Diki daffi crazi.
Dik, — lama unhappi not for me
onli, Fordautomobile san franciso!
Alco — Forhoo U feela sad?
Diki — For 1' Aggie boys from Am-
herstineo. Zai will perish from thirst.
Tears,,!!
Curtain
Grand exit march,
("How dry I am")
The Lulu Bird Says: —
The fellow who picked up a fumble
and ran towards his own goal didn't
have any cigars named after him.
The pictures of the Tufts game
caused numerous letters to be written
to Capt. "Giggie" Melican. All were
marriage proposals.
Among the ball players that are
still holding out and have not signed
their contracts for next spring are
Ed. King and George Palmer. Ed.
is holding out until the Dean will
allow him 90 per cent of his cuts
instead of the customary 10 per cent
while George wont sign unless the
team plays an exhibition game with
Brookline High.
WE'LL PUT UP ANYTHING— IF YOU
WILL PUT IT DOWN
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Our dogs were never known to have had
hydrophobia.
HUND KART
TIME OUT!
You want to take time enough to buy your
jewelry here for Christmas before going
home.
E. E. MILLETT
We can't stop to sit beside the Cracker
Barrel and discuss the War — but if you
want the goods for a spread in your
room some night, call on
THE GRANGE STORE
Some people go over to Hamp for glasses (??)
But you ought to be temperate and wise
by seeing
S. S. HYDE— Jeweler
We serve a special Combination Breakfast
from 6 to 10 every morn and it can't be
beat. There's no place like home,
and the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
SPECIAL THIS WEEK!
We will give away a ten cent box of chocolates
for ten cents
COLLEGE STORE
Our Gymnasium Suits are reinforced in the
seams.
"There's a Reason."
Taylor's Sporting Goods
GILLETTE, '18, Agent
Matrimony is the tie that binds.
But our "ties" are bound to "suit."
Nuf Ced.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
A carpenter carries a foot rule but our foot
rule is comfort, neatness, and economy.
For your own sake visit
PAGE'S SHOE STORE
"It's a Long Way to Tipperary"
But it's a short way to Scottie's and the only
way to have your pressing done
Hooper — ^The Red Light Shop
You can win your M. B. T. by visiting Mets ;
If you can't bowl, play pool, '
If you can't do either, learn both at >
Metcalf's
\
I am situated over the Amherst bank so as
to be "over-safe." You can be "like- J
wise" by calling on me \
Barlow, over fne Amherst Bank
After eating at the Copley Plaza for a week,
Rockefeller took a week's rest of pleasure
and good eating at
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
Whether or not your room-mate's shirts and
collars fit you, you ought to know that
I carry a "swell" line of gent's
furnishing
F. A, SHEPARD
You can't get m.uch in the M. A. C orchard
now, but you can get the best of fruit
here
Amherst Fruit Store
I can't raise hair on you if you are bald, but
I can take them off before you look like
Rip Van Winkle
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
Don't hesitate; this is not a Rogues' Gallery,
but the one best bet for a genuine pho-
tograph that don't lie
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
J
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
Vol. I No. 9
see 45/00/F7
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, JANUARY 8, 1915
NO. 10
THE WAR CRY'S SONG
We're coming, we're coining,
A brave little band.
On the right side of temperance,
We'll sure take our stand.
We don't use tobacco.
And we know what we think,
That those who do use it.
Most usually drink.
FORCAST FOR THE YEAR 1915
January — ^This month will be cold.
Students will remain in rooms at
nights, especially toward the latter
part of month. A select crowd will
leave college because of the fact
that they never did like M. A. C.
anyhow. There will be skating every
day except on days on which hockey
games are scheduled, when water
polo will be in vogue.
February — A score or more of
Juniors with a few from other classes
will don undertakers' suits. These
suits are worn with the air of being
used to it. Some of course are used
to them, such as those who worked
in fashionable summer hotels. Many
of the folks at home will receive word
from their sons that the price of
renting a seat in Sunday chapel has
gone up, and that every one in college
has been taxed $16.13 to help the
Belgium sufferers, etc. The real
sufferers will be seen leaving the
drill-hall at 5 a. m. There will be
many 8c meals bought at the
lunch counter.
We predict that Springfield will
be beaten in hockey.
March — This will be the third
month in the year in every city in
Massachusetts, including East Lever-
ett. There will be much scrimmaging
between the first and second string
Musical Clubs, so as to get in to shape
for the Spring trip. The trouble in
former years has been that the Musical
team has not been accustomed to
the strange air currents on other
stages than the chapel stage. This
fault will be corrected by having
the practice held in the tower of
South followed by a snappy gargle.
Farmer's week will attract many
good sailors, club-men, taxi-drivers,
etc., from various parts. These
men will be of great use to our
athletic teams.
April — Brooks wall have completed
his course in engineering, for the last
trip home will have been completed.
Of course "Pigeon-toe" may try to
sell the freshmen their tickets for
banquet season.
Another tree will make its ap-
pearance on the campus. It m.ay be
grafted or it may be budded, but it is
safe to say that it wont be left
un-irrigated.
As there are very few college-days
in this month, Buell will have less
days to sleep over the first hour.
May — Banquet rules will be as
follows: The two classes will indulge
in a game of tag. The bounds shall
be between the Drill-Hall and North
College. Participants shall not con-
ceal themselves in any building and
vociferous yelling, or uncalled-for
forceful tagging will not be tolerated.
The Freshman president must not
wear corduroys and must carry a
trig book under his arm so as to aid
the Sophs in identifying him.
In order to get a larger class of
**Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry . . . .
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
Co-eds, High School Day will be
given over entirely to girl visitors
on the campus.
Baseball team will be continuing
to win games. Plaisted will be struck
with a pitched ball on the right
elbow and will limp to first rubbing
his left eye.
June — ^See January. Substitute
word "warm" for "cold" and word
"first" for "latter" part of month.
There wont be any skating but there
will be some slipping on the part of
some in the finals.
Grand Bull Fight at Pratt Field.
Nuf 'Ced.
There will be a Sophomore-Senior
Hop with the accent on the hop.
Commencement will mean some-
thing to ' 15. It will be the commence-
ment of job-hunting time. Seniors
will bury hatchet with '16, and they
will also bury their sorrow at parting
with one another at the Senior
Banquet.
July — Summer School will help
to entertain a few who can't get away
from the old place. '15 still looking
for jobs. Tarr wins prize for first
'15 baby. (Maybe).
August — Curran orders football
men to start practice. Training
confined chiefly to Fatimas and early
hours for retiring (2 a. m. is early
enough). Some '15 men still looking
for jobs. Summer school will end and
many hearts broken. i
September — College will open this
month unless the trustees decide to
open the college year in August
instead. There will be no Freshman
Parade. There was none in the fall
of 1914, so 1917 will see that there
will be none in 1915. The annual
"60 man pull" across the pond will
be held at night so the Freshmen may
overcome their bashfulness before
going thru the pond. Some aren't
used to the encouragement from the
town girls and hence, attempt to gain
sympathy or else show their bravery
by crossing the water.
Some '15 men will be seen around
college — still looking for a job.
October — Cambridge will wake up
to the fact that there is something
the matter with the Harvard football
schedule. "The 'ard matches are
supposed to come at the end of the
schedule, you know old chap."
The old grads (including '15) will
be there to see ye old Aggie team give
the Crimson a surprise.
The Dean's Board will be as in-
teresting as the list of "missing"
over in Europe. There will prob-
ably be some Freshmen and Sopho-
mores on the list.
November — A new Ted Lewis
Club will be formed which will try
to equal the good work of the former
officers of the Club.
Chesley will be as popular as the
food he hands out. "Tell us what
you eat and we will tell you what you
are."
There will be lots of weather this
month. Hank will not be present
but "Tich" will have the calendars
just the same.
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
Springfield will be put away — on
the new athletic field (?).
December — Look out for an epi-
demic of Hydrophobia in North and
South Dorms, This is characterized
by the affected persons starting a
general uprising, things being thrown
around, doors taken off of the hinges,
radiators thrown out of the windows,
windows smashed, et cetera. A
slight (?) attack of this dreaded
disease was known to have broken
out in Dec. 1914,
Christmas, coming this year on
the 25th, will probably be spent at
home. Before leaving, friends will
shake hands and say : "Merry Christ-
mas, old top. Will see you on the
special going back," etc.
HALL OF SHAME
We place ourselves at the head of
this column this week, after thinking
over the issue we handed out for the
Xmas number. Some one informed
us that the cartoons were rotten.
Well, that's where the funny part came
in.
Charlie Huntington got a box of
Page and Shaw's for Christmas for
some one else. Eureka, Charles!
Spaulding, '18, received the iron
cross for being the fastest knitter
in South Hingham.
"Cupid" Warren will never enter
the ring. Every time he swings the
floor comes up and hits him. Crutches
weren't built for fast men, were they
Harold?
Resolution No. 801 — "I am thru
with all forms of tobacco except the
makings, Fatimas and Sunday night
cigars. You couldn't tempt me with a
cubeb." Signed: J. S. Pike, Jr.
ALUMNI NOTES
After completing the season with
the B. A. A, Hockey team, Det
Jones and Jack Hutch', '14 are going
into the ice business together, just
to keep in practice.
Dick Powers, founder of the Pro-
hibition Club while in college, is
trying to get Dicky Rahar to join the
Salvation Army with him.
We haven't learned yet whether
or not Macone, '13, has followed
Big Sam's example.
"Doc." Fay, '13, has been missing
from his home. It is reported he
got lost while pruning in the forests
of Monson.
A SPEECH "BILLY" NEVER
MAKES
Now, I have had you remain so
that I could give you these registra-
tion cards, not that they are any use
to me, but I want to have something
from all of you to remember you by in
future years. Now you can take your
time about filling these out. There's
no hurry, but just please try and have
them ready for me before the end of the
year. If you are repeating anything,
leave it out unless you want to put
it on the bottom of the card as a
reminder that you have something
to repeat. I am always pleased
with the promptness with which
you fellows get these cards filled
out. If any of you have any objec-
tions to filling out your registration
card, why just throw it away. That's
all. Thank you.
I will be on the Aggie Special Monday night,
with a complete and new line of College and
Fraternity Pennants, Banners and Pillows.
G. N. ABDIAN
Where PARAMOUNT pictures are shown
PLAZA
Tell Shorty your troubles and he will
fix you up 0. K.
Northampton
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Dissatisfaction is unknown by our patrons.
Come over with the bunch after finals and
enjoy yourself.
Hoot Mon
Scottie is the man to press your clothes
RAHAR'S INN
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
Short-Course Men Take Notice
Eat at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
and feel satisfied
No questions asked as to where you go
your money — $10 buys a good sweater.
Taylor & Co.
STILES, '17, GILLEl TE, '18, Agents
THE KINGSBURY BOX & PRINTING CO.
Northampton
Official Alleys of the Aggie Bowling Team
Practise daily
METCAI.F'S BOWLING ALLEY
Choice Bon Bons is our middle name
vided for their wives and children by Insuring
with me. A word to the wise —
THE GRANGE STORE
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
We sell Everything, credit extended to some.
Head to Foot Outfitter
COLLEGE STORE
(No matter how tall you may be)
F. A. SHEPARD
"A Pipe, a Book, a Fire, a Friend ..."
We have the Books
The College Tonsorial Artist pleases the
most fastidious.
Amherst Book Store
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
The Correct Clothes at the Correct Prices.
If you entertain the slightest doubt as to
the veracity of this statement, Come in.
Bring in your films for developing and
printing. Promt and efficient work done at
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WA
VOL. I
FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 1915
NO. 11
ANNOUNCEMENT
Starting with the first of February,
1915, competition will start for the
War Cry board for next year. Many
fellows have asked us who would run
the paper after this year and some
have informed us that they were
going to be our successors. This
latter statement was a surprise to
us because we had already decided
to run some sort of competition
for it. Therefore, we wish to announce
that any one may pass in editorials,
cartoons, adds of any of the adver-
tisers on our paper and hand in same
to box No. 40 North College, addressed
to War Cry. The best of these writ-
ings and drawings will go to determine
the various ofificers for next year
and in order to avoid any criticism
as to favoritism, etc. we will publish
the same with the writer's name.
Every thing will be on the square
and any members of the three lower
classes will be eligible.
PUT THIS ON YOUR SCHEDULE
FOR NEXT SEMESTER
Under the direction of the Elite
Table Society, consisting of such
social favorites as the members of
Messrs. Hall's, MeUcan's, and a few
other tables, a course entitled "Eti-
quette of the Dining Room" or "Don't
throw while the Head Waiter's Look-
ing," will be offered. This course is
recommended to those who intend
to enter society and those who wish
to study some of the problems
affecting the advance price of board
at the Hash-House and the present
lack of rebate. It deals with self-
control, the art of dodging, leader-
ship and target practice. Oppor-
tunity will be given to make use of
the latent ability of spilling the soup
on the table-cloth, gargling, breaking
soft boiled eggs on the cash register,
etc. Open to all ; Prerequisite Course
I in Home Economics and Course
HI in Feeds and other things I have
Eaten. Discredit — 3.
BLUE BOOK FOR THE TOWN OF
AMHERST AND VICINITY
Fire Alarm-
4 Bells-
7 Bells-
17 Bells-
12 Bells-
3 Bells-
310 Bells-
22 Bells-
Fire on East St. (Lei
it blaze).
Fire at will.
Wake up Melvin Graves.
Dinner time.
Practice. (False alarm) .
Fire the town cop.
(Tom Dillon's death
knell last year).
Riot call. (Class scraps,
etc).
**Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . • Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
^'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
Post Office — Stamps on sale from
10 A. M. to 8 P. M. All prices, all
flavors, licked or unlicked. Prices
reasonable.
Mail arrives (for particulars see
B. & M. time table).
Mail delivered, to town residences,
when the fast-mail (Sleepy Moses)
gets around. F. A. Anderson will
deliver mail to Agricultural College
when his bicycle allows him to.
All correspondence strictly con-
fidential, excepting postals.
Railroad Stations — ^B. & M. sta-
tion, two tracks. Trains running
both ways. On time by mistake.
A beautiful 4 hour ride which is an
hour and a quarter longer than any
other R. R. in the country offers for
the same price.
C. V. station. Also two tracks.
Trains run anyway except the right
way. Recommended especially for
people suffering with nervous trouble.
A quiet, restful week spent in one
afternoon's ride to Palmer.
Churches — The town offers a large
assortment of churches of all denom-
inations, all of them largely supported
by the students. Two college chapels '
used as a People's Palace, for fatigued ;
and deserving students. ;
Summer Resorts — Beautiful East 1
I
St.-by-the-Sea. Rates reasonable. |
Fresh, salt, pickled or sewage water. \
Mt. Toby, Sugar-Loaf, etc. Moun-
tain air. Gets the last stifling fumes 1
from the college chem. labs. A good j
sanitorium for botanists. \
Brooks Farm — Fresh cream, eggs, ■
and vegetables sent direct from the ;
town stores. - ;
Wildwood — No automobiles .
allowed. '>
\
i
Schools and Colleges — Kindergar- I
ten , grammar schools, and high schools, '
Herrick School. For all sorts and all '
ages. Epidemics an annual event. \
Colleges speak for themselves. Both !
have a complete line of books, lab. ;
fees, professors and otherwise. De- ■
grees — B. A., B. Sc, M. Sc. Fahren- ■
heit and Centigrade. :
Police Dep't — He's one of the best ;
in the town. ]
Secret Service^Plain clothes man. !
Fully equipped with badge and you ;
ought to see him take tickets at the ;
movies. 1
■I
i
Street Cleaning Dep't — Business j
picking up. j
Business Houses— See WAR CRY ;
advertisers. !
Population — Last census (1880) j
shows gain over previous census, j
including Stanford, Pease and Taber. !
^
'Every Blow Above the Belt"
THE HALL OF SHAME
Why is it —
"Dutch" Schlotterback ordered a
sweater from Prof. Hicks with the
following dimensions : Bust, 36 ; Waist
3-4th the length of his own arm ; nar-
row sleeves and all wool?
That Ricker passed out "Flor de
Punke" cigars?
Fat Warren don't run for a car?
A mustache Kid Gere wears?
What the College Store is "Always
Open?"
Your registration card is not yet
filled out?
On account of the high cost of
living caused by the present war, it
was impossible for the people of
Greater New York, in those sections
where the Roister Doisters played
to throw egg-fruit, soft apples, or
green roses howsoever much they
may have wished to have done so.
Cruel War!
Two one-act dramas presented on
the trip.
"Nobody Home"
Scene — Stage, before rehearsal in
Jamaica.
Principles — Sack Clark and Buck-
man.
Clark — Say, Buck, what's to be
the middle of the stage tonight?
Hasty exit for Buckman.
Curtain.
"Somebody home, but not so
you'd notice it"
Scene — Sitting room in a home in
Paterson, N. J.
Time — Morning after the night
before.
Principals — E. R. Selkregg and a
maiden lady, his hostess.
Curtain rises.
Selkregg twirling his thum.bs non-
chalantly and dreaming of "Miss
Cutup" whom he had danced with
the night before.
The hostess busily engaged knitting
and talking to Selkregg like the
Sphinx does when somebody asks it
how it is. Ain't it?
Selkregg (smiling) — Everybody is
knitting for the Belgians these days.
Aren't they?
Maiden Lady — Oh yes, yes, yes,
to be sure. But I'm knitting for a
scawf. Really, I am.
S. (getting the drift, as usual,
wrong) — Oh so you're knitting for
the Scotch, well you're the first
person I've met who was knitting for
th^-
M. L. (interrupting) — Oh, ne-o, ne-
o, I'm knitting for a Scawf.
S. — Oh, yes, I see, you're knittiDg
a scarf.
Congealed water looks, Sphinx
appears.
Quick curtain.
Patronize the War Cry advertisers
When you're in you're out if you are not in
RAHAR'S INN
The place that will make you think life worth
living
Where PARAMOUNT pictures are shown
PLAZA
Northampton
SHORT HORNS, ATTENTION!
Ask any one what the best medicine for that
funny feeling is, and they will tell you
"A good feed" at
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular dinners and suppers, special breakfasts
Get hep to our line of Candy and Cookies
THE GRANGE STORE
The College Man's Lunch — Nuf Ced
Columbia Cafe
THE KIN6SBDRY BOX S PRiNIiNG CO.
Northampton
Home made Candy and Ice Cream
College Candy Kitchen
15^ Pleasant Street
We have all kinds of papers except cigarette
papers, all pens except pig-pens and all books
except bank books.
Amherst Book Store
Don't you wish that your friends had
bought those Christmas ties and other pres-
ents here. Why not wear the kind of cloth-
ing they wont kid you about.
You've probably broken most of your New
Year's resolutions by this time, except that
resolution to get your smokes, drugs and
accessories at
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Whether 'Hamp is wet or dry we do dry
cleansing.
Everything from a shoe-string to a suit dyed
Bay State Dye House
15 Masonic Street Northampton
If this was summer Scottie would recom-
mend kilts, but for this time of the year
he advises you to-try keeping your old clothes
new by letting him repair and press them.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
A misprint in our last add might have made
you think that you could not buy a sweater
from us at less than .'810. We have them from
$3.50 up.
TAYLOR & CO.
Stiles, '17; Gillette, '18, Agents
Get into condition before and lose that
grouchy appearance after finals at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEY
You had better get insured before you
catch the Foot-and-Mouth disease. A man
that is insured has some consolation after
a calamity.
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
We are not robbers. We will take your money j
but we give you something worth while ;
in return '
F. A. SHEPARD ]
. j
Just because it's cold weather don't mean •]
that you have to let the hair grow on your '
head and face. See me before you lose your ■-;
reputation. i-
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP I
Meet the Camera Face to Face
If you expect to get flunked out give your
friends something to remember you by.
If you are expecting to get by have a picture
taken of yourself to give to your departing
friends.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON WEBSTER^S STUDIO
In answ«ring advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, JANUARY 22, 1915
NO. 12
AN APOLOGY
We wish to apologize with much
regret for the seemingly carelessness
and disrespect shown by printing the
name of the late Mr. Pease in our
last number. At the time that we
sent our copy to press we did not
know of the death of this man and
we did not have time to read the
proofs. This fact must have been
understood by most of our readers,
but there are probably some who did
not take this into account.
SUNDAY CHAPEL SPEAKERS
(For the rest of the year)
On account of a number of speakers
. cancelling their engagements to speak
at Sunday Chapel the following men
have been obtained in their places:
Rev. Harry Lauder
Dr. Jack Johnson
Rabbi Maranville
Mr. Harry Thaw
Prof. Jesse Pomeroy
Mr. Samuel Langford
Sir Vernon Castle
Our noted weather forecaster, R.
E. McLain, wishes to explain the
system of determining the weather
by the flags he raises.
A white flag means that the weather
will be fair. By "fair" is meant
anything from a fairly large sized
snow storm to a volcanic eruption.
A white flag with a blue pennant
above and a black pennant below in
which the middle flag has a black cross
in the left hand corner, and the
lowest flag is turned with the outside
towards the direction in which the
wind is blowing, and the flag above
the others flutters in the wind now
and then means that there will be
rainy weather the day after tomorrow,
unless there should be a slight flurry
of snow or a day of cloudiness, and the
temperature in this case will be much
warmer when the thermometer reads
higher than when the weather was
colder in which case the day will be
cool and rainier, no, rain and coolier,
that is — rainy and more cool than
what you could expect when you left
your raincoat at home and your
rubbers, etc.
Simple isn't it?
The West Entry Bowling Team
vanquished their opponents the Middle
Entry and Tower Team of South
College at Mets by the score of 1213
to 1 183. The winners are still looking
for challenges. Moore again starred
for W. Entry and Melican for the
losers.
By the way, "Duke" Wellington
challenges "Jake" Lewis to a game of
Hyde and Seek down at the Arena;
six laps and winner take all.
Breathes there a girl with hair so red
Who never to herself has said.
This is my own — but I wish it wasn't.
MOVIES MAKES MEN
A cry for help from the waters dark,
The youth hears it in the park.
He tears off his overcoat and shoes
For he knows he has no time to lose.
But he did not save the man I know,
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero.
"Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
He tore off his coat because he has ter
In order to be able to run away faster.
But lo! There on the track a small
child stands
And the train not far from its out-
stretched hands.
But he did not save the child I know
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero.
But it was not heroism our hero lacked
For he bought a Carnegie medal for
his act.
He continued to do good the very next
day
When he saw a robber beat a cop
where he lay.
In the fight the youth did not receive
a blow
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero.
The youth entered college in the fall,
And ye gods! how he played football.
In the big game of the year he played
You should have seen the run he made.
Well, he did not save the game I know
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero.
The run he made was towards his
goal,
His fame was so great he had to leave
school.
His family now on him relying
From want of food were slowly dying.
(One hour and 7 min. to change
the reels)
But he did not save his family I know
For he was a "real" not a "reel" hero.
The youth looked for a job all thru I
the year, I
Until he was stripped to his very last !
beer, :
Then at last he worked as a movie '
actor,
And played the part as leading factor. ]
Well, he saved everyone you know '
For he was not a "real" but a "reel" i
hero. ■
ADVICE USUALLY GIVEN TO A :
FRESHMAN BEFORE EXAMS
Start in early to prepare for your ]
exams. Stay in nights but give up
enough nights to pleasure so that j
you won't get stale. Don't cram the ;
night before but get everything in )
to your noodle at the last minute ;
and whatever you do, don't prepare '
a crib unless it is absolutely necessary |
in which case don't use it,because that's
very dishonest. If you decide to use
a crib, get up something original, ^
so that after finals you can tell J
your friends how clever you were in 1
fooling them. If you should get i
caught with it, be sure and tell the
Prof, that you had no intention of i
using it — that it is not a crib but a ]
paper with some notes on it and you j
had just taken it out of your pocket to i
see if you had taken it with you by <
mistake. A Prof, will always believe \
a story like that. If you get stuck i
out, write home and tell the folks that |
the trustees have advised you to stay ■
out of college a year and get a little
practical knowledge. I
_ i
"Phi Onyu Phi" — The Honorary j
fraternity 90 percent, of the class will '
make.
'Every Blow Above the Belt'
Absence makes the marks grow
rounder.
A little cribbing now and then is
relished by the best of men.
SOME THINGS PREXY
OMITTED IN THE BUDGET
Appropriation for a regular chef.
$25,000 for High School Day.
$105.16 for a couple of new Rural
Soc. profs.
15 cents for a shave for Potter, '15.
$200 for a Rathskeller in the base-
ment of South.
for the Chorus-Girls Course.
The Looloo Birds Says:
A howling cat often has his larynx
oiled up with a brick. Moral — Don't
tell everybody everything you know,
save it all for exams.
Bob Frost the Laundry Agent, says
that there has been an avalanche of
the old style white cuffs received.
As the Kaiser would say: — "In times
of peace prepare for war."
There will be no Way- Cry the week
of Mid-Year Exams. Another Eight
Page Copy the week after.
Fitzgerald is not on speaking terms
with the rest of us. He mistook his
tongue for a chew of gum, with very
disastrous results.
Now is the time when a certain
few of the sophomore class think of
electing Physics for a major.
From a Boston Newspaper
Aggie Win from West Point 7 to 1
Yesterday the Amherst Aggies de-
feated the West Point hockey team
7 to 1 in a game in which the Massa-
chusetts micn showed themselves supe-
rior in every department of the game.
Massachusetts State could score at
will, but after securing five goals,
M. A. C. slowed down and was
content with two more goals, com-
ing in the latter part of the game.
The Amherst A. C. showed lots of
team work and the Army showed a
lack of practice. Ross started the
scoring for the "Farmers" and Fernald
and Johnson added two more in
very quick order. Archibald, Wool-
ley and Chisholm did their part in
the scoring for Amherst. Butterick
the star goal tender of the Massa-
chusetts Aggies, did not have much
to do. Amherst State College seven
now returns to college after a fairly
successful series of games in which
the Maroon and White won two out
of four games.
Do you notice that they call us
everything from Amherst Aggies to
the "Farmers?" Something for the
Press and Repair Club.
There may be some who're glad.
And there may be some who're sad.
When Exams loom before them
Gray and Cold.
And the glad one always is thus,
While his marks are over B-|-
For the things to be have made him
Feel so Bold.
But the sad will always worry
And he always feels sorry
For the things to be have made him
Lose his Hold.
Now Exams will soon be here,
So let us never fear,
For the glad in heart shall have the
Victor's Luck.
So Grit your teeth and smile.
Then Exams will be worth while.
For it only takes a small amount
Of Pluck.
So put Sadness out of sight.
Let gladness win your fight.
And we wish you all the very
Best of Luck.
After Exams come over to 'Hamp and get
on the outside of a good feed. You don't
know how good you will feel.
RAHAR'S INN
Don't get Brain Fever from studying,
enjoy yourself with the Paramount Pictures.
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
Whoever heard of anyone doing their best
on an empty stomach? Put in a stock of
nutrition here before Exams.
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular dinners and suppers, special breakfasts
The chafing dishes will be working overtime
next week, get all incidentals and supplies
now at
THE GRANGE STORE
A man with an empty stomach is like
Mexico. Internal dissention. Let Eddie
relieve j'our troubles.
Columbia Cafe
THE KINGSBURY BOX i PRINTING CO.
Northampton
Real home-made candy with the taste that
says "Some More," and Ice Cream that
can't be beaten.
College Candy Kitchen
15^ Pleasant Street
"Reading maketh a full man." Get in
line for the Best Fiction and Reading Matter
possible. We'll sell any book you want.
Amherst Book Store
The Irishman that bought a green hat
for red hair didn't know what harmony was.
If he had come here we'd have instructed
him in the rudiments of harmony and taste.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
The Exam in Smokes, Drug Supplies, etc., J
will be given every day next week. No one I
excused from this exam. At regular hours ''
and to be held at
ADAMS DRUG STORE
If there is anything that you want dyed
or cleaned in the Best Manner and with the
Best Methods than you must go to the
Bay State Dye House
15 Masonic Street Northampton
In the midst of your pleasant (?) dreams
next week don't forget that Scottie is still
waiting for you with a hot-iron. That is —
your suit.
Hooper
The Red Light Shop
The line of least resistance is the Best i
Sporting Goods at the Best Prices for you. !
Come around and see our goods. !
TAYLOR & CO.
Stiles, '17, Gillette, '18, Agents ;
The Best Place to enjoy an evening in
Amherst is v/here you have the Best time. ]
That's at |
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEY I
It is better to be safe than to be sorry.
Look forward and realize what Insurance
means to you. A word to the wise.
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
The Best appearing man is always the one
with the neatest clothes and apparel. How
close do you come to being the man?
F. A, SHEPARD
Don't be a "Belgian Sufferer" by getting
a hair-cut or shave down town. Be neutral
and trade at home.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
Why waste time and money by having \
some poor pictures taken in 'Hamp. The ;
Best Studio and the Best Work is to be found i
at j
WEBSTER'S STUDIO '
In answ«ring advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 1915
NO. 13
Yellow Journal Number
£ot^E OT TH£ LE-TTe^S MA'LED TH/S WEEK-
From Boston Americal. — Jan. 30, 1915
Conditions Terrible at Aggie
for those poor cusses who were stuck in anything
PROFESSORS FIGHT
to raise marks up to the passing grade
COLLEGE EXERCISES STOPPED
for Exam, week
COMMISSION FROM STATE-HOUSE
AT AMHERST
examining the buildings and the grounds
'* Every Knock a Boost'
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
. . Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
It has come to light that a good
many students (?) at the Mass.
Agri. College have received condi-
tions in some of their studies. The
college exercises were closed for the
week in order that the regular mid-
year examinations might be held.
The regular classes will start with the
second semester. The professors in
many instances had to stretch their
imaginations and do some wide figur-
ing to make some of the marks
resemble 60 or better. The com-
mittee on Agriculture has been visit-
ing the college to ascertain the needs
of the college in the coming budget.
YELLOW JOURNALISM
Murder on the Campus
Murderer Still At Large
Conscious stricken, a member of
the college confessed to one of the
worst crimes ever committed. The
dastardly deed, coldly carried out, in
broad daylight, was enough to make
the bravest of strong-nerved people
collapse or else suffer from frost-bites
due to the shivers the story would
send along their spinal columns.
The murderer gloated over the
fact that he had killed his victim,
even laughing over it. Late the night
before he laid out his plans, and,
arising early in the morning, prepared
more fully for the awful deed. He
went to the scene where the terrible
murder was to take place, somewhat
doubtful as to whether his plans
would work all right.
Coming from the scene of the crime,
the culprit felt quite downcast, not
because he felt in the least bit sorry
for his sin or any pity for his victim,
but because he feared he had erred
and had not accomplished his mis-
demeanor.
Yet, he must have been conscious-
stricken for he was heard to murmur,
"Yes, it was wrong. Dead wrong.
Why didn't I think?"
Meeting a pal of his he said, "I
am in an awful fix. I dare not to
tell my mother, but she will know in
time."
"What have you done?" inquired
his pal.
"Put down 48 for the answer to that
last question in Physics and I meant
to put down 84."
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
Sophomores and Seniors will be having
their class pictures taken soon, why not be
entirely satisfied and have them taken at
Our first consignment of early Spring
Styles in all goods has been received. Drop
in and we will be pleased to show you our
line.
F. A. SHEPARD
The only jeweler around these diggings
is the one that does the best work
Phelps & Gare
WEBSTER'S STUDIO 112 Main St. Northampton
J
"Every Blow Above the Belt'
"48 was the right answer, you bone."
Then the murderer gloated, "I have
killed it then. I hit it right on the
head."
Visitor — "Is this the violent ward?"
Nurse — "Yes sir, these poor fellows
are from the Agricultural college over
in Amherst."
Visitor — "How unfortunate. What
happened to them? Is there an
epidemic of rabies over there?"
Nurse — "I do not know exactly,
except that they were sent here in
a truck after they had completed
their exams."
Visitor (to first patient) — "Well,
my good fellow, how are you feeling
this morning?"
Patient No. 1 — "Zounds, my lord,
I feel like a mark of 58 — a little under
the weather."
Visitor — "What is your name,
please?"
Patient No. 1 — "Ho, ho, I am Sir
Paramoecium Lumbricus Terrestrus.
Ha, ha what is that I see before me?
It is the internal organs of a tape-
worm. But, stop.: What more.
Don't you see I am tracing the
arterial blood flow of an amoeba from
the right ear to the second floor
of the Flat-Iron Building."
Visitor (to nurse) — "Let us go
further. Look, two of those inmates
are fighting with each other."
Nurse — "Oh, that's nothing. The
one on the ground keeps saying that
he's a subsoil of some sort and the
fellow jumping on him yells that he's
a sulky plow and is trying to dig him
up.';_
Visitor — "And what is this little
fellow trying to do, crawling on his
hands and knees and looking for
something of rather great import-
ance?"
Nurse — "That is a freshman. He
imagines he is a great detective look-
ing for the unknown X which is
absent, he says, from the equation.
He insists that he will find it pro-
vided no one has replaced it with
A square."
Visitor — "I must speak to this
young man. Good morning, young
fellow."
Patient No, 2— "Sir, how dare you,
a lowly lepidoptera, address me. I
am an Ox warble, with a voice sweeter
than the fog-horn sounds that Nichol-
son brings forth from that hand organ
in chapel. Say, I wouldst fain con-
verse with thee in Greek. Oh, coleop-
tera diptera, Euelexoptera blattidae
ichneuman, nicht war?"
Visitor (to patient coming towards
him) — "Sir, you look wildly excited.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
Patient No. 3 — "Yes, I wish you'd
make those 250 Agronomy questions
stop chasing me around. They've
been following me around all day and
I'm tired of answering them. Do
you think a good mulch in a dirty
soil would have a cleansing effect
on the evaporation of such a fertili-
zer, F. O. B. Amherst at $30 signals
over."
Patient No. 4 (Coming up to
visitor) — "I know you Sidney Gordon
Hasbrouck. I could tell you by that
icy stare and you are the same weight
as the specific gravity of your body
immersed in water. Please don't
flunk me mister or I'll stab myself with
a cake of soap."
Visitor (to nurse) — "This is terrible.
Let me out of here quick, or I'll go
mad too."
"What is the most useless plant on
the campus?"
"Power Plant."
"Every Knock a Boost'
"OH GRACIOUS!" OR "A COR-
RESPONDENCE COURSE IN
LOVE"
Harold was non-chalant. Oh
Gracious! Harold how can you be
so! (Thus you get a cue where the
title comes in) Yes it was surely
evident that Harold must be deeply
in love somewhere for as he care-
fully applied the Bay-Rum to his
golden locks and carefully brushed
back his hair, none but a blind man
could have doubted that Daniel
Cupid had been wielding his darts
in Harold's heart for a mistaken
target.
"Oh dear!" said Harold, and in the
same breath he was heard to say,
"Say, cul, got the 'makings?' " He
was back to earth again. However
no one seemed to be weighed down
with the "makins" or else they were
sick and tired of feeding them to
him forever, for when Harold saw
that no "makins" were forthcoming,
he carefully picked out a chair in a
secluded spot, carefully examined
the seat for tacks, and set himself
for a quiet reading of the Sunday
School Journal. (Just like the Police
Gazette) .
As there was no article by Jesse
Jimmy or no article on "Temperance,"
Harold read the advertisements as a
further amusement, but a far-away
look now and then indicated that he
was thinking of someone somewhere.
(Where? O ask. Harold, really you
must.) Anyway to make our story
longer, his eye fell on this ad,
"Correspondence Course in Love
Win Your Girl by Becoming
Wealthy
Every young man knows that he
can win the fairest girl, if he has
money to buy her clothes with. Take
our course and we'll show you how
to get rich. Registration fee $5.00
prepaid."
"Ah," cried Harold, "I shall win
the fair hand of Gwendoline the
boiler maker. (Of course this was
not said aloud, oh gracious no!)
So Harold arose and taking his pen
in hand (he couldn't write with his
feet) wrote the letter to the Cor-
respondence Institute including his
registration fee of $5.00.
(Dots indicate that two weeks has
elapsed) .
One bright, rainy morning in Feb-
ruary, with the birds twittering in
the trees and the grass growing
(in Florida), Harold ran downstairs
to his College Post-office Box No
(If we told you the number you'd
know who he was also.) Well any-
way he got a letter and it wasn't
from the Dean either.
Its contents reads as follows — to
Harold—
"If you want to get wealthy,
you love-sick fool, catch suckers
like we do."
Love Correspondence School.
"Oh Gracious! Quick! a doctor!"
"What's the matter Doc, has he
fainted?"
"Oh Gracious! Yes." the doctor
answered.
THE LAST MALE CO-ED ON
THE CAMPUS
Year 1995
After him girls. Don't let him get
away. Isn't he too cute for anything.
Some kid, isn't he? I wonder who
will take him to the first informal.
What did you say his name is?
Irving B. Lincoln, 3rd. I'll bet he's
a lovely dancer. All his ancestors
"Every Blow Above the Belt'*
were. I know, girls, just how to
start an acquaintance with him.
Let's approach him and try to sell
him a calendar. Oh, girls he's
blushing terribly. Oh, isn't it pitiful.
He's blushing himself to death. Some-
one get a doctor, quick.
TO THE POWER PLANT
What do you call yourself a plant
for? Plants at least have some use
in this world and why the "Power?"
We learned the definition of "power"
in Physics and you are debasing all
of that wonderful knowledge that we
But it was too late for the last
male co-ed had expired.
(Note — As Hank has already re-
ceived 3 free copies, we are not going
to give him one this week).
assimilated. According to Kimball's
Physics as translated by the present
sophomore class (and I guess they
ought to know) "power" means
"the rate of work per second."
The Home of the Stetson Shoes
Come in and see our new line of Pumps before
the Prom. Good serviceable footwear at
all times.
BoUes Shoe Store
Our Variety of Fruit in unlimited
Candy, Soda, Cigarettes
Amherst Fruit Store
Open till 12 every night
Fellows, now that Prom is at hand, why
not look over our latest styles in pumps.
Satisfaction and comfort guaranteed.
FLEMING'S SHOE STORE
Main St., Northampton
There is only one place in this vicinity
where first-class work is done on musical
instruments. For Musical Supplies see
M. O. WIGKES Plaza Theatre Building
NORTHAMPTON
**Every Knock a Boost'
Your work isn't even 3rd rate when
it comes to supplying heat or giving
us light. The only power you have
is the power to freeze us out of the
dorm, or make us near-sighted from
trying to find your light. You deceive
the public by allowing great clouds
of smoke to arise from that chimney.
What have you got that coal for?
Now really dear old Plant, we did
not mean to speak so harshly for we
know that some days we get heat,
especially when the temperature is
around 80 degrees outdoors. Besides
we often get plenty of light, on
bright days and at night we get candle
power when the college store has a
supply of candles on hand.
But it's a pretty sad case when a
fellow starts shivering so that he has
to be put in a straight- jacket and
another fellow's room is raided
by a bloodthirsty mob just because
he happens to own a box of matches
from which to get heat. And can
you think of a more foolish question
than this one a visitor happened to
ask (he's dead now), "It's colder
then in this room, isn't it?" — well
we should expect it to be anyhow.
Think it over power Plant.
HALL OF SHAME
The two most used up expressions
on the campus — "Howd' ya hit 'em?"
and "Is this cold enough for you?"
Who won a bet from Dole? He was
seen smoking a cigar the other day.
Farewell a fond farewell (Exit
Canned Club).
Another senior society has been
suggested as. Gotta Koppa Job.
Early scrimmaging for some mem-
bers of the football squad will start
soon. It is reported that Plaisted,
Schletterbeck, and Curran are going
to the Junior Prom.
All those interested in fencing, call
on Prof. Hicks at the office of Mr.
Gore. Remember it costs 75c a foot,
so help the cause along.
ALUMNI NOTES
John Bradley, '14, has recently
formed an M. A. C. 1914 Club at
Groton, Mass.
It must be hard for the poor
Mexicans to pronounce Reyer Her-
man Von Zwaluenberg.
Glover E. Howe, '13, B. Sc,
D.M.D., etc., etc., is now ready for
customers, having matriculated at
Harvard Medical School. He hasn't
got anything on the "Kid," however,
who can treat anything from a
toothache to a removal of the
appendix while you wait.
Rod Harris, '14, (to fair dame)
"What do you say to a tramp in
the woods?"
She — "Why, Rod, I never speak
to them." _____
Doctor (to ailing student) — "What
you need is a complete rest."
Student — "But, Doc. I took three
humanity courses last semester."
Doc. — "Then it must be a change
of climate you need."
Student — "I have my doubts, sir.
You see, I room in the dorm, and we
get several climates up there."
Doc. — "Ah, ah, now I know what
the trouble is. You will have to cut
out smoking."
Student — "Smoking? There isn't
any such thing known up to Aggie.
Not since 'Shylock' took our money
away. We can't afford it, and all
the 'butts' on the campus have been
smoked and resmoked."
Doc. — "My boy, I am sorry, but
I will have to operate on you immedi-
ately for appendicitis. That's where
the trouble lies."
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
Student — "Why, have I got another
appendix? I just had one removed
last month."
Doc. (scratching his head)— "Well
Doc. — "Oh, I have an interest in
Aggie boys. I'll only charge you $3."
And still we haven't a course in
agricultural medicine in this college.
TovQHs In the HASH~HouS£,
then, er, er, er-perhaps you aren't
sick after all."
Student — "That's probably just it.
How much will that be?"
Watch our Candy display for new wrinkles
in Gonfectionery.
THE GRANGE STORE
We aim to satisfy
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular Dinners and Suppers and Special
Breakfasts.
The best optical work can be had at the
only real optician in Northampton, that is at
O. T. Dewhurst (formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
RULES FOR PROM WEEK
All men must be accompanied by
a chaperon and any giggling on the
part of any man will not be tolerated.
The treasurer will tax every taxi
that drives along our precious campus
road. No tooting aloud (?) after
five A. M.
If you're undecided about your next suit why not
drop in and allow me to show you the goods for the
coming season. The best materials and the best of
workmanship.
W. K. STAAB, The Tailor
Main St., Northampton
Welcome to our city, short course students.
We are pleased to see you three times a day
or oftener at the
Columbia Cafe
We believe in fitting the clothes to the man, not the man to the clothes
Satisfaction, Quality, Moderate Prices, Variety
Full Dress Suits for Sale and for Hire
MEANY'S CLOTHING STORE holyoke
HIGH ST.
Now that everyone has passed our final
exams, we are going to be more strict this
semester and allow no cuts to be taken in
"Farmacy."
ADAMS DRUG STORE
"Say, Jack, that sweater of yours was
white once, why not have it cleaned to its
original color by introducing it to the Bay
State Dye House" 15 Masonic St., North-
ampton. All kinds of Dyeing and Cleansing.
Now that the worry of Exams is over,
why not let "Scottie" press out your
wrinkles.
Hooper — ^The Red Light Shop
The Home of "The Friday War Cry"
TIJi KINGSBURY BOX & PRINTING CO.
Northampton
Let me have a heart to heart talk with
3'ou before you buy your "wooden over-
coat." Take out some Insurance now with
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Feb. 4, 5, 6
"BEAUTY, YOUTH AND FOLLY"
Mirth Merriment Melody
EMPIRE THEATRE, Holyoke
The best place for up-to-date haberdashery
is the place where they sell the very best
and latest styles.
24 Main St.. A. W. STONE Northampton
Don't give all your money to "Shylock."
Don't go home without settling with the
Co-op.
Just because you see "Frost" don't get cold feet.
CO-OP LAUNDRY
FROST, '15, Agt. SHERINYAN, '16
(Freshman Agt.)
Your ■ Prom Furnishings are here, ready
for your inspection. The latest thing in
Ties, Waistcoats, and Scarfs.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
If you are happy or sad on account of
Exams, just come down and work it all off at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
FRESH
HOME MADE CANDY and ICE CREAM
COLLEGE CANDY KITCHEN
15i Pleasant St.
You can never be satisfied until your
stomach is satisfied first.
Eat, drink and be merry, at
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
Meals served at all hours
Private Dining Rooms for Large or Small
Parties, Banquets, etc.
An unlimited range of selection in all lines of
Clothing and Gents' Furnishings.
A. T. GALLUP, Inc.
Agents for Hart, SchafTner & Marx Clothes
Fownes & Parrus Gloves
293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
It is essential that every student should
keep a cash account. We carry the Uni-
versal Cash Account Books.
Amherst Book Store
COLLEGE JEWELRY
OPTICAL and WATCH REPAIRING
S. S. HYDE— Jeweler
New line of Initial Stationery and Corres-
pondence Cards just received.
Newspapers and Magazines
A. J. HASTINGS
In answAiing advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
1
VOL. I
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1915
NO. 14
This will be a wonderful week for
some. The week of Junior Prom,
when everything and everyone that
does not know the true condition
of affairs, is badly deceived. Some
of our society boys will be disguised
in full dress suits, feeling as much at
home as if they were in Berlin yelling,
"Vive la France." Even the drill-hall
will be in disguise and will probably
be known as alias "The Dancing
Pavilion." For the benefit of every
one concerned and those not con-
cerned we will give a few hints,
namely :
"Those not going to the Prom will
refrain from addressing those that are
in such terms as, 'Hello, Frank
Scheufele, where you buying your
collars now?"
If you are one of the gallery
sight-seers don't try to drown out
the orchestra even if you don't like
the way it plays for the Virginia
Reels.
If you are going to the grand old
ball, inform your girls that shin
guards are a good thin to wear.
Don't try to get in on last year's
ticket.
Don't run into everyone on the
floor as if you were running into a
saloon. Don't yawn before 5 A. M.
When you feel a yawn approaching,
try sneezing instead. Don't confuse
sneezing with snoozing.
IF WE ONLY TOLD THE GIRL
THE TRUTH
1. I'd hate to dance thru life like
this with you.
2. Get off of my corns.
3. Let's not ride in a taxi and save
money.
4. I can't afford to go to Proms
more than once a year.
5. This grub is pretty good. I'm
going to tip the waiter a nickel when
you aren't looking.
6. I borrowed this dress-suit.
OUR MOVIES
The Perils of Poxine or The Safety
Razor Was Not Her Size
Yes, she belonged to this mysterious
secret society. The Sewing Circle.
Little Poxine was a French girl,
sometimes known as Small Pox for
short. The scene opens with Poxine
in the den of thieves knitting bows
for the Belgians' dancing pumps.
She heaved a sight of relief as she
finished them, but the heave wasn't
over 20 feet. Sprightly, she tripped
to the window, and after picking
herself up, murmured in perfect
French, "Watdaya mean, too cold
for ice today?"
"Too cold for selling ice," answered
the ice-man from without.
Then the ice-man added, weighing
his words carefully (every ice team
carries a weighing machine), "Do
you know who I am? Well, I'm a
secret service man."
"Come in," the girl answered drop-
ping her voice but recovering the
fumble.
He entered.
End of Part One. Part Two Will
Follow Immediately
Part 2
The secret service man was mysti-
fied for he could not find a corner
What is Prom Week with out a box of
Prom Candy, Maroon and White Boxes of
Belle Mead Sweets.
ADAMS DRUG STORE
If your eyes trouble you or if you need
any optical supplies there's only one place
to go.
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
For a good refreshing meal there's a satis-
faction in eating at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular dinners and suppers and special
breakfasts.
Did you ever hear of Scottie the grand
opera singer? Just drop in and hear him
sing on "Scottie's Victrola."
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
The Happy Hunting Grounds — Where
you can eat and forget that such a thing as
indigestion exists.
RAHAR'S INN
The King of England was heard to say
before he went to the battle line in Belgium,
"I wish I had taken out an insurance police
with
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
Thurs., Fri., Sat., February 11, 12, 13
WATSON'S ORIENTALS
With Billy Spencer
EMPIRE THEATRE, Holyoke
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
Clothes don't make the man, but 'tis said
they sometimes make a monkey of him when
not selected at the right place. Don't miss a
chance to see our new line of gent's furnishings.
A. T. GALLUP, Inc.
293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
We keep everything in the line of gent's
furnishings except collar buttons in quarter
sizes. We guarantee everything except
dissatisfaction.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
This might be a dull winter if it wasn't
for Mets. The Home of Indoor Sports.
METGALF'S BOV>^LING ALLEYS
P»^ear of Amherst City Hall
A complete examination of my wearing
apparel might reveal certain changes nec-
essary in your wardrobe.
F. A. SHEPARD
Some of you Aggie men have been to
Holyoke without visiting
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
If you've never been here you've never had
the best time possible in Holyoke. If you
have been here— Nuf Ced.
Meals Served at All Hours
Eat to your heart's content and we'll
guarantee that your stomach won't disagree
with you.
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
Why not have us fix you up an assortment
of fancy crackers to chew on while studying.
W^e'll send them up to your room.
THE GRANGE STORE
Whatever you read, read something worth
while. We only keep the things worth while,
so drop in any time.
Amherst Book Store
Shop in the right shop.
What we don't keep you can get along without
War Crys also on sale here.
COLLEGE STORE
Another Event for Prom Week — Have
your photo taken with the girl. There's
something that isn't on the program but
should be.
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answsring advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 1915
NO. 15
WAR NEWS IN BRIEF
A force of 200 Turks, led by Gen.
Shaughnessy, the German leader
mutinied to-day and refused to eat
Porter-House steaks on account of
the high cost of living. (Via Con-
stantinople) .
Kaiser Wilhelm sent King George
a valentine of bombs to-day.
29,000 Frenchmen showed brilliant
bravery to-day, capturing five
wooden-legged Austrians.
Germany draws the color line and
refuses to fight if Jack Johnson is
allowed to fight for France.
Russia expects a great victory and
possibly an end to the war, on account
of the fact that Nick Carter, Frank
Merriwell, Diamond Dick and
Stealthy Steve have enlisted in their
army.
SENIOR CLASS MEETING
President of Class — "We will now
hold elections for this semester. Who
wants to be President?"
Voice in rear — "I elect myself and
move the nominations be closed."
Voice No. 2 — "That's a deal. I'm
the most popular man in this class."
Voice No. 3 — "You're a har. I
am."
Voice No. 4 — "I think Mr is
doing something underhanded. He
won't tell me who he's going to vote
for. I think he's voting for a fraternity
brother."
President — "After thinking it over,
I think I'll be president another
semester. All those in favor and all
those opposed designate in the usual
manner. Very good. It's a vote."
Voice No. 5 — "I demand a recount.
I think I saw some one put up both
hands, and somebody held me so
I couldn't vote."
Voice No. 6— "Who's a deal?
Why is a motion? Where is it
parliamentary ? ' '
Voice No. 7 — "Why not have a
Mexican class (double meaning here) .
Let everyone take a turn at being
President."
President — "Let's not have any
class."
Assembly — "We ain't."
DID YOU KNOW THAT
If Johnson should decide to go out
for debating instead of playing ball
this spring, it wouldn't help the ball
team any.
If you keep awake in chapel, you
may go to heaven some day.
If the Chem. Lab. should burn
down, the Fire Dep't. would get some
good practise making twenty cents
an hour.
The town movies isn't what it
used to be. Ask officer Smith if they
ever found the reason why he slipped
and banged his eye last year.
Some bloody battle, that Soph-
Freshman hockey game. Most of
the blood was contributed by Higgin-
botham, however. Livermore made
himself very useful during the first
half by mopping up most of the
water on the rink. So thoughtful
of him, wasn't it? Stowell refreshed
himself at frequent intervals by
falling thru a hole in the ice at the
north end of the rink. Ross had a
heated argument with some of the
freshman rooters on the "Misuse of
loud cheering." Harlow also contri-
buted to the excitement by doing a
"Every Knock a Boost'
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, SI. 00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
brodie in front of the crowed. Al-
together, it was a very spectacular
game to watch. O, yes, we almost
forgot something. The sophomores
won, 3-0.
Sh, don't look around now, but
Hank is going to the next Informal.
All moving picture rights reserved.
In Aggie Ec. 2 — "Is dentistry an
extractive industry, Mr. Strand?"
Doc Grant was seen going to
church last Sunday. We are alarmed
about Doc's health.
It requires either genius or long
experience for a fellow to play the
part of an inebriated gentleman the
way Buckman does it. What do
you mean, experience?
Of course, Mr. Hicks didn't need
to explain that it wasn't the Hash-
house grub that made the fellows-
sick.
THE ROMANCE OF JAGGED
JAKE
Or Why They Served Us Gravel
When What We Want is Beans
Smiling insolently, Jagged Jake
drew a cigarette from his vanity case.
"No, Algernon," he remarked to his
prostrate foe, "I shall not release
you just yet. I have a pur-r-r-pose
in keeping you here!"
Cold shivers ran up and down the
region of Algernon's vertebrae, and
the perspiration stood out on his
forehead like cold sweat on a can of
lemonade.
"But my deah man,"Algy simpered.
"Silence!" roared the desperado.
Then he continued, not unkindly,
"If your stature were the size of your
intellect, you could run under a
carpet sweeper without bending your
knees."
Algy lay dazed, revolving nebulous
thoughts in his mind at the rate of
40,000 revolutions per minute. Sud-
denly the still air Vv^as broken by a
staccato rattle — hark, the distant
sound of hoof beats! With a muffled
curse, Jagged Jake kicked Algernon
in the pancreas and bade him. get up.
"Coises! The cowpunchers of the
Bar U Crescent K Ranch are upon
us!" At this minute there was a sharp
report, and a dull nauseating scrunch
as a dum-dum bullet tore its way
through
(Note — This thrilling narrative will
not be continued, as we didn't
intend to continue it anyway. We
only print it as a sample of what some
of the Freshmen spend their valuable
time reading).
NOTES ON THE SKIDOPTERA
(From our Modified Manual of
Mythology)
It has been observed that a centi-
pede has two eyes and several legs.
In walking he uses column formation.
An ameba is a small animal made
up of a pod and pseudopod. He takes j
his lunch with rolls. ^
Bedbugs are nocturnal creatures, ^
found with other ticks in the bed .]
"Every Blow Above the Belt'
ticking. To remove bedbugs from a
bed, burn the bed.
The gastrula is a stage in evolution,
following the blastula and preceding
the Freshman stage.
In digging for earthworms, seize
your prey firmly behind the ears.
If the worm turns and attempts to
bite, breathe on him. He will then
become unconscious, providing you
have been eating at the hash-house.
LITERARY BLURBS
Prof. Haskell's new book on "Farm
Practice, Sound and Unsound," is
selling rapidly in the rural districts.
Experiments conducted in China,
Ceylon, Hindustan and Rothamstead,
England, are described in detail and
will no doubt prove of great interest
and value to the American reader.
A new seminar in Cosmopolitan
Reading is being arranged by some of
the more enterprising Sophomores.
The "Seven Darlings" and other
literary gems appearing each month
will be studied from their artistic
aspect.
Prof. Hasbrouck, recently admitted
to membership in the Horse Radish
Society, has given out book notices
for a new work entitled "How to
Teach Physics Humorously." The
author reports that the book will be
full of fun from cover to cover.
"Pete" Mattoon has recently had
a love story accepted by the Mt.
Holyoke monthly. It is printed in
large type, to be read when the lights
are turned low. Bound in calf,
$1.00; de Looks edition 15 cents
extra.
Dear Miss Delia Dope:
While attending a house party in
Belchertown recently, I fell head
over feet in love with a swell dame
considerably^ above my station in life.
She received my attentions with
impunity, but at the crucial moment
she said: "I can only be a sister to
you; shut off the spark, you're be-
ginning to skid." My heart leaped
into my mouth and my face fell.
Struggling with my emotions, I
wrenched myself from her presence
and walked away with a strained
expression and a slight limp. Will
you kindly recommend a remedy
for cramps in the right arm?
Yours amorously,
J. Jenkins Slinkwitz.
HALL OF SHAME
The members of the faculty, their
wives and lady friends are invited
to go on the Mettewampe Trek this
Sat. (Look's as if there might be a
hair-pulling match if the "wives and
lady friends m.eet.")
Dr. Gage (after explaining the
method of making agar media for
bacteriological purposes) :
"Now you fellows will put the media
while still hot into these test-tubes"
(displaying a 10 cc. test-tube).
Bright student, 5 minutes later:
"Say Doctor how am I going to
put 150 cc. of media into one of those
small 10 cc. test-tubes?"
Lent starts this week, now this is
an opportunity for you to collect
those 5 "seeds" that you lent last year.
Wallie Dodge says this is a big
week in the Lunch Room for those
fellows that went to the Prom. It is
pretty monotonous hearing "plate
of beans" from about 30 fellows.
The Looloo Bird says :— "These
Proms, are great things while they
last but they're just like a fractured
leg — the breaking away is painful."
Little Jack Horner
Went down to the corner
In order to get his smokes, etc., at
ADAMS DRUG STORE
A man is more apt to make a mistake than
to admit it but for optical work you can't
make a mistake if you go to
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
It's a good thing to have opinions on what
a good meal is but it's better to eat that meal
at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular dinners and suppers and special
breakfasts.
The U-needa Press Club will meet at |
Scottie's this week.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
The Best Home-made Candy can be had
only at the place where real home-made
candy is sold and that is the
COLLEGE CANDY KITCHEN
Insurance is wisdom which looks towards
the future and provides for it. If you're wise
you'll look for
Instead of crossing the Delaware, Wash-
ington might have crossed Pleasant St. to
see what he would wear after purchasing at
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
If you're looking for a good trimming,
drop in and get a good hair cut at the
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are'Shown.
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
Enclosed in clothes, you are fittingly
proper. That is, if your clothes were bought
at
A, T. GALLUP, Inc.
292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
The best tonic for depressed spirits is a
good evening's fun at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
A man is not known by the company he
keeps, but he's judged by the clothing he
wears and how it fits him.
F. A. SHEPARD
Eat, drink, and be merry while in Holyoke
by spending your time in the best way possi-
ble at
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
The Home of "The Friday War Cry"
TH[ KINGSBURY BOX & PRINTING CO.
Northampton
All our confectionery and cookies are sure
to be satisfactory' as they are the best.
THE GRANGE STORE
A man is known by the writing paper be
uses in his correspondence. If you' want to
"get in right," come in and get your writing
paper at i?>
Amherst Book Store
We don't sell Willard Wattle's Book of
Poems but we sell the theme paper and the
ink that he uses to write out his poems.
COLLEGE STORE
Two ways you can see your actual image.
By looking in a mirror and getting your
pictures taken here. Neither lies.
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 1915
NO. 16
The Providence Journal recently
asked in their columns why we
called our paper the "War Cry" when
there was already the Salvation Army
"War Cry;" why not the "Rural
Gazette" or the "Farm Crop." We'd
like to know why they call their
paper the "Journal" when there is a
"Real" paper called the New York
Journal.
Web feet would be rather useful
this kind of weather.
There are more Hank stories going
around now than Ford car stories.
It must be terrible to be so popular.
The track team appeared Friday
and Saturday nights in their usual
capacity as "also rans." Tufts must
have a swell team.
Now that an Evangelical Campaign
is coming to Aggie it will give an
opportunity for some lost souls around
the campus to revive themselves.
ALUMNI NOTES
Bevan, '13, was seen around college
this week, he has a new "soup
strainer" growing in the same place
where the last one was growing in
the early spring of 1913.
Doc Fay, '13, has been elected on
the Monson school board. Doc
must be passing out the same line
to the natives in Monson as he used
to up at Aggie.
"Newt" Dearing, '14, writes from
Florida that he has the best tan this
year that he ever had any summer.
They say Joe Macone, '13, has been
seen recently near his home in Con-
cord practicing for a race. Perhaps
"Shorty" is going to race "Big"
Samson on Alumni Day.
HALL OF SHAME
Popular Instructors on the
Campus: —
Are those that are visiting their
sick grandmother, or are busy else-
where.
Always read the French and Ger-
man translations before calling on a
fellow to translate.
Forget to read the class roll very
often.
Allow the class to come in twenty
minutes past the hour and leave at
ten minutes of the hour.
Smoking allowed during recitations,
in other words, have a smoke-talk.
Tell stories that have no relation
to the course and that are "funny"
so that you can laugh at them (?).
Serve pillows during long-winded
lectures so that there may be peaceful
slumber.
1st Sophomore (Interested in
Botany) — "Say, Bill, to vv^hat family
do you think this plant belongs?"
2nd Sophomore — "You better look
out, I think it belongs to Mrs. Whit-
marsh."
* 'Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
'Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
'Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
'Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
'Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
Pendleton — "Say, Franklin, does
your fountain pen leak that way all
the time?"
Marsh — "Oh goodness no, Harlow,
only when I have ink in it."
The Looloo Bird Says: —
This balmy spring weather is good
for a cold, if you haven't got it yet,
there's hope still.
REGINALD'S LETTERS
With this issue, the "Professor"
starts a new column which he hopes
will become of aid and interest to the
many readers of the "War Cry,"
especially those among the fair sex.
All replies will be cheerfully answered
through these columns; those expect-
ing replies through the mail must
enclose stamped envelopes.
Dear "Reginald"^
I have a great confession to make
to you, one which I have never dared
to admit, even to Sylvia. My eyes
are brown, but the fashion this
season tends to black eyes. I am
hopelessly behind the times, and am
prostrated. What shall I do?
Adelaine.
Dear "Addie" —
I have a pretty good punch.
Call around at the office some day and
I'll see what I can do for you.
Professor Reginald.
Professor — ■
I am very much worried about the
very bad cold that I've got and now
it has gotten down into my lungs.
I've used Peruna and Scott's Ivanhoe
and neither of these medicines has
done me any good. I'm afraid I may
be departing soon.
Harold.
Dear Harold —
While you're here, let me say
"Good-bye" to you as it would be
very impolite to wait until you had
departed. But why depart? Do
you owe you room rent? For your
cold, Harold, I knew a friend who took
a spoonful of cyanide before break-
fast and he was never troubled with
a cold after that.
Professor.
Reginald, Old Top —
I have ducededly large feet, don't
cher know, and the girls make great
sport of me. You cawn't imagine
how embarrassing it is. Bah Jove,
though, I have a great understanding
y'know, I can't see how to help
myself.
Algernon.
Oh, Algie—
They say that dawncing reduces
the feet. Take a tip from Hank and
try it.
Sympathetically,
Reginald.
Dear Professor —
They say that some day we will be
allowed to smoke; oh Goody! But I
**Every Blow Above the Belt"
can't make up my mind what to
smoke.
'18.
Dear Innocence — -
Billie smokes Bull Durham, and
"Squirt" uses Lucky Strike, but
don't do it. Try something good and
buy Sweet Caporals or Meccas.
Advicingly,
Professor.
Dear Reginald —
I am very much troubled with
superfluous hair on my face. For-
merly the boys were very much
attracted to me, but of late, the
"down" has spoiled this little chicken.
Goshingly,
Henrietta.
Dear Hen —
Send your name and address with
a five dollar bill to King C. Gillette.
"Reggy."
Reginald, My Boy —
I am 47 years of age and the hair
is commencing to become gray around
my temples. What shall I do?
Delicia.
Dearest Delicia —
Cheer up! I once saw a sixty year
old girl with a wig that gave her a
"sixteen-and-never-been-kissed"eflect-
Affectionately,
Reginald.
After May 1st WLeai Hamp Is Dry
Let's ask this cop where we can get
a drink.
Don't ask him, you boob, follovv"
him.
1st Stude — I'll bet you don't know
where I got this collar.
2nd Stude — Sanderson & Thomp-
son's?
1st Stude — Around my neck.
SPLINTERS FROM THE BOARD
TRACK
When you hear the pistol crack
And you straighten out your back,
Leaping lightly down the track.
Well, that's the time to run, really
run.
When your rivals forge ahead.
By ambition swiftly sped.
And you feel a pang of dread ....
Why, that's the time to run, really
run.
When your strength begins to flag
And your flying speed to lag.
When your feet can scarcely drag.
Now, that's the time to run, really
run.
As the shining tape you see.
Ten more feet to victory,
Just remember this decree.
Boys, that's the time to run, really
W^hy is it:
That our Editor-in-chief is taking
such a long time to celebrate V/ash-
ington's Birthday?
That the sophomores are m.aking
collections of shingles, barrel-staves,
etc.?
That the power-plant turns the
steam en full force on these warm
days?
That we don't get music with our
meals any more at the Hash-House?
That some fellows never get a
WAR CRY until their names are
printed in it?
We hear that several new courses
in Farm Mechanics are to be intro-
duced next year. Why not add a
course or two in Kitchen Mechanics
for the Co-eds?
WHAT ABOUT THIS
25c Presses your Suit 50c Presses your Dress-Suit $1.50 will Dry Clean and Press a Suit
This price will hold for six months and it is up to you to maintain it.
No better pressing at any price. See our agents for pressing tickets.
AMHERST CO-OP. LAUNDRY
Where you get the most for your money.
Weighed and not found wanting.
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Expert optical work and satisfaction go
hand and hand, and they are always oresent
at
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
If you feel downhearted, just drop in and
let "SCOTTIE" press your suit. The only
sad thing around his shop is the Sad-irons.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
Health and happiness are to be had by
those who eat good food and the best of food
is served at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular Dinners and Suppers and Special
Breakfasts
Hope is a lazy man's pastime, and an
active man's strength, don't be hoping too
much but see immediately
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
(Read this right, fellows)
What do you think, I'll shave you for
nothing and give you something to eat.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown-
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
Satisfaction and good prices is guaranteed
in all men's furnishings purchased at
A, T. GALLUP, Inc.
292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
"Father, I can not tell a lie, the best men's
furnishings are to be had at
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
Take your gym credit in Bowling
at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
What is coming to a man is not often what
he wants, but if you want the best then you
can find it at
F. A. SHEPARD
There is many a "No Place Like Home"
Sign hanging in many homes, but you have
to change your mind after visiting
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
A little "sunshine" now and then is relished
by the best of men. Oh yes, Sunshine
Biscuits.
THE GRANGE STORE
The Home of "The Friday War Cry"
THE KINGSBURY BOX & PRINTING CO.
Northampton
We carry all the necessary student supplies
and welcome you in any time to look over
our stock.
Amherst Book Store
If any fellow wants his pictures taken,
with the best work guaranteed and with the
most reasonable prices, he ought to drop in
and see
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answ«riiig advertisements, please mention the "War Cry'
VOL. I
FRIDAY, MARCH 5, 1915
NO. 17
This week is Ulumni Week. You
can tell by the large number of pros-
perous looking gentlemen on the cam-
pus. You're apt to see some class
scraps if any '89 men should happen
to meet any '88ers. See that stout
gentleman conversing with Prof.
Curry Hicks. Watch him put his
hand in his pocket (we don't mean
watch Prof. Hicks put his hand in the
gent's pocket) and help the cause
of the Athletic Field along. Have you
noticed those fellows telling of the old,
old days when they were students at
the college. It's strange that so many
of them are still living, for would you
believe it, they were way back in
the class of 1913. Look at that fellow
over there sympathizing with Prexy
over the troubles and overwork that
comes with being the head of an
institution. Well, that's Jawn Pellett,
principal of the Cape Elizabeth High
School, the largest school of its kind
in that town. Mr. Pellett was in the
class of '14, together with Jeff Calvert
who is now a courteous floor-walker.
You may not think it plausible but
that young man in the blue suit
stops at the Copley Plaza in Boston.
Why, yes, he is a motorman in the
Boston Elevated service and there
a.re lots of passengers getting on in
Copley Square. See that fat fellow of
the class of 1912 talking to a senior.
He is telling him what a big, fine boy
the said senior has grown up to be
and is reminding him of the days he
used to run errands for the '12 man.
Some of those men we do not know,
but they are Aggie men all right
because they are pretty good looking
and look prosperous. Nuf 'ced.
HORRORS! "YOODLES" IM-
PLICATES AGGIE MEN IN
COURT PROCEEDINGS
"Yoodles" has actually confessed
that she once lived in the town of
Amherst and attended Aggie with the
class of 'Umpty Ott. That is, she
worked in the kitchen of the Hash
House but all of the 'Umpty Ott
class knew her well, even the waiters.
Hamsfield only ran the elevator from
the basement to the serving room and
used to write love messages on the
fried eggs. It came to light that
Hamsfield was extravagant and spent
a fortune on "Yoodles." Once they
were actually seen in the 20c seats
at the movies. When the Judge
questioned the girl regarding the
card games she was known to amass
wealth by, "Yoodles" again broke
down (the railing she v/as leaning on)
and confessed that she led many of
the boys astray by teaching them the
game of "Slap-jacks." During the
Commencement Exercises of the Class
of 'Umpty Ott the class won the
"Class Sing Contest" mainly because
of the fact that "Yoodles" composed
their songs, such as "Will Anyone
Here Miss Yoodles" and "Down with
King Alcohol — Drink it Down."
Among the witnesses at the case was
Dabrovitch, the town tailor, who
claims that "Yoodles" owes him
money. The judged asked him how
it was that "Yoodles' ' owed him. money
and the tailor said she asked him to
help her press her suit against Hams-
field.
A weekly health hint to the Co-
eds — Don't Marry a Debater.
**Every Knock a Boost'
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
CLASS TREE PLANTING AFTER
THE EVANGELISTIC
CAMPAIGN
The jolly Juniors recklessly raised
their foaming steins of Moxie while
the class tree was firmly planted in
the earth. The less vile among them,
silently munched their coffee ice-
cream cones, and murmured cheer
after cheer. The president of the
class raised his hand to silence them,
and his voice broke out clear after he
has consumed his cough drop. "Fel-
lows, to-night we are about to cover
the roots of this pure Palm Tree in
this soil. I know it will grow as well
as if it were in sunny Cuba if we all
pray vociferously. Now, men, cover
its roots and some one water it with
the distilled H2o." He was about to
go on when suddenly he gazed upon
a youth who actually was sipping
soda-water thru a straw. "Base
youth," the president cried, "You,
Elmer Gay lord Fontleroy, consider
your misdemeanor. You probably are
wicked enough to attend the movies,
where they turn the lights low or else
steal away from some restaurant with
extra tooth-picks. Men, of the class
of '19 let us leave this poor unfortunate
to himself, so that he may think of
his wrongs."
They left poor Elmer struggling
hard to gulp down his salty tears
which dampened his long brown eye-
lashes. "This is too much, too
much," wept Elmer to himself, and,
drawing his pocket- flashlight, he shot
himself three times."
The members of the War Cry
board are a bunch of sore-heads.
Sure we are, because Fritz Larson,
captain of the Sophomore Independent
Bowling Team told us so this morning.
Fritz didn't mean to get excited over
it but he reminded us of the fact
that we did not publish an account
of the ignominious (that's a good
word) defeat that his team handed
to the West Entry Bowling Team a
couple of weeks ago. You see two
members of the West Entry team are
on the War Cry staff. Therefore, the
board is a bunch of Sore-heads.
It was a close match and the Soph.
Independents bowled in great shape.
If it is not too old to be good news,
we might add that the score was
1330 to 1288. Hooper and Sauter
starred for the winners while the
West Entry team had no particular
stars.
We apologize, Fritz. How do you
feel now?
'15 — "You can get a lot out of that
course."
'16 — "I never heard of a humanity
course of that nature. If it was
Pomology I would think you were
right.
'15 — "Well, you can stay out of
this course most of the time."
Prof. — ^What is a curve?
Freshmen (after pondering awhile)
It is the path of an intoxicated point.
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
There is no new thing under the
sun, at least that is the conclusion
Solomon arrived at some three thou-
sand years ago. If he was right,
Freshmen, what is the use of trying
to get by Billy's Trig. He recognizes
all the dodges by instinct. You know
Billy has that goose egg on the tip
of his tongue.
Spoffard has acquired a new job
picking hairs out of the hash at the
eating establishment. Nevertheless,
Doc. Grant, look out that you won't
have to buy a new collar for you coat.
Duke Curran has a new position
and there is a chance for others.
He is at present employed at the
Drill hall picking tacks out of the
floor with his teeth. Here is an
opportunity for some of you fellows
who are financially embarrassed.
A LITTLE DITTY BY A
FRESHMAN
How doth the busy little moth,
Improve each shining minute,
By hunting up your woolen stuff?
And laying egglets in it.
EXPERIENCES AT THE
SUMMER SCHOOL
(For Particulars see "Red" Kennedy)
REGULAR NAIVENESS
'Mid blossoms of roses fair to see
In the loveliest land of lands,
There sat a youth and a maiden wee.
Under the blue sky holding — roses.
Full many a glance to the right they
gave
And many a glance to the left in haste,
A.nd then — sh! don't make a noise,
you knave.
His arm stole round her — sunshade.
There were roses pink and roses white
And the joyous sun shone warm
above ;
But what cared they for such a sight.
Their thoughts were far too deep in —
philosophy.
And as this couple philosophed
And held their-er-their roses tight,
oh bliss!
They often spread their shade aloft.
And underneath exchanged a — glance.
Dear Miss Sid Largerbeer:
I am in a predicament I can't
explain. I am a young girl 18 years
old and have been going with a
young man who is attending college,
and who says he will marry me as
soon as he graduates. As he has been
going to college about 8 years so far,
you see I have been waiting quite a
while. Sometimes I almost wonder
if he is going to college at all.
But this isn't the worst of it.
I never let Roger kiss me. Now he is
coming around telling me he kisses
other girls and they kiss him. Further-
more he is angry with me. Tell me,
Miss Largerbeer, is Roger justkiddin?
How can I win him back?
enisoreK yraM.
If you did but know, poor child,
it is very coarse, not to say vulgar,
to use "kiddin" when you mean
"kidding." Beyond this point I
should say you were too young to
think of love. If Roger were any
kind of a man and worthy of your
trusting heart, he would have been
through college by this time anyway.
Six or seven years at the most ought
to be enough for anyone to go to
college. No real gentleman ever
tells one girl what he does with
others. Forgive and forget such a
discourteous gentleman .
WHAT ABOUT THIS
25c Presses your Suit 50c Presses your Dress-Suit $1.50 will Dry Clean and Press a Suit
This price will hold for six months and it is up to you to maintain it.
No better pressing at any price. See our agents for pressing tickets. ,
AMHERST CO-OP. LAUNDRY I
This is the place the Ulumni will hold
their re-unions.
Ulumni smokes, sodas, and confectionery
The Aggie Apothecary
ADAMS DRUG STORE
CAN U READ THIS E-Z-LEE?
Some of you can and some can't. If in
doubt or if you need any expert optical work.
Visit
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
All kinds of
divorce suits,
while you sleep.
suits treated here except
"SCOTTIE" presses 'em
Get wise — patronize.
Hooper — ^The Red Light Shop
Be right at home — by eating the kind of
food that mother used to make. To be had at
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular dinners and suppers and special
breakfasts.
A course in Economics — More credit to
this course than any you are nov/ taking.
A little insurance now and then, is a good
thing for Aggie men.
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
The Best Movies on the Campus — A hair-
raising act — "How Spence Cuts Them Off"
or "A Close Shave."
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
This is not just a rumor — It's the truth.
25 per cent discount on all sweaters— First
come first served. War Crys on sale here.
COLLEGE STORE
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
They say there aren't many "Come-backs"
in this world, but they all come back to
Gallups. The reason is satisfaction and
economy.
A, T. GALLUP, Inc.
292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
The only kind of a Spring Fever you J
should catch — Spring is almost here so it's |
time to come and see our new line of goods. Jl
Something the Old Boys couldn't enjoy.
Don't fail to show the ulumni the new bowling
alleys.
METCALF'S BOVv^LING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
"Every Little Movement Has a Meaning
of its Own." You can get the meaning of
the public's move towards our store by seeing
for yourself just what we carry.
F. A. SHEPARD
There may be "Nobody Home" but what
do you care as long as
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
The Happv Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie
Men.
Meals Served at all Hours
Variety is the spice of life. We've got all
the varieties of crackers, cookies and con-
fectionery to make life one round of pleasure.
THE GRANGE STORE
We might call our new caps the "Magnet
Caps." You can't help being attracted by
them. They are the latest. Also a new line
of Derby's, Soft Hats, Ties and Shirts.
CAM PIO
The Store Behind the College — We supply
the books, paper, etc., and the college supplies
the knowledge. Be prepared.
Amherst Book Store
You fellows are just beginning to realize ',|
that you can get the kind of pictures you want
right here in town. It's like "seeing America
first."
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, MARCH 12, 1915
NO. 18
DIVISION OF TACTICS
(Arena Exercises)
Professor Louis M. Ross!
Advisors: the Senate
ELECTIVE (?) COURSES
2. Mysteries. — A general course
dealing with local community prob-
lems. A thoroughly practical pre-
sentation of the various uses of
manures, ancient and modern. Many
interesting experiments will be per-
formed by the individual student
under close direction of the head of
the department (in charge).
Prerequisite. Oral examination in
presence of the advisors. Aquatics
1 and Public Speaking 1 are strongly
recommended as preparations for this
course.
Freshman. 1 Conference and 1
laboratory period.
Prof. Ross and numerous laboratory
assistants.
After considerable red-tape, a com-
mittee of students (appointed by
themselves) succeeded in matching
the members of the student body
with the illustrious members of the
high and mighty faculty to an athletic
meet. The meet was held March 6,
Alumni Day, from 5 A. M. until
9 P. M. in the M. A. C. Stadium.
Special trains began to arrive early
at the C. V. & B. & M. stations,
consequently before the meet began
there were thousands of spec-potatoes
at M. A. C. waiting for the fiery fray
to begin.
Many prominent men among whom
were the Hon. Geo. Zabriskie, 2nd
(do not forget the 2nd), Judge Paul
Serex, Jr., and the great statesman,
Col. Arthur Geo. Wei gel, were present.
The weather promised to be fair, for
the sun shone brightly, the rain came
down in torrents, and there was not
a cloud in the sky.
The results of the meet are given
in logical order according to the im-
portance of the events.
Table Ping-Pong
Rubber between Prof. Smith and
Wm. Cowls Dickinson, '16. Won by
Prof. Smith 3-1. "Susie" lost his
head in this contest.
Solitaire Contest
Final won by Bell, '17. He's a
devil in his own home town.
Singing Contest
Won by Prof. Haskell because of
his sound practice.
Dancing Contest for Fancy Steps
Won by Hank Lincoln by a glide
and a half. 2nd, Prof. Robbins,
Physically fit, but forgot to put his
formula on the dance order.
Wrestling Matches
Sty Farrar vs. Prof. Graham. Won
by Sty, 2 falls out of 3.
Boxing
Dr. Cance vs. Chet Spofford.
Won by Dr. Cance. Spofford mis-
took this event for the mile run.
Track Meet
One Mile — Won by Prof. Hurd,
2nd "Fat" Warren, 3rd Prof. Has-
brouch. Time, 10 min. 42 sec. after
the spectators left.
1000 yds.— Won by Dole, 2nd Dr.
Sprague, 3rd Prof. Prince. Time,
8 min. before 6 P. M.
300 yds. — ^Won by Mr. Kenny,
the only competitor. Time, $5 and
24c.
Pole Vault— Won by Prof. Hurd,
6' 2" under the cross-bar. 2nd
Butterick, 6' also.
"Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
OUR HERO AT M. A. G.
Introduction: Many stories have
been written regarding heroes at
college such as "Stover at Yale,"
"How I Won My Numerals," etc.
Therefore it is only fitting and proper
that we should have an M. A. C.
hero. We herewith give the thrilling
account of Eujust Watchmee during
his four years of college life — not
Freshman College Life.
1st. Stanza
As the stalwart young fellow
alighted from the B. & M. train he was
astonished to find such a large number
of fellows there to welcome him.
Even the captain of the fencing team,
Fig Newton, was there. Fig thrust
for an opening and shook hands with
our hero, Eujust Watchmee. Eujust
handed his valise to the Dean of the
college to carry up to his room.
That night young Watchmee found
that all the fraternities were after
him. A member of the Mecca Sigs
handed him the makings and invited
our hero to call around to the house
any time. One of the Cheepa Taffa
Price men told him how much more
economical it would be to join his
crowd. He was also favorably im-
pressed with the perfumery that the
I-Vori-Sopes had on. The Slappa Thi
crowd seemed too rough and the Rye
Stu fellows only had six members of
the football team, five varsity base-
ball men and no Phi Kappa Phi men
in their frat. Finally Eujust told
them all to go home because he
wished to retire. Before he showed
the fellows the door, our hero sent
George Pelican, captain of the foot-
ball team, up to the post ofifice with
his mail.
Eujust Watchmee found that his
room-mate was nothing less than a
rough-neck and even had to go so far
as to command him to go behind
the screen while our hero undressed.
His room-mate was an upper classman
and a member of the Etiquette
Society for the Extinction of Cordu-
roy Trousers.
The next day, after having his
breakfast brought to his room by
Chet Scoff hard, the night clerk at
Draper Hall, Watchmee went up to
college to register.
As he entered the office of the
Registrar, Professor Hasbrouch said
"Good morning, young man, let me
welcome you to Aggie before signing
your card. Here, have some makings."
"Sir, I have no time to waste here
in idle conversation, "answered Watch-
mee, "I wish to register."
"Very well," exclaimed the Regis-
trar, "what is your name?"
"Oh, take your time," was the
retort, "wait until I fetch my card
from my case."
"I beg your pardon, for hurrying
you so. I did not mean it but there
are fifty fellows in line now," the
Prof, apologized.
At the treasurer's office our hero
found it to be his painful duty to
thrust four or five seniors out the door
for trying to get ahead of him in the
line. The president of the Senate,
Belcha Towne, was present and was
"Every Blow Above the Belt'
about to explain that it was a custom
for seniors to go ahead of underclass-
men," but some one whispered to
him, "Sh, that's Eujust Watchmee."
Instead of bothering with seeing
the Dean, our hero decided to send
him word to call around to his room
some night.
That afternoon, young Watchmee
went out for the football team.
Tlie coach was so pleased to see
him that he had the youth run to
North Amherst and back instead of
going around the field. When Eujust
returned from his little jaunt, he
practiced falling on the ball and the
coach sent the rest of the squad up in
the tower so as to get a bird's eye view
of how our hero did it.
It is impossible to describe Watch-
mee's popularity. Even the co-eds
wanted to know him.
At this point Watchmee bravely
walked out of this chapter, so you
will have to wait until next week to
read more of him.
HALL OF SHAME
When Prof. Hart speaks to "Reg"
Hart we'd call it a heart to heart
talk.
If Chisholm could only use his legs
to as good advantage as he does his
arms there'd be few that could beat
him.
If we all can come back in the
future looking as prosperous on alumni
day as some of the alumni did
Saturday there shouldn't be any
kick coming. I wonder how many
of those sporty-looking alumni are
still owing Kenny money on that
$12,000 — student loan that we read
about in the recent bulletin?
Mr. "Peter" W. J. Mahoney was
more or less in our midst Alumni Day
looking very prosperous now that he
is a working man in the world.
Pete had a '91 button turned upside
down to show that he was a '16 man
for two years and a half.
March 13th will be Thanksgiving
Day at Aggie, the Short-Horns are
leaving. Short prayer meeting in
the chapel, Brother White will lead
the prayer.
SPRING IS HERE
I caddot sig the ode sogs
I sag so log ago.
Because I hab a bad code
By dose is stopped up so.
I kno dab sprig is here
I s'bose you know id too.
Id sure don't bhng do cheer.
Oh, dabb this code — cachoo.
AUCTION SALE NEXT WEEK
ON CAMPUS
In order to help the support of the
Summer School Croquet Team, the
following articles are to be sold at
auction in the Social Union Room:
1 Barrel of steerage prunes. Every
one allowed one bid except Ches.
Life membership ticket to the Pro-
hibition Club.
1 set of second-hand false teeth,
guaranteed not to become lost in the
macaroni.
2 dozen invitations to the 1916
Junior Prom.
1 dozen guesses, each in a separate
package.
2 Cows — only taken down with the
Foot-and-Mouth disease last week.
1 bench of fresh paint — no ladies'
bids allowed.
1 baby carriage for the Benedicts'
Club.
With the coming of Spring, you'll need
some repairing for that cold or the Spring
Feverr— It's a long way to Hot Springs but
you can easily reach
The Aggie Apothecary
ADAMS DRUG STORE
The college teaches you how to use your
powers of observation. I can help you to
put your powers of observation into practice.
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
WAR BULLETIN
OFFICIAL: Scottie is going to fight to
give the best work for your money.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
Anything that agrees with you will agree
with your pocket-book; be agreeable and eat at
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular dinners and suppers and special
breakfasts.
Life is a game of chance but the less you
monkey with chances the safer you are.
The best chance you have is the opportunity
to insure with
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
Get your hair cuts and shaves from
Spencer and you won't have to dodge the
"slashing wop" down town.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
If there is anything you want and we
haven't got it, then you shouldn't have it,
for we've got everything you need here.
COLLEGE STORE
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
When Fud Hunger thinks he is about to
put the K. O. over on your stomach fool him
by having a good feed at
RAHAR'S INN
A good clothing business is always founded
on the strength of its patronizers and satis-
faction always leads them back. Get wise,
a lesson learned well is never forgotten.
Learn the reason at
A, T. GALLUP, Inc.
292, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
You don't have to imitate a donkey after
purchasing. here. No cause to kick.- If you
know a good thing when you see it take heed
of a good hint and patronize
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
If you can roll the ball straight down
the alley without rolling off the alley we'll let
you roll all night. Try it at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
The Bell-Wether of fashion leads the
sheep at the call of the shepherd to the home
of good men's furnishings. That's at
F. A. SHEPARD
As long as
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
You can be sure of the best of meals and
satisfaction in every way. We serve to please
and are pleased to serve Aggie men.
Meals at all hours.
If you've got a sweet-tooth, sharpen it
up on our crackers, cookies, and confectionery.
THE GRANGE STORE
Our new styles in footwear have just come
in. Come early and avoid the rush and look
over our stock. It's worth while.
BOLLES' Shoe Store
Don't forget that we've got the very ties,
shirts, and furnishings that you and all
well-dressed men want.
CAMPION
If you can read, then you have need to
visit our store to get what you require.
We won't charge you anything if you wear
out our threshold.
Amherst Book Store
"I'm satisfied — couldn't be better," is the
way all the fellows express themselves after
having their pictures taken here. Visit my
studio and let me show you the quality of
my work.
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answAiing advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
AR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, MARCH 26, 1915
NO. 19
SEEN AND HEARD AT EDDIE'S
Scene — Buck's Cafe
Hero —
Hooperup, the Handsome Waiter
Minor Characters —
Miscellaneous Bums
Time— 6 P. M.
Enter — Bilious Bummer Bradley.
Seats himself down in a clamly
fashion and with a dignified air
utters in a protudinous voice, "Waiter,
bring me some chicken croquettes."
"Fowl ball," shouts our hero
Hooperup, through the rat hole.
Enter — A highly esteemed gentle-
man, alias Capillus Boiar in disguise
of a protozoan.
Struts about as if he owns the
place, then suddenly he throws him-
self vociferously in a nearby chair,
and whispers in the ear of our illus-
trious hero, "Bring me a glass of
milk."
Our waiter hastened up to the hole
and with a gleeful voice yelps to the
kitchen scullions, "Let's all in."
But alas 'tis sad but true, our
hero's voice has tingled outside of
its boundaries and has reached the
ears of a popular stage artist, Sir
Buts Burlesque if you please. He seats
himself down in a lordly fashion and
because of his tipping ability is
waited on immediately. "I will have
a glass of milk too," without giving
our illustrious hash slinger a chance
to ask him what he wished.
"Who left the door open," is now
heard uttered by some of the bean
eaters. But dear reader you will be
glad to know that a prominent
social lion has entered upon the scene.
I won't keep this a secret but will
let you in on it. This individual
hails from the notable burg called
Turners Falls by some, and by others
who know the place "Little Germany."
He calls himself Puffer Sawdust but
we recognize him as the "Social
Lion." He sways in a lazy fashion to
his customary stall and lounges him-
self in the chair nearby.
"Frankfurts and sauerkraut, good
and hot," he yells to our oilcloth
wiper.
"Two Fido's and a bale of hay,"
shouts our hero, "and let 'em sizzle."
Thus the scene finished for our
guests' appetites have been utterly
put to rout by the feed which the
King of Them All is throwing into his
bread basket.
OUR HERO AT M. A. C.
(The only story in existence as tedious
as "The Perils of Pauline")
Chapter H
With his 10 o'clock lunch wrapped
in a leaf from his "Manual of Guard
Duty," our hero is once more in our
midst on the campus. He felt very
proud of himself for here he had
alread^^ been away from home for a
whole week and he was not in the least
bit home-sick. Well, you wouldn't
be either if your prep, school had
been the Concord Reform School.
He remembered well his prep, school
song which was much like one of our
own — "Crash thru the line boys,
battle down the guards." (Watchmee
himself, had escaped the reform school
guard to the tune of this song).
That night instead of attending his
"Night Shirt Parade" as every polite
freshman should, Eujust decided
that he should keep a date with his
beloved, Cleo Patrick, the unknown
'Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Sid" Masse, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Pat" Patterson, Associate and Dept. Editor
"Ike" Moore, . . . Business Manager
"Gibby" Perry
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
belle of Amherst. Eujust was no differ-
ent from any freshman. They all ex-
perience the thrilling love of the town
dames until they learn better. Well,
anyhow, Cleo was different from the
rest of the girls of the town. The
college had offered her a job as
stenographer of Grinnell Arena, so
that she could be nearer young
Watchmee. Mr. Sauchelli, a noble
senior, had suggested that the Arena
be used as a dance hall for Informals
so that such men as Dick Sears,
Ben Sanders and such species, co:;ld
kick up more dust and perform the
Dutch Roll more safely than in the
other barn. Therefore, Cleo lost her
chance to become the dashing stenog.
of Grinnell Arena and keep account of
the saucy prehistoric weddings, etc.,
at the Select Parties.
Recklessly Eujust Watchmee drew
his sweetheart into Adams' Drug
Store so that he could dissipate in an
orange phosphate at one of the tables
and be far from the public gaze of the
Blind Men's Union and other heavy
batters of the third team who might
chance to enter.
"Sweetheart," he murmured dur-
ing a gargle of the phosphate, "lend
me a dime and we shall order up
another drink."
"Aw, take yer elbow off me gum.
yu ninny," answered the companion
of our hero. (Cleo lived on the
Aggie Gold Coast ever since her
childhood days, and had, therefore,
fallen into the same drift of speech
that the Gold Coasters used).
Strange enough, Eujust Watchmee
found it unnecessary to borrow any
money from his fair one, for he was
right within reach of the cash register
and the occupants and employees of
the store were at this moment care-
fully watching how the new stamp-
machine worked with a plugged nickel.
Just then our hero decided that he
had better take a little walk for Prof.
Hicks had entered and told Watch-
mee he could not get any credit for
Physical Education by exchanging
love pats and coos, so our scene
changes.
Note — Keep you eye on this spot
until our next number and note the
scene change.
We wonder if James T. Nicholson
is responsible for this little addition
under his ofhce hours :
The members of the faculty and
Prexy may see. me by special appoint-
ment provided the matter is of especial
importance.
HALL OF SHAME
If there's one man we pity that's
Caldwell. If "Bones" don't make
any more profit on his papers than the
WAR CRY has made on the last few
issues, he is a martyr to journalism.
This is not an ad. for "Bones" or a
cry for help from us, but if you want
the WAR CRY to exist buy your own
paper and stop reading someone
else's.
The Ways and Means Committee
may consider putting an extension
on the Waiting Station.
'Every Blow Above the Belt'
The food in the Hash House is
improving. A new gravy with less
beef has been added to the menu.
We haven't hit your salle de mange
for so long a time that we couldn't
resist this one, Harry.
Babbitt, '17, don't believe in fussing
this week nor last week.
HEALTH RULES FOR APRIL
1. To show your strength of mind,
go without a hat even on the coldest
days.
2. Discard your sweater, remark-
ing, "Why, this is spring weather."
3. Never hesitate at getting your
feet wet. It's a sign of hardiness (also
foolhardiness) .
4 Upon contracting a cold, sneeze
and cough as much as possible among
your friends. Why suffer alone?
5 Before retiring at night see that
the window is shut perfectly tight.
Nothing is more harmful than breath-
ing pure air.
6 By staying out in the April
showers you can do away with the
curse of the basement shower baths.
7 Plaisted is forever putting his
foot in it. Therefore, don't sleep
with your mouth open.
8 As Prexy says, go out for
baseball. Remember Lincoln (not
Abe) had never been out for debating
before he came to M. A. C.
9 Last but not least — Don't kick
this month (April). Many a good toe
has been ruined the first of April.
DANCING LESSONS
NO. L, UOY^ TO DO THE FOX
TROT
Setting your mattress up for a
dummy, casually approach same and
fling yourself at it. Try to secure a
Half Nelson hold and without knock-
ing the table lamp over or breaking
the furniture hop on the left foot
while the right foot is being rubbed
with liniment by an assistant. You
are now ready to Fox trot.
A HINT TO THOSE MAJORING
IN ANIMAL HBSUANDRY
Heard in a downtown Butcher Shop
"Mr. Cleaver, how do you account
for the fact that I found a piece of
rubber in one of the sausages I bought
last week?"
"My dear madam, that only goes
to show that the automobile is
replacing the horse everjrwhere."
FRESHMEN SKIP THIS
PARAGRAPH
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•jwoqs B JO pui>i :}.SB9| gq^. s:i.9S 9i{ jj
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9iqs9Jj '3
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Those who have not secured their
letter in track had better go in
training immediately for we have our
doubts as to whether most of us will
be able to go home to-day. Brooks,
"The Railroad Magnet," wants to
run his train when we prefer to run.
We hope dear reader, that you are
at least in the pink of condition,
for it's a long way to dear old "Bean
Town."
Serex, lecturing in Chem. 4: "This
group is the most difficultest one that
you will have." Good chance for a
little missionary work by the English
Department.
"Gee, that's a good smelling cigar; where'd
you get it?"
"At the Aggie Apothecary."
ADAMS DRUG STORE
You can't have a look-in on any good time
unless your eye-sight is O. K. You better see
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
It is hard to be pressed for five dollars, but
Scottie can press your suit for fifty cents.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
It isn't safe to be in Berlin but it's safe to
eat at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular Dinners and Suppers, Special
Breakfasts
One man in every seven is hurt in a rail-
road accident during the year; don't take a
chance on Brooks' Special Train but get
insured now with
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
Let _a_ real Barber cut your hair now instead
of waiting until three months is up to see
your Barber at home.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
The place to get breakfast when you miss
chapel. Everything in the line of eats.
COLLEGE STORE
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
"Comfort" never spells "extravagance,"
but "satisfaction." You are always sure of
comfort and satisfaction at a reasonable
price at
RAHAR'S INN
Will the Boss send for You, when the better
job is open? This isn't a correspondence
school ad, but it means that the boss will
expect jou to be neat and v/ear such men's
furnishings as can be had only at
A, T. GALLUP, Inc.
292. 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
Spring would be a weary season, if it wasn't
for the swell clothes and men's furnishings
to be had at
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
If you can get three strikes called on you
on a Bowling Team, you needn't think of a
strike in Baseball. Strike out at
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
A fellow with ill-fitting clothes is like a
fellow who puts a "Packard" sign on a "Ford"
car. Get fitted right by getting your furnish-
ings at
F. A. SHEPARD
You can rest assured that there will be no
quarrel or misunderstanding between your
teeth and your stomach if you eat your meals
at
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
Get a box of our confectionery to enjoy on
the Special Train when going home this
vacation. It's cheaper in the end and the best
THE GRANGE STORE
Get your shoes at Bolles, the price never
bowls you over. It's a chance of a lifetime.
BOLLES' Shoe Store
Stands alone — in a class by himself —
always satisfying, never disappointing. Best
of Goods — Best Workmanship.
CAM PBON
'Whistle" Woolley, '16, Agent
Read, and with your reading get under-
standing, so that when you read this you may
learn that the Best of Fiction and Stationery
Supplies can be had at the
Amherst Book Store
Seniors! You can find satisfaction and the
best prices for your pictures at this studio.
Come in and talk it over and you'll not go
elsewhere.
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Gry"
AY WAR CRY
VOL. I
FRIDAY, MAY 7, 1915
NO. 20
NINETEEN-ATE-TEEN
The Freshman president raised his
hoary face out of the bowl of noodle
soup and breathed for air. He looked
around and concluded that these
bearded youths were actually his
classmates who had assembled for a
feed after having evaded the 1917
man-eating crew. There was a horri-
ble smell of rubber in the hall which
was found to be due to some of the
Freshmen getting hot under the
collar because it was rumored the
Sophs had not sent any congratu-
lations. Some of the men had already
become famous, busts being made of
them by a few ferocious Sophs.
There had been quite a barbeque in
the banquet room when the Chinese
cook was seen to have had a haircut.
There were at least a dozen Fresh-
men that had a shave and one man
had stopped to use his napkin during
the meal. The fact that some of the
men wore a rapt expression was due
to the fact that they had come in
with a terrible bundle (clothes?).
After the President had obtained the
attention of the fellows he exclaimed,
"Classmates, we have won a glorious
victory, which — " But just at that
moment he fell asleep with the rest
of the class. They had only walked
35 or more miles.
QUESTION HERE SOPHOMORE
F. O. B.
If it takes an ostrich three seconds
to eat a cement sandwich, how long
would it take a woodpecker with
a glass eye to bore a hole in a hole
through a piece of hash house pie.
THE HAND THAT MOST OF US
HOLD
surely
Last night I held a little hand,
So dainty and so neat,
I thought my heart would
break.
So wildly did it beat.
No other hand unto my soul
Can greater solace bring,
Than that one which I held last night,
Four aces and a kin2:!
TICKLING LOVE TAPS FROM
SUZI
(Why girls leave home)
Soph. — "Say, Freshie, got anything
in your head that bites?"
Indignant Freshie — "Of course
not."
Soph. — "Better see your dentist,
kid."
THE AVIATOR
Little drops in water,
Little drops on land.
Make the aviator
Join the heavenly band.
Look what
rone DRY.
he misses — 'Hamp's
Amherst Farmer — "My wife kisses
me evenings when I arrive home from
'Hamp late."
N eighbor — ' ' I n vestigation ? ' '
Farmer — "No, it's affection now."
Why was Eve created?
For Adam's Express Company.
'* Every Knock a Boost
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
The War Cry announces the board that will
take up the work from now on. We can
safely guarantee that these men will put out
War Crys that will be the best possible and
we hope all the fellows in college will help
to support the paper and help these fellows
to put out a humorous paper that will be the
equal of that of any other college. We know
these fellows can "deliver the goods' as their
work in the competition recently run, was of
the best nature possible. The board is as
follows:
"Fritz" Larson, . . . Editor-in-Chief
"Flooi.e" Buckman, Asso. and Dept. Editor
"Bingo" Jones, . . Business Manager
"Hopeful!" Warren,
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tahhy.
Well, here we are again, after a
leave of absence of over a month.
We are about to play the role of the
oft-mentioned "Come-back." Receive
us with open arms and we are yours
for three cents.
For a year at least, one old joke
can be said no more. It used to be
a common remark, "What were you
doing on the last car last night,
Bart Ender?" The last battle was
fought April 30th so we were told,
even the Prohibition Club and the
Y. M. C. A. being represented.
The crepe now hangs on the door of
Dickey's.
ORNITHOLOGICAL
The vnie of a certain man has been
married three tim.es. Her maiden
name was Partridge, her first hus-
band was named Robbins, her second
Sparrow, the present Quale. There
are now two young robins, one sparrow
and quales. One grandfather was a
Swan, and another a Jay, but he's
dead now and a bird of Paradise,
Canary Island, and the one who wrote
this is a Lyre.
SAD— BUT— TRUE
Mrs. Swordfish didn't raise her
boy to be a soldier or a sailor either,
so instead of sending young Sword-
fish to West Point she sent him to
Aggie, of which General Boyer had
blown so much about. The youth
detested drill, claiming that it bored
him, his father being a carpenter.
Just for spite, young Swordfish drilled
his worst each year, used up his cuts,
and fell asleep whenever the com-
mand "Parade Rest" was given.
Until time camic around for his
Junior year, sad to relate the boy
was made a first lieutenant with the
rest of the officers. From a true,
experience.
Almost any of the Profs, will agree
that the Twilight Sleep is a fine
thing, but they don't like the way it is
practised in class-rooms by some of
the fellows.
The Juniors had a close vote on
their "Wet vs. Dry" Junior tree
planting, 45 to 43 in the favor of the
"wets." From what we heard of
the affair (and we ought to know)
some of the "drys" were just bashful
at their previous class-meeting for
they represented the Siege of Booze
Rum by drowning out some of the
so-called "wets."
A NEW ARRIVAL
Harry Lauder, Houdini, and other
notable characters of the same type
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
paid us a visit in the person of Scotty
the sailor, the champion rope tier of
Bonny Scotland. Even the Mighty
Curran was foiled in the attempt
to tie "Scotty" so he couldn't release
himself. Scotty would sure be a good
president for the Freshmen Class dur-
ing the banquet season.
A Sophomore during a promenade
with a Smith girl made this remark:
Freshmen caretaker — Did you
see those autos skid?
Smith Blonde — Sir, how dare
you call me that?
SPEAK PLAINLY
'There was a little lawyer man
Who gently smiled as he began
Her dear dead husband's will to scan.
And thinking of his coming fee.
He said to her quite tenderly
You have a nice fat "legacy."
Next morning as he lay in bed
With plasters on his broken head.
He wondered what in h — he'd
said."
HOWJA HIT THE QUIZ?
The man who got 90: "Gee, wot
a pipe! I reckon I nailed that for
a high one. 'N I didn't bone for it
neither — all you gotter do is use
your bean."
The man who got 70: "Some
quiz! Nothin' much hard about it,
but it sort of got yer goat. I'd have
had a hundred only " etc., etc.
The man who flunked: "Well, I
ain't no crabber but that's what I
call a raw deal. Nothin' in it but
memory work — gotter learn the whole
book or else yuh get stepped on.
What the heck does that prof, think
he's givin' us?"
THERE IS A MAN
There is a man who never drinks
Nor smokes, nor chews, nor swears;
Who never gambles, never flirts
And shuns all sinful snares —
He's Paralyzed.
There is a man who never does
A thing that is not right;
His wife can tell just where he is
At morning, noon and night —
He's Dead!
Soph to unsuspecting Fresh — Look
here you mut, you want to keep your
eyes open around here.
Frosh — Why?
Soph — They'll think you are crazy
if you go around with them closed.
Wallie Dodge, trying to kid a girl:
"Oh yes, I have a lot of pigs to take
care of. Have to feed them three
times a day,. . . .etc."
Probably Wallie was thinking of
his job in the Lunch Room.
WHAT WE HAVE COME TO
SINCE MAY 1
Little drops of water.
Little grains of sand,
Make a dandy cocktail
For a thirsty man.
IF THE SHORES OF THE CON-
NECTICUT ONLY HAD EARS
Senior — "I would kiss you if you
were not in a canoe."
She — "Sir! I wish to be taken ashore
at once."
When that tired feeling comes over you,
just run into the "Aggie Apothecary" and
have a cool drink or a college ice.
ADAMS DRUG STORE
You'll never get more than one pair of
eyes so have your eyes examined by
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
Now is the time to get out your white
flannels and your summer togs and have
SCOTTIE put a knife-blade crease in them.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
You're sure to get the best for your money
when you eat at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
Regular Dinners and Suppers, Special
Breakfasts
You'll never get sick from eating heartily
of good food. That's why it is best to eat at
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
It is hard to study these days, so why not
use up your cuts in Barberology.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
Mr. I. Scream Cohen will be pleased to
meet all the students at the
COLLEGE STORE
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
Now that college is drawing to a close, it is
best to enjoy a few more good meals at the
"Home of good feeds."
RAHAR'S INN
It's time now to buy your summer clothes.
We have the best line of men's furnishings,
such as v>^hite flannels, negligees, caps, etc.,
to be had anywhere.
A, T. GALLUP, Inc.
293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
We won't invite you to drop in here because
we would rather have you remain on your
feet while purchasing. We offer a variety
in shirts, ties, suits, etc., that will prove to
you that Sanderson & Thompson's is the
Spice of life.
For an hour or two of good fun in the
coolest place in Amherst there's no place like
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
You can spend your money as you please'
but if you want to spend it to please yourself,
visit
F. A. SHEPARD
Now that Holyoke offers more oppor-
tunities than 'Hamp, it is wise to spend your
good times at
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
Get an easy chair, a good book, and a
pound of our best crackers and you'll be
able to spend a good evening. |-
THE GRANGE STORE
It is time to discard the over-shoes and
high-boots and buy a pair of the best low
shoes to be had for money.
BOLLES' Shoe Store
I
If you are not insured yet it is time that
you had a talk with Barlow. Wooden
overcoats are not going to be the style this
year.
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
Practice economy, not by buying cheap
books, but by buying good books cheap at the
Amherst Book Store
The best place to have pictures taken is at
the place where the most care and skill in
workmanship is used, that's at
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
In answering advertisements, please mention the "War Cry"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
VOL. II
FRIDAY, MAY 14, 1915
NO. 1
Don'ts to the Visiting Neophytes
DON'T get delirious if you see great
numbers of men walking around
with black cheese cloth thrown about
their bodies and a pecular hat on
their heads. They are not under-
takers nor mourners. They are
absolutely harmless and have but
this one bit of covering for protection.
Speak to them as you would your
own father.
DON'T start up from your table
in the Hash House and rush out of
the door if you see the eats flying
around in the air about you. Your
potatoes may get cold and if your
coffee is strong enough it will run
away.
DON'T run down the street in
your pajamas or your night dress, if
something like the sound of wild
Indians comes to your ears. It is
only the Varsity Marble Team prac-
ticing on the floor above. Besides
the night is liable to be chilly.
DON'T faint at any uprising. It
is much more difficult to take care of
yourself when unconscious.
DON'T make too many ac-
quaintances with the feminine sex
during your stay, for there are hardly
enough to go the rounds as it is.
Better wait until you become a Fresh-
man. Then opportunities are plenti-
ful. Not so Brethren?
DON'T offer to pay any car fares
while you are riding in our illustrious
"Baby Carriages." Let your escort
pay, we are all floating with money
up here.
BUT CHOOSE "OLD AGGIE"
AS YOUR FEATURE ALMA
MATER, then you will appreciate
a few of these DON'TS.
The Friday War Cry
Minus the preliminaries of blowing
of trumpets and sounding of symbols
the first number of the second volume
of the War Cry makes its first appear-
ance on the campus under the leader-
ship of the new board. We sincerely
hope that it is accorded one of the
heartiest receptions ever tendered
the paper by the student body. We
shall endeavor to merit the good
opinions of the fellow students and
to do our utmost in producing a paper
which shall be humorous and at the
same time equal a similar paper of
any other college.
But in our endeavors we desire
that the fellows not only support the
paper financially but hand in any
humorous articles as well as short
stories. Therefore show a little co-
operation with us, for "A good laugh
makes us better friends with ourselves
and everybody around us."
Let us therefore, dedicate this
issue to High School Day, and show
the visiting neophytes that M. A. C.
is a college and the only college on
the map.
If you have one laugh lurking some-
where inside after you have read this
copy — the next number will surely
get it. Don't forget! Better have
your three cents ready for the next
number.
Our last word is — Don't worry
about the old fashioned man who
used to burn midnight oil studying
books and now has a son who burns
midnight gasoline studying girls but
do a little reading in the War Cry
to your friend in the colleges "over
yonder." There is more than one way
to be able to stand in right With het".
'Every Knock a Boost'*
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
"Fritz" Larson, . . Editor-in-Chief
"Flooie" Buckman, Asso. and Dept. Editor
"Bingo" Jones, . . Business Manager
"Hopefull" Warren
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
Dope
Fellow nickle chasers and P. A.
Butt Snipers, including members of
the Phili-loo-loo and Pelican Clubs,
I have arrived. You ask, who I
am? and how did I drift into this
burgh. Well, coming down to potato
pie, I am the guy who's come to
put the "War" in the War Cry.
But before continuing any further, I
think it best to kind of get a little
confidence in you, my Pelican Gobbers.
So I will tell you how I came and
what I didn't see. I arrived last night
on the Knickerbocker Freight, and
lustily, but softly fell off at the C. V.
station. I started up that lively
thoroughfare and soon my eyes were
dazzled by the great white way in
the center of the town. The first
thing I hit was the beef trust, which
appeared in person as the Cheese of
Police. I inquired from him where
I could locate the headquarters of
the 'War Cry." He directed
me precisely but "dear reader." I
could not continue any further for
my old carcass was on its last leg and
needed winding up, so I permiscuously
stepped into a nearby cafe. Now,
then I threw a few beans into my
gullet, which I could almost hear
running a race down my oesophagus
and making a final dash for my
bread basket. I soon filled up my
vacant tenement and as I was about
to depart, a nimble neophyte came
in, to whom I was introduced to as
my employer. We immediately pro-
ceeded to the headquarters and now
that I am located, before going any
further I want to give you all the
glad hand and offer you the privilege
of bed and board with me as long
as I hold this job. Furthermore as
I want to get in right, I offer to your
approval a can of P. A. which will
stand on my desk, and can be used
more frequently or less so.
Now then, amorous asses, I will
open a column in the War Cry known
as "Light Handouts" and I am at
your disposal to answer all questions.
If your razor is dull, be sure that the crease
in your trousers may serve in its place.
Therefore patronize Scottie.
Hooper— The Red Light Shop
The King is Dead. Long Live
Queen Lulu Fado
"Who killed King Tango?"
"I," said the Cheap Sport. "I did
it with coarse exhibitions and my
offensive vulgarity. I killed King
Tango."
"Who saw him die?"
"I," said the Willie. "I saw him
die."
"Who caught his blood?"
"Not I," said the Mount Holyoke
girl, "for the fact is I was not at all
sorry that the beastly creature ex-
pired, and I quite refused to ease his
moribund agony. ....."
"Who'll make his shroud?"
"I," said the Smith damsel. "I'll
smile engagingly and I'll weep dis-
tressfully and I'll make his shroud."
"Who'll toll the bell?"
"We," cried Livermore Hank and
**Every Blow Above the Belt**
Pussy Foot. "We'll toll the bell
because he is a jolly good fellow and
has a rotten bad reputation. We'll
toll the bell."
Then everyone assembled for the
, funeral obsequies, although there was
' more or less doubt as to whether
i King Tango was really dead at all ;
afterwards they held a dansant where
the Gaby Glide and the Fishcake
Flop were seen in all their glory, and
nobody went home until morning.
Don't let the Hash House starve you over
Sunday night, but try a special Supper for
two "bits" at
Bias & Phillips
1 MAIN ST.
The Sins of Our Fathers
The corner stone of the old Chem.
Lab .was just about to laid. "As I ded-
licate this here noble edifice," wheezed
the speaker of the occasion, "my
heart swells with pride and my liver
is distended with joy and prune pie.
As the students of future years trip
lightly to this happy realm of test-
tubes and H2S, they will bless the
memory of you and me, particularly
me. May this building be sacred to
■the cause of science, to the glory of
Texas and the suffocation of Fresh-
men."
Little he recked how his fondest
wishes would be fulfilled.
I Every suit is different and made to fit the
[man — we do not force the man to fit the suit.
Just come in when you're ready, our Spring
and Summer materials are all here.
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
Our Hero at M. A. C.
(Continued, and maybe forgotten)
Our hero, Eujust Watchmee, had
not favoured our beautiful "Adgye"
Icampus very long, before he noticed
that the Legion of Fussers headed by
Cunny Blough and Fud Bisher knew
where things were doing. Of a late
summer evening in the fall, they would
don their blazers (at least Cunny
did), and their Transparent Trousers,
pay their six cents, and come home at
midnight blowing about "the time"
they had had. The worst of it was
that the Campus heard about it for
two weeks after.
Eujust had a loving one at home,
but like all the rest, he thought he
could get away with it on the Wilds
of Dippy Hill or the steps of the
Pepper box. So he accosted the
Veteran at the game, who was none
other than our friend, Eddie Selkregg.
Sell knew a good thing when he saw
it, so our hero asked him for a knock
down. That is not the way most of
our freshmen meet the Fluffs — usually
the Informal Com. is looking for trade,
and offers to be the go-between.
But Watchmee was different. (So
is this story).
The Best Hunting Ground, thought
our hero, was Across the River; so
he hired Louis Picard's best Car for
the paltry sum of Twelve Cents.
The car was crowded with fifteen or
more seniors standing, but an Upper
Classman ordered a sophomore to
dust off his seat, which he then offered
to Watchmee. Our hero grasped his
meaning, as well as the opportunity
and took the Load Off His Feet.
Our Hero, with a saving grace
boarded a Schooner Coming across the
Bar as soon as he had alighted from
the car. No, Gentle Reader, Hamp
is not a sea cost town. Far from it.
Even the Ocean Breezes are dry there.
Neither was it According to Hoyle to
Carry On the way he did, but he
Thought he knew how to impress
Her from Moscow, Pa. A Bunch of
the Girls were grouped about the
"Every Knock a Boost"
Reception Room, or rather Torture
Chamber,of the House as our hero and
his Escort entered. They soon left,
however. All they wanted was to
see Who It Was. They were dis-
appointed, because they all knew
Selkregg. Eujust Watchmee made
great headway That Night. Before
they Went Back to the House, they
were engaged — to take supper to-
gether Some Night at the Sign of
the Retired Pirate.
Eujust had a wonderful Line, and
made Fud Bisher angry next Morning
by telling about His Girl. Fud
thought the only one who had a Right
To Talk about such things was
Himself. Eujust wanted an Informal
right away, so he told Lanny Dewis
to Decorate the Hall and Order the
Music. Lanny was game, but the
Student Body was not and there
Arose Strife. Nevertheless, they Had
One, and Charged the Sheep two
Bones, to make up the Deficit. It is
needless to say that both Hank Lincoln
and Bill Saville was there.
Not long after, our hero was asked
by Captain Alert Main to Come Out
For the rifle team. He told him that
they were going to shoot with the
University of Washington in two
weeks, and that they needed Our
Hero's help. A trip to the State of
the Giant Redwood looked good to
Eujust Watchmee, so he decided to
make the team. Like all true heros,
ours had no especial love for his new
Alma Mater to tempt him, but the
trip sure did Look Good. In our
next, we will try to tell our Faith-
ful Readers how the Popular Hero
made good, or didn't as we feel.
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
According to the Cape Cod Inde-
pendent, a much-harassed farmer'
on the Cape posted the following ■
notice : ,
"Notis Trespassers will be prose- {
cuted to the ful extent of 2 mongrulJ
dogs whitch aint never been overly '
soshule to strangers and 1 double- j
bad shot gun whitch aint loaded withl
sofypillars, dam if aint gettin tired I
of this hel-raisin on my property.";
It is peculiar that the sophomores ■
found the same attitude on the part;i
of the inhabitants of Sunderland.*
Watch for "notices" in the Hampden i
County League Adviser. - 'i
Tess — Does Annette use cold cream?
Bess — Yes, she puts it on to keep the chaps j
away.
Antidote, Buy a box of Liggett's Chocolates t
and she will refrain from using it. Seej
"Shorty" at ;
ADAMS DRUG STORE !
j
"Mrs. John — and family, of Msyj
street, wish to express their gratitude i
and thanks to those who assisted in |
their late bereavement of the late i
John — . Also those who sent flowers
and the singers."
— Hays Corners Record.
At that, the singers might have
forgotten to go, if some kind soul had
not sent them.
We have but two eyes to see the Chapel j
Clock, and if these fail you had better have
them examined by i
O. T. DEWHURST (Formerly Pearl's) I
201 Main St., Northampton j
^ — • I
A Greenfield merchant advertises !
a "full line of skirts and waists."
That's nothing, every back yard in
Amherst has one on Monday morning.
Why go away down town to leave your
hair for future use in making matresses,
when you can depart with it right here in
North Dorm.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
"Every Blow Above the Belt'*
Woman 91, Growing New Strands
of Golden Tresses
— Boston American.
Not so wonderful as the way
"Loose" did it at 19.
Don't wait until your socks stick on the
wall when you throw them at it, before you
get a new pair. Come and look over our new
spring stock.
CAMPION, The Haberdasher
About the Campus
"I hear that we have a new Prof,
in Gardening."
"What's his name?"
"Oh, 'Carrots'."
John D. Rockefeller gives $10,000 for the
protection of the college man's soul. Get
yours repaired with modern machinery at
J. GINSBURG
11 AMITY ST.
Of Interest to 1917 Professors
(Too true to be Sad)
Time — During the Banquet Season.
Place — Sunderland .
Characters — Two Sophomores.
Chorus — A few Kids.
Soph, to the Kid — Have you seen
any students around here?
Kid to the Soph. — No.
Soph, (endeavoring to find out if
the kids knew what a student was, he
asked) — Do we look like students?
Kid to Soph. — Of course not, you're
Sophomores.
If you wish silken ties and silken hose.
And silken handkerchiefs to blow your nose,
If you wish for these and many other things.
Visit F. A. Shepard for he's the King.
One of the greatest comedians of
the country visited the college and
kindly informed the comedians in
our production that they needed no
make up whatsoever. Less cost for
paint and funny faces for Nick, but
very discouraging to his comedians
H and M in future chances
of getting married.
Fannie's fetching fishballs for the Freshmen,
Gaby's gargling goldfish for the Soph's,
Olive's opening oysters for the Seniors,
And Jennie's juggling juleps for the Juniors.
Don't miss the fun and the eats at
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
It is a wonder that a few of us are
not laid up, after passing through
such a rough Banquet season. New
ideas for future Banquet Season's
rules are expected from our fair
Co-eds.
If you have so much to do that it makes
your head swim to think of it, then don't do
it. But get a feed at the
BERLIN RESTAURANT
The Solid? Column
The Why's, the Where's and the
Wherefore's.
To prove a rotten potato is a
Bee Hive.
Proof:
A rotten potato is a Spec — tator.
A Spec — tator is a Be — holder.
And a Be — holder is a Bee — hive.
Q. E. D.
To prove a ton of coal is a colored
man.
Proof:
A ton of coal is a weight.
A weight is a short pause.
A short pause is a short-stop.
A short stop is a ball player.
A ball player is a fowl catcher.
A fowl catcher is a colored man.
Q. E. D.
We, like Germany, Want a Place in the
Sun. (Even if Northampton is dry.)
Try our delicious Strawberry Short-Cake.
RAHAR'S INN
''Every Knock a Boost"
Has It Happened to You
"Going to the Sophomore-Senior
Hop."
"Sure. You?"
"Yep, got a dance?"
"Yeh, what one do you want?"
"Oh, how about the eleventh?"
"Taken; have you got the six-
teenth open?"
"That's all right."
"Oh, by the way who are you
taking?"
"Me; I'm a stag. And you?"
"So'm I."
DON'T TALK WAR
Let Barlow tell you something about an
insurance policy.
Who knows, you may be a dead one tomorrow
Therefore, do me the favor, don't be long,
But get insured.
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank.
Terrible, horrible! What an awful
crime has happened in Northampton.
The newspapers shriek with the gory
headlines. Someone breaks into
Dickey Rahar's and paints on the
mirror in front of the bar, BUTTER-
MILK 5 cents a GLASS.
Have you just the picture you want to
give her?
Have you arranged for your Fraternity
picture? We can rush an order for you.
High Grade Photographs
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
The Yellow Band; or From New
York to San Francisco by Freight
This enticing serial may be seen
on the films of any up-to-date moving
picture house from San Francisco
to New York, hence the title — .
— Editor's Note.
It was a hot, midsummer day in
Galveston, Texas. It was also mid-
summer in Pelham. A jitneybus came
racing down the street. It was racing
with its exhaust, which was so strong
that it insisted on getting ahead of
the car. A passing glimpse into the
car would have revealed Sheerluck
Burns, or as he spelt it when dis-
guised, Beerluck Shurns. He was
wrapt in thought. Fortunately, he
also had other clothes on. At a signal
from the passenger, the jitneybus
swerved around a corner and dashed
down a side street. Just before a
low-lying house next to a disreputable
looking saloon, it stopped, the jitney,
that is.
Sheerluck leaped to the sidewalk,
and with one bound was inside the
house. Fifteen minutes later, the
doors of the saloon opened, and an
evil-looking tramp burst onto the
landscape and proceeded to clean up
the sidewalk. He was none other
then Sheerluck Burns in disguise!
He picked himself up and walked
around the corner until he was away*
from the street and outside of the
sight of the street. Then he boarded
the jitney once more. Just then, as
he saw Sheerluck get in, a heavily
built man came out of the house on
the other side from the saloon,
swinging a dinner pail. He was also
disguised, because he usually carried
his in a bag, a la hash house. The
stranger hurried down the street,
and just then Sheerluck comes from
behind the corner in his rear. Wonder-
ful Sheerluck had had presence of
mind enough to drive around the
block just after he left the saloon!
Now he is in position to track the Great
Mystery. The G. M. hastens at a
moderate pace, down the street.
He hurries into a book store, buys
a copy of the "House of Seven Gables"
and reads it through as he passes out
of the shop. Beerluck, true to his
name, has taken the opportunity
"Every Blow Above the Belt"
to stick true to his disgusted name,
and comes out of a Life Saving
Station just as the G. M. comes out
of the shop. However, Sheerluck is
wiping the back of his hand ofif with
hisHps. The G. M. hastens down the
street once more, with old Sheerluck
tagging along behind. Finally, the
former darts in the doorway of a large,
quiet-looking house.
Sheerluck used his ingenuity, and
"Entered on Probation." He found
himself in the cellar, and proceeded
to rummage around. There were a
number of large packing cases around
the room. They were all addressed
to a large company in South America.
Sheerluck had a very great suspicion
that they contained arms and am-
munition, and so opened one. His
surmise was only too true. He
emptied it, took a ham that had
been hanging near, and entered the
case. He pulled the top on after
himself, which goes to show how
really clever he is. Not long after,
an expressman came and hauled
the boxes away.
(To be continued)
Notice: The remainder of this
film which was taken at great expense
in South America, will be shown in
the near future.
Compliments of . . .
E. D. MARSH
Dear Light Handout:
I am very anxious to learn how to
dance, but I do not wish to pay any
money for the instruction. I have
tried dancing to street pianos and got
along very well, I thought, until one
day a fresh little son-of-a-gun pointed
at me and said "Oh Mother get a
monkey wrench father is a nut."
Can you tell me some expedient
method of learning the art for I would
like to take in the Sophomore-
Senior Hop. I am a bear with the
ladies and have all kinds of engage-
ments for the summer school dances.
— lamanut.
You are only one of the young
men that have asked me to advise
them on this subject. I will write
you a personal letter. Meanwhile
I would advise you to buy "Fatimas"
and save the moving picture booklets
enclosed. If possible see Sippy God-
win he may be able to teach you a
few steps.
Get all the supplies in your Athletic and
Fishing Major and a new line of Rods, Fish-
ing Tackle and Baseball Goods at
HASTINGS
Newsdealer and Stationer
First Simple Nimrod — Hey, don't
shoot! Your gun isn't loaded.
Second S. N. — Can't help it. The
bird won't wait. — Harvard Lampoon.
Don't let the blind lead you to bookless
libraries, but lead yourself to the store where
books are plentiful.
Amherst Book Store
Warning — Fresh Paint
The letter was freshly daubed
And the sign revealed the fact;
But the passers-by all had to try.
How fresh paint does attract!
A sign-painter's working across the
street.
His work is quite exact :
BUDWEIZER BEER IS SOLD
IN HERE
How fresh paint does attract!
As we sat in a corner behind the palms
I couldn't resist the act,
And I touched her lips with my —
finger tips.
How fresh paint does attract.
"Every Knock a Boost
After Reading the Issue
First Reader — I wonder what
courses the men who make up these
jokes are taking?
Second — Embalming ! — Siren.
A Note From the "Old Man"
Moses Wiseman, who owns our Building,
says his son at college saves him a lot of
money by trading at our store. Impossible
to duplicate our line of furnishings.
A. T. GALLUP, Inc.
293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
Medicine of Course
"I didn't know you got paid for
your vivisection work, Jim."
"What makes you think we do?"
"r overheard Jack say that Satur-
day night you opened the kitty for
five dollars. — Minnehaha.
A cow doesn't give condensed milk nor is a
cigarette nutritious, why not nibble on some
good cookies while studying.
THE GRANGE STORE
Swift Matrimony
First Stage Hand — What was the
row out front during the first scene,
Bill?
Second Stage Hand — The under-
study nursemaid got excited and
carried in the heroine's baby when
it wasn't due to appear until three
years later in the fourth act. — Punch
Bowl.
Did you ever bowl with cue sticks? Come
down and see our new imported game.
METCALF*S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
How
Dip — You should use opera glasses
to watch Annette Kellerman. You
can't see her very well with the
naked eye.
Dope — No, but you can see her
with the eye almost naked. — Jack
O'Lantern.
They are christening autos with beer, why
not cool off your oesophagus with an ice
cream cone.
COLLEGE STORE
Distressed Damsel — Oh sir, catch
that man! He wanted to kiss me.
Pensive Pedestrian — ^That's all
right. There'll be another one along
in a minute. — Williams Purple Co.
The Home Chocolate Pie
A Favorite Dining Place for Aggie Men
Eddie^s Columbia Cafe
Yankee — What makes the streets
of Boston so crooked?
Doodle — Let me smell your breath?
— Lampoon.
The dear little girl you left behind beckons
you to buy some college seal jewelry for her.
'' S. S. HYDE-Jeweler
An aged German and his wife were
much given to quarreling. One day,
after a particularly unpleasant scene,
the old woman remarked with a sigh :
"Veil, I vish I vas in heafen!"
"I vish I was in a beer-garden!"
shouted her husband.
"Ach ja," cried the old wife,
"always you try to pick out the best
for yourself!" — Everybody's.
We Moved in a Wheelbarrow, and are
prepared to sell you the best of Home Made
Candies, Ice Cream and Fruits.
COLLEGE CANDY KITCHEN
From the German
"Do you play chess?"
"Chess?"
"Chess."
"Chess."-
-Sun Dial.
Mr. I. Scream Cohen as well as Mrs. Aggie
College Ice are prepared to fill all spaces.
Mr. Peanut Bag is also on the job.
Amherst Fruit Store
I
THE FRIDAY WARC
VOL. II
FRIDAY, MAY 21, 1915
NO. 2
The Lu-Lu Bird Says:
Do me the favor, don't be long.
Has Buttrick roped you in? How
many?
We should study maps.
Aren't we attending a co-ed in-
stitution?
A man's hair is easily parted.
I've lived by the ocean all of my life
And the most beautiful sight by far
Is a mahogany sea — and coming at
me
A schooner across the bar.
It is all wight now.
My boy Vermer can plow as
straighter furrur as any on 'em.
My boy Vermer he got a b — oil-
Osceola, King of the Seminoles-
Take your time, George, take your
time.
Militarism Rampant
The first meeting of the Jingo Club
was held in the Unsocial Union
during Wednesday drill. Don Wil-
liams, worthy President and Most
Royal High Scazoosh, took the chair
amid thunderous applause, during
which the fall of a pin could have been
heard. "The first business of the
day," he observed as he cracked a
hickory nut with his gavel, "is to
vote on the following motion: 'Re-
solved, that Senior drill be made
compulsory, and Prof. Neal. elected
as assistant to the Commandant'."
There was a scuffling sound in
the rear of the room, as Gawk Plaisted
arose from a horizontal to an upright
position. "Worthy President," he
remorked in a ninety horse-power
whisper, "I move an amendment
reading, 'Be it further resolved that
all men over 6 feet high be barred
from the army, as they are too tall
to stand in the trenches'." There
was an approving murmur from Bud
Fisher, Ed Hill and Husky Suther-
land.
After a good deal of argument the
motion was about to be passed by a
unanimous majority vote, when the
well-known cheer leader, Tommy Har-
rocks, made himself heard. "Mr.
President," he chirped, "the time has
come for an expression of authority.
I protest against the tyranny of
Senior drill, also of Junior, Sophomore
and Freshman drill. The man who
has lived on the firing line at the
hash-house cannot be freezed by the
dull splosh of a dum-dum bullet.
The man who has survived Chem 2
cares nothing for the stench of noxious
gases. The man who has banquet-
scrapped with Hagelstein will not fear
the onrush of the Prussian grenadiers.
The man who. ..."
At this point the Jingo Club
adjourned to watch a game of pinochle
tennis, and the outcome of the
momentous motion will never be
known.
Mr. Rand: Now, just get these
fundamental ideas down in your head,
and you'll have it all in a nutshell."
" Every Knock a Boost"
THE FRIDAY WAR CRY
PUBLISHED EVERY FRIDAY
Single copy 3c. Subscription, 1 year, $1.00.
'Fritz" Larson, . . . Editor-in-Chief
'Flooie" Buckman, Asso. and Dept. Editor
'Dink" Jones, . . Business Manager
'Hopeful!" Warren,
Society and Circulating Editor
"Quid agis age Aggie." — Tabby.
Moments at the Courses
Agricultural Economics
The Professor trips lightly into the
room and navigates up to the desk.
He spends five breathless minutes
sorting over some papers, and looking
for something which he seems to
have lost. Finally he reaches up to
scratch his head in perplexity, and
there he finds the missing article.
It was his hat which he had forgotten
to remove. The Chapel bell rings.
Five minutes later, the first stragglers
come in. There is a murmur from
outside: "They're always crabbing
the course." The roll is called, six-
teen names being answered present, and
only fourteen in the room, unless we
count the prof, and a picture of
"Herve Riel." "Mr , how is
it that the status of winter wheat
makes an extractive industry out
of the Appalachian Plateau?" There
is a confused murmur in the room,
and the victim mumbles something.
"Very good."
A belated traveler sneaks in. The
prof, looks up in surprise. "I could
not find the bulletin you sent me for,
Professor, but she says it will pro-
bably be in in the morning." The
professor blinks, and nods. The
B. T. takes a seat amidst the admir-
ing glances of his classmates. The
prof, covers a board with several
columns of figures. "I have placed
here the figures showing the distri-
bution of the amount spent annually
for cigarettes in the United States.
They should total up to
$986,549,304,235.89. Let us see if
they do so." Five minutes work
shows that they come out 88 cents.
"There seems to be a difference here
of 1 cent." He consults several papers,
looks at the board in bewilderment,
and rubs his bald spot. Then he
looks through a little green book,
and then a red one. Somebody
asks: "Is that a '4' or an '8'?"
He points to a figure. The professor
tries to get his line of vision, and
after about five minutes, the pro-
fessor shows him that it is a "5."
He erases half the figures, and puts
them down again. This time, they
come $106,549.82 out of the way.
The prof, gasps, and takes a new hold
on his chalk. He covers two more
boards with figures and lines, and is
still sweating over the sum, when the
bell rings. He points to another
board :
"Over here, I have placed the
imports of the U. S. for the last
ten years. Kindly copy, tabulate,
index, and compare with the exports,
for next time." A groan goes up,
but the prof, is back at his sum.
Where PARAMOUNT Pictures are Shown
PLAZA THEATRE
Northampton
The Bell Has Rung! Don't be a "tail
ender," Buy Your Straw Hat Now. Follow
the crowd, Upperclassmen and Freshmen to
the "Store of Satisfaction."
SANDERSON & THOMPSON
"Every Blow Above the Belt'
The Hall of Shame
It was a sultry day in late Septem-
ber. The scene was the Phi Kappa
Phi Assembly, and on the scene was
the suffering Student Body. The
Speaker of the Occasion had just
risen with his white whiskers flowing
in the breeze from the potted palms,
and was about to wheeze out his
lullaby, when a voice piped up
from the freshmen:
"Would you Grant that Geb Perry
might look Fuller if he should Hyde
Smith and Lovejoy?"
A CURE FOR WHAT AILS YOU
There is a wizard's charm in the meal
that Dooley serves to you. Take a ride to
Holyoke and drop in and see him.
DOOLEY'S INN, Holyoke
From the musical comedy: The
Report (er) is that when the Plu
to-dancer plays that Little But trick
on Mattoon, Ed Hill will Rockaway
for a Good win.
Come in and have a Shave, Shampoo and
Haircut; then complete the job getting a
Shine, Shower-bath. We specialize in the
former.
COLLEGE BARBER SHOP
The Amherst and Sunderland St.
Railway has bought a new horse
car to run between here and South
Hadley Center, which they are going
to name after Fisher. Oh what we
know about you, Bud.
"HEAR YE, HEAR YE" COMMENCE-
MENT IS SOON HERE
Have your physiognomy taken before it
is too late. Patronize Home Industry and
see the High Grade Photographs.
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
"The annual Indoor Basketball
Tournament between classes at Smith,
closes this week. The Seniors now
lead, but if the Juniorz play the
Freshmen by the Sophomores before
the closing game and the Freshmen
meet the Juniors, and thheee osxz||
the Seniors play the Frekslzf the
champinship will be decided longg f
febore the If -2 Send."
— Boston American.
At that, they did not take into
consideration that Amherst may claim
the championship.
Some students eat to live, other live to eat.
We can please both "livers" and "eaters."
After June first all meals A la Carte.
BERLIN RESTAURANT
All Italy United
In War Cry
Rome Scene of Mighty
Demonstration by
All Classes.
—Post.
The classes here take the ''War
Cry rather quietly, though it is like
pulling teeth to get the three cents
out of some of them.
You can't do without us! You can't study
without books! And you can't afford to buy
anywhere but at the
Amherst Book Store
The voters buried Northampton, but Dickie
Rahar held his own. He still serves his good
feeds to the Aggie Men.
King Alcohol has left but
RAHAR'S INN
The Bloke : Were it not for a safety
device, if the bolt were not entirely
closed, an exploding cartridge might
throw the bolt back in the face and
injure the gun.
Attention! Recruits of the Sunrise League.
Limber up your "Glass" arm by bowling a
few strings at '
METCALF'S BOWLING ALLEYS
Rear of Amherst City Hall
**Every Knock a Boost"
"Bareheaded all the Way"
The frequent playing of the national
anthem kept the President's head
bare during most of the review.
—Post.
That's more than a good many
"American citizens" did High Scliool
Day.
Our story is a short one — We cater to
the Aggie Students' Wants. Tell us your
troubles.
ADAMS DRUG STORE
Don't go Blind! Think of the sights that
you will miss. You had better pay a visit,
before it is too late, to
O. T. DEM^URST (Formerly Pearl's)
201 Main St., Northampton
Prexy assured the sub-freshmen
that we manufacture weather here
to suit ourselves according to our
needs, but he did not mention the
fact that Prouty is developing a
breed of self -swatting flies.
Stop! Read — It might make you think.
A smile removes obstacles, but a pound of
our best cookies paves the way for studying.
THE GRANGE STORE
"Things Aren't Always What
They Seem"
{Two minutes after the exam..) —
Aw, that was a cinch. I crashed that
easy! Right between the eyes!
(One day after the exam.) — Of course
there were a couple of little things I
didn't get quite right.
(Two days after the exam.) — Say,
I think I got two questions all wrong.
(Three days after the exam.) — Pass
it? Well, I should say not! I flunked
it cold. — Yale Record.
Genius is usually frayed at the trousers;
mediocrity is run down at the heels; but
Success is always well dressed. Obtain
Success at
A. T. GALLUP, Inc.
293, 295, 297 High St., Holyoke
May Brides
June brides and all brides will do well
columns of the Boston American
To choose their homes from those
advertised in the "Apartment to Let."
Maybe they mean the April brides
married in July.
To be sold at once, 223 Slashed Skirts. .
'Nuf Sed. Mr.'I. Scream Cohen, Auctioneer.
COLLEGE STORE
The freshmen at least, have taken
an interest in the new department,
"Light Handouts." All questions
gladly welcomed and answered after
being printed.
Dear Light Handout:
What v/ill we be allowed to do to the
Class of 1919, by way of welcome,
when the freshmen appear on the
campus next fall? Wanta No.
Dearest Light Handout:
Last Wednesday night, after the
movies, I saw a dip picking Smithie's
pockets. As he removed the watch,
Smithie started to run one v/ay,
because he felt he was losing time, and
the dip went the other way. What
shall I do?
C. All.
You don't have to get up early in the morn-
ing to see the value of Eddie's meals.
Eddie's Columbia Cafe
You have your life in your hand, and only
a few more weeks before college closes. You
had better see Barlow immediately so that
your conscience won't bother you.
Barlow, over the Amherst Bank
V
®f)e Wav €vv
Vol. II
No. 3
h.
Commencement dumber
15 CENTS
THE WAR CRY PANTS FOR SUBSCRIPTIONS
I am not selling pants !
Nor do I wish to press pants !
I want you TO SIGN THE COUPON
for the
"-WAR CRY"-
I
hereby subscribe for the
WAR CRY
for 1915-16
Subscription Price $1.35
,
Hereafter
looK for
the
WAR CRY
every
month !
When speahing to advertisers please mention the War Cry.
School and College Photographer
Main Studios
1546-48 Broadway, New York
(In Times Square)
BRANCHES
Northampton^ Mass.
South Hadley, Mass.
Brooklyn, N. Y.
Poughkeepsle, N. Y*
West Point, N. Y.
Cornwall, N. Y*
Princeton, N. J.
Lawrenceville, N. J*
Hanover, N. H.
THE HOTEL WORTHY
The Home of College Men When in Springfield
CENTRALLY LOCATED EXCEPTIONAL CUISINE
COMPLETE IN ALL APPOINTMENTS
—303 Main™
Two minutes walk from the station
Program for (Eommrnr^mFnt
1915
Saturday, June 12
3-00 P.M. Baseball Game, M. A. C. vs. Amherst, at
Pratt Field.
7-00 P.M. Class Sing.
8-00 P.M. Concert by Musical Clubs.
9-00 P.M. Fraternity Banquets.
Sunday, June 13
4-30 P.M. Baccalaureate Address, Chapel,
President Kenyon L. Butterfield.
Monday, June 14
9^0 P.M. Sophomore-Freshman Baseball Game,
Campus.
11-00 A.M. Junior-Alumni Parade.
3-00 p.m. Competitive Drills.
4-00 P.M. Regimental Parade.
8-00 p.m. Original Musical Comedy, Academy of
Music, Northampton.
Tuesday, June 15 : Alumni Day
9-00 A.M. Meeting OF Trustees.
g-30A.M. Senior Class Day Exercises.
11-00 A.M. Business Meeting of Associate
Alumni, Room G, South College.
i-oo P.M. Alumni Dinner; Members of the Class
OF 1875, Special Guests.
4-00-6-00 P.M. Trustees' Reception, Informal, Drill
Hall.
6-00 P.M. Alumni Class Reunions.
8-00 P.M. Senior-Sophomore Hop, Drill Hall.
Wednesday, June 16
10-30 A.M. Commencement Exercises, Address 'by
Hon Carl Vrooman, Assistant Secretary of
Agriculture, Washington, D. C.
Published once a month at Massachusetts Agricultural College
VOLUME II.
NUMBER 3.
L. T. BUCKMAN,
F. e. Larson, '17, Editor-in-Chief
'17. Associate Fditor H. E. Jones, '17. Business Manager
H. M. Warren, '17, Society and Circulating Editor
$135 a year
" Quid agis age Aggie''"' 15 cents a copy
EDITORIAL
June again, and time to bid adieu to another parting band of wayfarers.
June, and the air once more punctuated with whirling canes— in company with
flannel shirts and corduroys; once more the curses of the poor unfortunates are
heard in the land, as their newly donned robes catch between their legs on the
chapel stairs. tempora, mores! And meanwhile the Junior begins to assume
a smile of tolerant dignity, and to think of delivering his cherished drill suit into
the clutches of the nearest second-hand dealer; the Sophomore reflects with delight
on the prospect of passing off his last dozen conditions and settling himself for
a lazily majorful junior year; and the Freshman licks his chops and gets ready
his warclub with anticipatory glee".
What is to become of these Senior companions of ours, so suddenly torn
from their accustomed Hamp? Shades of the River and Mountain! Why must
we grow up for four years, dividing our time between Her and the pursuit of our
dearly beloved M, only to be brought at last to the jaws of that horrible monster,
Work? Is it indeed true that life is but an illusion and a vain thing? But stay,
one joy remains from out the general wreck: the Dean's Board, cursed device
of the Inquisition, will now fill "its insatiable maw with" other victims.
Whither will these promising youths bend their steps? Alas, we know not.
Swept up by the maelstrom of life and scattered over the face of the earth, a goodly
number may even become useful citizens. But wherever and however they
may fare, it is our fervent wish that they may ever remain true to the ideals they
have held, true to the record they have held, and true to the girls they have held.
The alumni are once more in our midst. We are glad to welcome them,
glad to shake hands with them and, perhaps, glad to solicit contributions from
them. It would probably do us good if we could know just what the older grads
are thinking about us. What do they think about our Dean's Board deUnquents,
about our pond parties, about our campus atmosphere, about our pathetic adherence
to mildewed traditions? We trust they will be charitable, for once upon a time
they also were students; they also were guilty of doing foolish deeds and thinking
foolish thoughts. Cannot we be pardoned for a little folly now and then?
Aggie is, no worse than other colleges. On the contrary, we are conceited
enough to fancy that she is quite a bit better than the average. We are progressing,
we are making growth, we are getting ahead. What more can the most anxious
reformer desire? ■.
THE WAR CRY
EVENTS OF
The W«r Cry Corrie^ +o ^vvn
THE YEAR
Ushered in by a pack of ravening Sophomores, 170 meek and timid Freshies
crept into view at the opening of the college year ; needless to say they were welcomed
with enthusiasm and barrel staves. The rope pulls, the night-shirt peerade,
the chapel picture rushes and various minor festivities occupied a great deal of
time during the first few weeks. All this was somewhat damaging to scholarship,
but the staid Seniors settling down into their last lap of college life, and the Juniors
piously engaged in getting adjusted to their majors, provided a studious background
for scenes otherwise full of carnage.
The first gridiron battle took place on the Dartmouth terrain September 26,
and sad to report, we were repulsed with considerable loss. The next engagement,
however, resulted in a complete victory over Holy Cross. With various vicissitudes,
our football team plowed through the season, and although defeats were encoun-
tered in the final games with Tufts and Springfield, we had no cause to feel dis-
heartened.
At election time an item of excitement was the congressional campaign con-
ceived, organized, and carried out by our worthy Dean. In order to foster the
sense of humor that had hitherto been latent within the student body, an active
Lewis Club was formed, and great was the enthusiasm thereof. Although our
impromptu stump speakers pointed with pride and viewed with alarm, our candi-
date received the mitten by several thousand plurality. Another case of poll evil.
The hockey season resulted in an even break for Aggie, that is to say, an
even break in the games, not in the ice. Although the schedule included Harvard,
Yale, Princeton, Dartmouth and other colleges of the first rank, we came out
with no fewer than five victories, and no more than five defeats.
On Lincoln's birthday an event occurred which interested quite a number
of students. This event was the Junior Prom— a brilliant function quite out-
stripping all previous records in the matter of low gowns and high expenses, early
headaches and late hours.
The^F^etv^r.
Trorn Hcscow
^■l-hle-1-.c 'Field iCS
vs+ill on "Hhtr Job
Financial matters received attention in the early spring. The student body
pledged an additional thousand dollars to the athletic field, and some of this
was collected. An attempt was made to pledge the legislature for a five years'
appropriation of a million dollars. $77,000 of this was collected.
THE WAR CRY
After considerable clamor from the student body,
and a few remarks from the faculty, it was finally
decided to give the far-famed and ill-famed banquet
season another chance for its life. Against vivacious
opposition, the Freshmen succeeded in holding their
banquet, but rules were broken on both sides, and it
is possible that next year the custom will go to take
its place by the side of the abolished arena party.
Qur baseball team, which began the season with much promise, has rolled
up a record of several brilliant victories, and several brilliant defeats. In interclass
athletics we have made considerable progress during the year. Baskethall, track,
cross country and tennis have each received attention, and the annual Freshman-
Sophomore contests in football and hockey passed off with great eclat. The
interfratemity baseball games are a highly encouraging phase of our college athletics.
In the development of non-athletic activities we have surpassed any previous
year. The Roister Bolsters, presenting the Broadway comedy, "Her Husband's
Wife," made a successful tour of New Jersey and southern New York, besides
giving several performances in this neighborhood. A culminating effort is the
musical comedy; when will there be such another? The combined musical clubs
made a Boston trip during Christmas vacation, and at Easter performed before
gaping (no, we don't mean yawning) audiences in the rustic sections of New
Jersey. Shortly after their engagement in Paterson, Billy Sunday was summoned
to that city. We do not, however, think there was any connection between these
two events.
It has been a busy year, a year of progress, a year of attainment. The
watchword of "Leadership" has incited us to strive for high ideals, and let it
be recorded that our striving has not been wholly in vain.
O
3
o
THE WAR CRY
HISTORY OF THE FOUR YEAR SENTENCE OF 1915
Our diet:
1911-12 Water
1912-13 Milk
1913-14 Tea and Coffee
1914-15 Other Beverages
This is the Hquid diet that most of us have followed during our four years
at college. There is a bare possibility that some may have included "other bever-
ages" (such as Horlick's Malted, etc.) throughout their other years. But the
fact remains that despite all hindrances we have attained to that august state
known as Seniorhood, and our progress reads not unlike a Nick Carter romance,
"From Highwayman to Chief of Police in a Year."
As Freshm.en we did not take the "water diet" voluntarily. It was forced
on us, under protest. The Ponce de Leon of the 1915 Invaders was "Hank"
Lincoln, who, to the delight of the savage Fourteeners, was the first to bathe in
the Fountain of Youth. A number of others followed sait, including "Kippy"
Goodwin, the Newburyport wonder, who insisted on giving an exhibition of how
he used to dive for clams with his teeth. To this day "Harrol" McLain can't
understand why the 1914 men thought so much of him as to invite him around
to their exclusive bath. He never did any more than smoke on the campus,
laugh loudly at inopportune times, and tell a few upperclassmen to go to the
place where they don't have to shovel snow in winter. There were others of
our embryo class who were capsized in the sewer, but the first three are excellent
examples.
Although the college colors are maroon and white and our class colors are
brown and white, nevertheless it was thought desirable to continually remind
us of a certain bilious tint known as pea-green. As special guests of ' 14 we marched
tl^rough the town shrieking "Green, pea-green, we're green," just as though
anyone, except green Freshmen, would allow themselves to be driven about clad
in pajamas.
While we were not allowed to smoke during our first year, nevertheless we
learned to "pull on the rope." The rope was not in the form of a Sunderland
cigar: it was an object of contention between the Sophomores and ourselves, and
while at the beginning of the struggle we were on opposite sides of the college
pond, at its conclusion we were all on the same side. Needless to say, we yanked
through the Sophs like wet clothes through a wringer. The pond has been in
a more or less besmooched condition ever since.
On May 3, 1912, the peaceful town of Amherst was awakened by a riot call.
In Europe they term it war, but we call it "the Banquet Season." After starving
at the hash-house for almost a year, we wanted to have an honest and truly meal
in the form of a class banquet. Our same old guardians, the Sophomores, were
insistent that our class officers should remain at home to grace the campus. But
after a beautiful and spectacular Grand March through Amherst (somewhat
different from the Grand March commonly indulged in at the Soph-Senior Hop)
we made a successful getaway to Boston.
After the festivities, we returned to Amherst for finals and Commencement.
At midyears we had lost some of our comrades whom the faculty thought were
too frail to continue such a course as the Toboggan Shute of Old Aggie. A few
more were clipped off in June, but notwithstanding the importunities of "Billy,"
our favorite Prof., a goodly number were permitted to remain. In our first
attempt at the inter-class sing we came out a close fourth.
THE WAR CRY
It is singular how three short summer months can make such a difference
in a college man's life. We came back to Aggie, transformed from poor humble
subjects into bold tyrants. Like any other Sophomore class, we owned the college.
We were willing to receive a few such men as Prexy and "Pop" Hart on an equal
footing, but we considered ourselves monarchs of all we surveyed.
In bringing up the infant Freshmen we found we had a pretty disobedient
and difficult crowd to handle. Not only that, but there were too many six foot
"shorties" and German submarines, such as Schlotterbeck and Verbeck, opposing
us. In a close game (everything was close except the score) we were trimmed in
football by the Frosh, and the same sad story holds true with regard to basketball.
The sixty man rope-pull was a regular six-day race affair, lasting longer than
any in the history of the college. We pulled our durndest, having been told
by the Juniors that a couple kegs of beer were on the other end of the rope—
we were just ferocious enough to want to escape from that milk diet.
As Sophomores we were all more or less afflicted with night-mares, in which
hideous paramoecia, laws of gravitation, and assorted F. O. B. Amherst fertilizers
figured largely. In the second semester we became nature-struck, roaming ever
hither and yon in search of botanic specimens. Some of us accumulated lovely
herbaria, including many rare specimens of rubber plants, flowers of sulphur, etc.
"To be or not to be, that is the question" we answered with regard to Whether
or not Charley Gould should be present at the Freshman banquet. So undecided
(?) were we that we sent four delegates down to Brookline, Mass., to ask little
Charley out for an airing in a nice automobile. Now, if we had sent a Ford with
which to escort Mr. Gould back to Amherst, he might have had some cause to
kick, but why he should have objected to a nice six-cylinder jitney bus is more
than we can imagine. After coming all the way back to Amherst, Charley told
us he objected because he was supposed to preside over the Freshman Goulash
Feed in Boston. So overcome were we by this terrible news, that we broke down
with hoarse moans.
At Commencement we climbed up the ladder a peg by tying '14 for booby
prize in the class sing. Just to show there were no hard feelings, we finished a
glorious year by winning the class ball game. The milk was beginning to curdle,
so we left off the lacteal diet and—
Came back to sip our coffee and tea as jolly Juniors. Our class affairs were
of a less strenuous nature than previously. We had no one to hamper us, for
'16 was busy trying to "purloin the child '17." We, the ever faithful "nurse
girls of little '17," tried to protect them, teaching them to "sic" the Sophs and
raise hinky-dee generally. It was in our Junior year that we started to specialize.
Some of us are just finding out that we were meant for something different than
what our majors would seem to indicate; time will tell, however. We remember
our Junior year particularly for its wonderful prom. It is hard to forget a thing
like that, though we would like to forget the debts which accompanied it.
When we regretfully left the company ranks at the close of our soldiering
period, we were the last of the blue-coats. Since our uniforms could not be sold
to the incoming Frosh, together with the radiators, chapel hymn books, etc. that
are annually disposed of at a price, we made merry by burning the uniforms in
one stupendous funeral pyre. In the class sing it was rumored that we took
second rank, thus proving conclusively that Tetrazzinni's aren't made in a year.
And now, after four notable years, we stand at the parting of the ways. The
past few months we have behaved as Seniors should, not overworking ourselves
except when it was rumored that somewhere there was a job to be given out.
This is our only cause for worry— a job. We have acted at times almost dignified,
and now we leave the "other beverages" of our Aggie diet, to taste the bitter
fluids that the cold, cold world has to offer.
S. M. MASSE.
SENIORS YOU HAVE MET
HE*a A PITCHER, AMD LOOKS T l+E PART.
JN THE r^fKTT^t^ op^ DROPS
AAfO SENSATIONAL. 5TOPS
H^'S A MA W AprER ^|ATTY'&
OWN H ETA R r.
A SLENDER YOUNO FEL.l'OW NAMeo'sTY*
IS MOST A/v^A2 tNOINCUY S f R Y- *
■WHEN he's tEApi/yc /\ c H t e «.
HB fiLoiVs MKE A. STCea.
Aryo M/s VOICE P.E50UNOS to the «ky
iilH'"
A FOOTBAUl, PLAYER N/^mED Mtt ;c AN,
NASA Bui^D Bf SEMBLIWa A PCLICAA/;
WHEN he: DP.INK5 G INGE B. BEEK
;TWoui~6 RPALLY APPE/^P*
H/& Face can Hoko Moae than
Hic, B^Llc AK.
Dotlv u«go.nwvtk
Doc Se*rly
THIS C'NK, YOt/'uc PfRCeive, 'S DOLLY,
A YOOXH BOTH JOYOOS AND JO t-Uy
IP HE KerPSl/P THt PACE
HE MAS SET AT TH/S PLAcE
HE'LL BE A D^AOoAf So/f\e- P/\f, BY GOLlY
THE WAR CRY
POKES
AND
THRUSTS
FOR THOSE LOST ON THE FIELD OF ACTION
If the Prof, looks grim when you speak to him,
And then smiles like a bald-headed seraphim;
If he sputters and stews like a dynamite fuse
And tries to think how to break the news
You've flunked, by Gad, you've flunked.
ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE
When Sweatshirt meets Sweatshirt:
"Hi!"
"Hi!"
"Whatcher goindoo s'afternoon?" :
"Gotta work f'r th' zam."
"Aw, why'ncher showsumpep? Cm on getcher tennisracket."
"T'ellwitennis. I gotta dosumwork."
"Whassamatter, ainchagotnopep?"
"Sure I gotsumpep. Whassamatterwitchoo, doncherknow I gotta work;
But we are impelled to draw the curtain on this painful scene.
OBITUARY
DIED, APRIL 28, 1915
The Arena Party
" Gone, but not regretted "
^
"f6>.r
4 c^y i^ \
Species : Peachibus fussibus
Genus : Smith
Habit of Growth: Clinging vine. A delicate
perennial, growing best in hot-house at-
mosphere. Flower: Papilonaceous, with
two lips. Although easy to blossom out,
it is not easy to leave. Specimens are
excellent for pressing.
THE WAR CRY
CLASS IN AN. HUS. STAND UP
"What points are desired in a cow?"
"A cow should be of the female sex."
"In judging a cow, how do you tell her breed?"
"I generally speak it right out."
"What foods make for milk production?"
"Milk weed and cream of wheat."
"But what does a dealer feed his cows?"
"Milk weed and water cress."
That will do, you may go to the head of the class."
As the innocent bystander was bystanding around, half a dozen masked men
jumped upon him and began to beat him up.
"Help! Help!" screeched the I. B. "What are you trying to do to me?"
"Rob you!" snarled the leader of the thugs.
The LB. breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God! I thought you were going
to give me a college initiation."
TO THE FIELD
Beneath the team we've got a field
For which we've had to pay:
And all we need thereon's the fence
We hope to have some day.
Within the various dorms tonight
We'll gather as of yore,
For many 9, week will pass until
, . r, We see old Hamp once more.
Chorus
"Open up your pocketbook, hand us out your kale;
Defend your rep and show some pep, for we are on your trail;
You have aided us before, and now we cry 'Encore!'
Open up your pocketbook and put across some more — "
For then we'll feel so gay, we'll bellow and we'll bray
Mass-a-chusetts (!!) for-ever-more.
FOND IMAGININGS
I long to be a Senior,
And with the Seniors stand, _
A mortar-board upon my head
And a cudgel in my hand.
I'd sally from these ivied walls
And strut about serene;
If anyone should give me pause
I'd- swat him o'er the bean.
For a Senior's life is jolly.
And a Senior's life is gay;
If he wants a job — why, he asks for it.
And he gets it right away.
THE CUSTOMS OF THE COLLEGE.
Simp : Howja make out pitching coins ?
Boob: Punk! I lost a dollar, and the worst of it was, ten cents of it was
actually my own money.
THE %VAR CRY
PHILISTINERY
The youth who goes over the mountain,
Seeks only for "culture," 'tis said;
But what shall we say of the fatuous jay
Who goes over for fussing instead?
Alas for the joys of the spirit!
Alas for the joys of the mind!
A sweet little kiss from a sweet little miss
Is worth all the world's cultures combined.
^g:
Who vSqid-
Dropjxsd-on ?
CUM APOLOGIIS.
The Bloke: Do you smoke Home Run Cigarettes?
Billy: No, I sm.oke One Baggers.
The Bloke: One Baggers! I never heard of them.
Billy; Why, Bull Durham, of course.
What are they;
ECHO-IN HAMP
The youth whose heart is passion-tossed
These lines will gladly lamp:
" 'Tis better to have loved and lost,
Than never to have loved in Hamp."
KIPLINGESQUE
Lab of our fathers, known of old.
Thy stenches linger 'round us yet;
Cease not thy odors manifold.
Lest we forget, lest we forget.
The fetid smell oi aitch- two-ess
Enwreathes you like a coronet;
We'd give most anything, I guess
Could we forget, could we forget.
THE INTELLECTUAL LIFE.-Mt. HolyoKe Brand
He. Er-r, it's going to be good weather, don't you think ?
She: Oh yes, quite so. .- .
(Long pause) 7^
He(desperately) : But er-r, perhaps er-r, it may rain later ? / a
She: Oh yes, quite so.
(Large-size hiatus. Impressive silence.)
Doc G-roht
THE COMMENCEMENT SHOW
THIS. lAoiE* and offMrs
■tmE rousiCAi.
WHEN HE OPENS
f, W6 /^Rf T6A1PTE.O
THROW ON THE a*A«ei
W' MILL A.Hd BinrBRKK
CoMtOY t^lD
HIS TRAP
TO VAP ^
'i8^i3" AA'C ^'A/ITA'
the: war cry
VIVE LA ROUGHNECK!
What is a roughneck?
A roughneck is a cave man transplanted to the twentieth century.
He beHeves in the cave man ideal: War at any Price.
He holds a sustaining membership in the Razoo Club.
He believes in the virtue of Class Prize-Fights.
He speaks in awed tones of the College Customs.
He righteously scorns the "greasy grind."
He talks learnedly of the "burlies."
He mocks at culture, and calls the cultured man a "mucker."
He believes in "pep," and College Spirit pimples out all over him.
He is proud of his biceps, of his cigarettes, and of his dean's board record.
Are you a roughneck?
MOMENTS AT THE COURSES
Sociology
"Where's the Prof. ?" is the general outcry as the bell rings and the professor's
chair still remains vacant.
"Yea, he's handing us a bolt!" some one remarks regretfully. Although
loth to leave a scene hallowed with- so many hours of pleasant slumber, the class
rises as one man and surges toward the door. At this critical moment, however,
the Prof, suddenly appears and stems the tide of departing students.
Amid general congratulations at the escape from so painful an adventure
as a bolt, the class settles down to fifty minutes of congealed enjoyment. As is
customary in opening a lecture, the Prof, spends some time fumbling around
among a vast assortment of papers; during this ceremiony the class regales itself
by singing "I didn't raise my Ford to be a Jitney," and similar pathetic ballads.
And now, the usual preliminaries being concluded, the Prof, clears his throat
with a noise resembling the raucous crunch of a pumpkin scraper, and addressing
an imaginary audience in the rear seats he croaks: "Ah, er, let me see "
The class leans forward in rapt attention. "Oh, er— r, let me see " (Sotto
voce: "Well, who's stoppin' yer?)
"Ah, to be sure Er— r, was not this the day appointed for a test?" Good
God! He had remembered his previous assignment of a quiz!
Some one remarks in a shocked_j,voice : "Why, we ain't goin' to have a quiz
today, are we ?" -
The professor consults his notebook, and then minutely examines a calendar.
"Why, er— r, y— yes! We are scheduled for a test, er— r, on the natives of the
Sandwich Islands." There is a militant chorus of groans.
"Aw, I thought it was on the Hot Dog Islands."
"Whaddaye mean, a test today?"
"We ain't heard nothin' about a test!"
"Let's have it next week."
The Prof, looks perplexed. After running through a book on etiquette,
he wheezes: "Very well, then, we'll take a vote on it. How, many want a test
today?" One hand is raised, but the traitor is immediately garrbted by his nearest
neighbors. ,■
. "How many want it next Monday?" Loud cries of assent. General enthu-
siasm. /'^ I
"Ah, er— r, er— r, very good. We'll have a test on Monday on er— r
what was the subject? Oh yes, to be sure, on the habits of primitive man, with
special regard to his frontal development and, er— r, to the evolution of his holo-
photal pamphiliatic superconsciousness."
But the class is undismayed. The Prof, has forgotten that Monday is a
holiday.
TMC VW^AR CRY
CHEMISTRY AS IT IS MONOLOGUED
Scene: Our new 1870 model Chem. Lab.
Time: Spring, fall, or winter.
Characiers: One full throated baritone Professor ; fifty supernumeraries in lecture seats.
"Naow, you take this here stuff over yonder and douse it in cold water; ye
want to wash it good and plenty, see ? Naow, let -mfr tell you what this experiment
shows: it shows that hydration occurs after hydrolysis, and that chabazite is
a by-product in making basic slag or is it the other way 'round ? Well, anyhow,
when you get this here solution you wanter filter it through charcoal (Hi, you
boys up thar who are talking, you better watch out!) so you take it and add some
ammonia into it let's see naow, what's the reaction here? Well, I callate
I don't recomember it, but you can look it up in thfe book. (I say, you fellers
up thar, if you don't stop talking you'll get it in the gizzard sure as preaching.)
So then you filter the solution, just like this it's nigh impossible to get it started,
but once she gets a-going she goes like forty. I tried this experiment daown
in Texas and she worked first rate, but you can't most always tell there, I
swan, she didn't work, but we'll try her again. Naow, you fellers wanter watch
this pretty clus, for you'll like as not get it in the next quiz 1 vow, she didn't
work that time either well, you see how 'twould be if she did work. I reckon
that's all for this morning, fellers." -
J. Epstein
TAILORING PARLORS
FOR THE LATEST MAGAZINES
FOR POST CARDS AND STATIONERY
Of All Kinds
Have your cleaning and pressing done by us
Lincoln BIocK
Come to A. J. Hastings
Statioxer and Newsdealer
Over the Post Office
The War Cry sold here
TAKE THOUGHT! TAKE HEED!
With several other companies competing, the senior committee voted unanimously
to let Barlow insure them in the Connecticut General — a company
in which most of the seniors are personally insured already.
If you haven't taken out your policy yet, do so before leaving town.
— ^See Barlow
Over the Savings Bank
ATTENTION ALUMNI
To-day begins a new year— the date ofi the calendar does
not matter.
Start the day right, by visiting the "Aggie Apothecary"
where the Alumni will hold their re-unions.
Alumni Smokes, Sodas and Confectionary
The "Aggie Apothecary "
Adams Drug Store
Commencement Guests
Be at peace with the world while in Amherst,— eat at the
NORTH END LUNCH
Situated near the Campus, next to the Phi Sigma Kappa
Hoiise.
LOOK FOR THE SIGN
EXTRA! SPECIAL! ALUMNI!
AMHERST RE-GENERATES
Metcalf has taken the "herse'' out of Amherst, and has
put the town on the map.
Come down and knock the pins off of the "Allies"
Metcalfs Bowling Alleys
In rear of the Town Hall.
Commencement Guests
The best and the only place to rest your weary bones, and
ease your hunger.
THE ONLY HOTEL IN TOWN
AMHERST HOTEL
Is'nt it odd that no one ever has thought to take a
picture of an earthquake !
It would be easier, however, than finding a better place
to buy your books and stationery than at
Amherst Book Store
ALUMNI ATTENTION!
Eddie's Cafe still offers that far-famed course in quality
of eats.
Special attention given to the Commencement Guests.
' Columbia Cafe
The Home of Excellent Food.
The best appearing man is always the one with the
neatest clothes and apparel.
How close do you come to being a man ?
You had better visit Gallup's and get togged up for the
Senior-Sophomore Hop.
We have the best line of men's furnishings.
A. T. GALLUP'S, Inc.
293, 295, 297 High St„ - - - Holyoke, Mass.
THIS WAY ! BOYS !
Woman must have the best of it, so be sure and have
a supply of cookies and delicacies in the house
and you are well fortified for entertaining
your commencement guest
The Store of Reputation
The Grange Store
I. M. Labrovitz
Fine Merchant Tailor. Gent's Furnishings
Will call and deliver work
Full Dress Suits to rent and Dress Supplies
Altering, cleaning, repairing, dyeing and pressing
II Amity St., - - AMHERST. MASS.
Stop! Look! List!
Now that Commencement is here you had better pay a
visit to Sanderson and Thompson and get
some new togs for the "Hop."
Your only chance, Alumni, to buy civilized clothes
SANDERSON AND THOMPSON
Berlin Restaurant
A LA CARTE SERVICE
EVERYTHING IN SEASON
Lunches put up to take out
Special attention to large parties
Open frorp 6 A- m. to 11 p. m.
AMHERST FRUIT STORE
Summer School Students see us for a delicious line oj
LUSCIOUS FRUITS, CANDIES
AND COOLING DRIKK-S .
Attention Alumni
Why not have some group pictures taken ?
Nothing could serve as a better memento of your return
visit to Aggie.
The latch-string is always out at
WEBSTER'S STUDIO
College Candy Kitchen
I
SODA AND ICE CREAM, FRESH CANDIFS
The highest grade products at the most reasonable prices
Orders delivered free
"Bring in Your Friends"
Prentiss' Busy Shoe Shop
When in Holyofce, stop in and look over our line of yowng men's footwear
COLLEGE AND OUTING TRADE A SPECIALTY
364 High Street
Opposite the Y. M. C. A.
Fireproof
European
b
^^H
^lS^
^Mm
THE NONOTUCK
(Holyofce's Magfnificent New Hotel)
Corner Maple and Suffolk Sts«
THE IDEAL PLACE TO STAY DURING
COMMENCEMENT
On the Automobile Route to tlie White Moun-
tains and Mohawk Trail
100 Rooms v/ith Bath, at $L50 a Day Upwards
GORHAM BENEDICT, Manager
OPERATED UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF
THE UNITED HOTELS CO.
After the Amherst- Aggie Game
We^II all be happy. Celebrate the victory or defeat at
DOOLEY^S INN
HOLYOKE
The Happy Hunting Grounds for Ye Aggie Men
MEALS SERVED AT ALL HOURS
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